idk what to do.

I feel sick.

I wish a certain someone would kinda just....realize.

My insides are churning.
I just dont understand...

I hate this sticky situation I keep getting myself into

I hate that the thought of you with her seems to cross my mind a lot more than it should.
I hate it worse whenI actually think that youmight actually like this girl
and that all this attention simply isnt out of pity.
What really gets me though
Is that this thought seems to make me sick. Quite literally.
And it tears away at me because i know what it meant the last time I had thoughts like that.
It meant that I actually had feelings for the person in question...
Which means I feel something for you other than deep lustful attraction.
Because I felt so much more than that for him.

But let's not get too carried away here.

Everytime I see her, it angers me a bit.
Because I feel as though I was here first...
But then I feel as though my presence has gone unrecognized.
You keep it secret from everyone else,
Living double lives
Sleeping with me one day
and going to the movies with her that same night.
And I feel as though I'm constantly doing something wrong
Because every time I think that I'm in there solid,
The guy turns his back on me and goes to another woman.
Always.
And so I look at myself in the mirror,
I study every detail,
pick apart my flaws,
wonder why I can't be loved by the ones I really want it from.
I look at the other girls
And feel ridiculous.
Because i'm told by many how much prettier I am
But i simply dont feel.
Not at all.

i feel like my world is crashing in on me again.

Ive sorta given up on Thomas.
Ive basically concluded that he just doesnt feel that way about me.

Ive got a freshman.
but i dont really know if Im serious about him.


But i do know that i really kinda like Basie.
Which really kinda sucks because he still has that girlfriend that looks like a guy.
I really wish i didnt feel anything for him though because it seems to be getting me nowhere...

Aye I hate when my heart tries to get involved in things...

It was so much better when it was just...Tuesdays....

aghh murder me please
?

So.

I am feeling so deeply for Thomas right now...

Its upsetting.
B/c I do love Thomas.
Nathan has gone so far as to say that I've fallen..and so..yea.

He upsets me so..
Because he is so amazing, and I would love more than anything to be with Thomas...

I can deal with an hour distance..

He just..blah.
idk.

I just really like Thomas....

And watching him today as our bus pulled away was rather heartbreaking, to say the least.

So much for life being good...

I mean...
it still kinda is..

But a couple hours ago,

It just sorta...crashed.

Like...I feel ever so lonesome right now.
I really really hate to admit this...
But I miss Rick....

Or at least, that sort of relationship...
Because I was genuinely happy in that 2 month period...

So....yea...
I just...dont really know how to feel about anything right now.

I want to just forget it all...but its so hard when theres nothing else there.
Like, there's still this emptiness inside me that I am often able to mask....but like..
Its there....b/c  i havent found love like i had....so...its just horridness n such.
Idk what to do anymore.

On the brighter side of life.

I got a car.

Her name is Clementine an I absolutely adore her.
She's a burgundy '91 Camry and she runs well. 
I've had her 2 weeks now,
And up until today,
It's been quite an enjoyable time....
Being able to do pretty much whatever.
So yea.

I've got an art thing going on...like...a gallery coming up.Well sorta.

my skills are increasing, which is exciting.
but. other than that,

Theres nothing really.

So.

I'm ending this n such.