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| "And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And designer love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days."
Missing so much of you tonight
More than many months before
More than I can say sorry for
All the weeks in these months
That have marked seven more days
Of unexchanged words
Between you and I
Making the contrast
Between our present
And everything we've lost
All the more stark.
My reclaimed heart
Like your Ohio
With its frozen ground
Remember two years ago
We had its last snow in May?
Well, it's a blazing summer
In this lone star state
The republic of which
I am still hesitant to believe
Will see the coming of a golden age
And I fear the reason may be
My well-grounded lack of faith
In the longevity of a good thing.
Lately I've been wondering
If change will always be
My only lasting security
But none of that matters
With God painting the picture
So I pray for you and yours
And myself and mine
For wisdom and strength
And above all
That we take hold
Of His blinding glory
As our sole purpose.
Thinking of you tonight
Breathing a prayer
That your tomorrow
Will be clearer than today
And your heart more whole
Than it was in my hands.
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| As always, life has taken several new turns since my last post. All of which have been surprisingly great. Been taking a lot of mini road trips. To boil down everything that's been going thru my head lately, I've been pondering the way choices, that I often don't realize I'm making, can change life in mere microseconds. Not just for me, but for those closest and furthest from me as well. I feel it in everything I touch and those that I can only watch. It's almost too powerful of a thought. But it is what has always driven me as a person from as far back as I can remember to my present. This is what draws my head to the feet of the Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, whose grace I am overwhelmingly unworthy of.
This is a poem I wrote about an hour ago when I was thinking about all of this.
Change accelerating off the wheel
Driving this life
Quickly and irrevocably forward
In its continual spin
Blurring the conscious
With that which hasn't yet woken.
In every strutting chance
The odds are never the same
Though mistakes resurface
Lingering in countless dawns
Draining wide-eyed naivety
To ignite unspoken conviction.
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| Been back in TX for a lil over a week and in my town for half a week. Memorial day weekend was awesome. This summer is going to be the best so far. It already has been....I feel like one of those ridiculously happy people that has the kind of smile on their face that makes people roll their eyes. Except that my smile is inside me stretching from my chest to my stomach. I play it cool around everyone else so they won't think I'm being dumb, but when I am alone it's like my mind is a train track encircling a tall mountain and that there is not only no other way, but no other preferred way as well.
Lately, the inevitable has become very real and yet the possibilities branching from it have been so invigorating that the inevitable no longer intimidates me the way it would have last year. I used to always wish I could change the inevitable, but this past year has taught me that the important thing is not to change the possibility of a failed result, because the essential thing is for me to change as a person. This often ends up altering the inevitable, and then the truth is so clear: the real problem is not possible failure, but my own blind self needing to press on toward the mark, laying aside the weights that so easily beset me from doing God's will.
Tonight, Alicia, Cassie (her cousin), and I went to Martin High School's production of "Thoroughly Modern Millie." Cassie's dad is one of 2 directors of this musical so we got free tickets which was super since the play was amazingly good. I've never seen a more well done production. I'd never heard of the musical, but it had a good storyline, the cast made funny moments seem hilarious, the choreography was really good, costume design was very professional, the orchestra was excellent (it was mostly swing & big band style), and the set was phenomenal for a high school production. I've been to many plays/musicals throughout my life, but this is without a doubt the best play/musical I've ever attended. The 3 of us had such a blast.
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| This song seems to really characterize my life right now & I love Lifehouse's new album. In Ohio right now. Got here on Monday around 10:30 PM. The weekend before was amazing- the best one all year so far. Lake Belton in TX is beautiful and the company was invaluable. My heart still feels so full right now. I've felt immune to everything negative since then....not like walking on a cloud, but from what I hear, kinda like the buzz you get from alcohol. Judging from this past weekend, I won't be caring about trying to get that kind of buzz any time soon. There are about 20 people I have to meet before I fly back on Thursday. Then I'm driving down to Belton again. I have a feeling that May will prove to be the best month this year. | | |
| *edit*
This actually isn't about John. It's a long poem about someone I've recently had to get over as a friend. I've come to realize that it is indescribably harder to get over someone as a friend than it is to get over someone romantically. I wrote a paragraph each week over the span of about a month and a half when I was involved with a guy I used to be really good friends with. What we had is really inexpressible because it was so many things and yet there were so many things that it wasn't. I don't think I'll ever be able to define it. It's ironic because he changed my world in many ways and yet we may never speak to one another again. The tone changes a lot in the poem along w/the way our relationship changed at the time, which is why it's in present tense despite the changes that take place.
What is it with you
That transcends rationale?
Maybe I'll never know.
Yet the irony blinds all else.
My world's overturned.
So this is what it feels like.
I'm looking for my heart
And I can't seem to bridge this gap
To get to you.
I'd give anything I owned
For us to be more than this.
But my love has never been so blind
To miss that perhaps we never will.
Time and space define our existence
Out under the stars tonight
I can see the planets revolving
Around the holes calling you.
But you've already left.
Your abrupt silences have always screamed louder
Than all the promises you've made and broke.
I can only say that I held you to one.
"Friends forever and a day after,"
You wrote.
Even then, I knew yours desires were the only thing
You saw in my eyes searching yours.
Your love a lie,
Your friendship an enigma.
You say I wasn't who you thought I was.
And I'll never understand that statement
Since you never knew me at all.
You'll never find what you're searching for
Or everything you misunderstand
Until you face the truth behind your pride.
But you've left without a word
So this is my farewell
To the you I used to know.
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