I know I'm pretty much the worst Xanga poster ever, but maybe some of you people will read this. It's 3:55 AM Thursday morning March 10. And this is pretty much the worst night I've had in a long time. Nobody would know it from the outside but trust me.
Friends were great, Piano Night was good, watching the Notebook with old friends was good, but something just isn't right with me today. I should be excited that I get to see Fran on Friday or that the Fightin Texas Aggies might win their first ever Big 12 Tournament game tommorrow, but I'm not. I hope maybe this will give some of you guys insight into what I'm going through.
Imagine you spend an entire semester hanging out with a girl that you think is AMAZING. Sure she blows you off and leaves you hanging to go hangout with people but eventually she comes around. You try your best to get this girl knowing that it's impossible, that nothing you could ever do would matter. BUT, surprisingly it does and in a dramatic turn of events you find yourself on the verge of a relationship with this person that you've wanted from day one.
She holds off for about two weeks further twisting the knot of agony in your stomach as you await her decision. And finnally one night after playing Jeopardy on SNES in her dorm room asks you if you want to be her boyfriend.
Well a little over a month passes and she has been the best girlfriend anyone could ever ask. She took care of me when I was sick (even though she couldn't find the hospital). She understood when I was ill on our make up date for the original date I missed because I was sick. None of that matters to her because all that matters to her, is me. Imagine if while all this was happening you were noticing that it wasn't going to work out. That this girl despite her greatness just wasn't quite right for you. This girl would drop everything to be with you and she cares for you so deeply that you know telling her this would bring her to tears.
Now ask yourself... would you be able to look that person in the eye, that girl that has been the best girlfriend ever and doesn't suspect that in your head you know it won't work, and tell her that you can't keep doing this anymore? To see a girl you care for and that is one of the most important people in your life cry in your arms because of something you did and knowing there was nothing she could do to change it? Could you do that? Could you tell her that despite her perfection you couldn't bring yourself to like her in the way she does you? Even though you could keep going on the way things were and she'd never know the difference? Because that's what I had to do a week ago this afternoon.
For her friends, I'm sorry, I'm sure it hurt you guys to see her like that, but trust me, I've had it hard enough to.
I need sleep now, it's been an exhaustingly long week emotionally. | 
