Almost a year later...

Hi everyone. I have returned to xanga... why? Because it's not as popular as Myspace. And I can write here. I've always felt comfortable writing in xanga. I remember when everyone had a xanga, when ppl would fight cause of something they read on xanga or people would start going out through xanga. So much as changed with me, with people around me, and just life in general. Last time i wrote here, as an individual, I was lost and full of indirection. I felt as if there wasn't a path for me, like I just lived in the present and there wasn't much of a future for me. High school was an interesting time for me, full of fun times and some of the darkest moments of my life. I wouldn't change any of it if I could, because as corny as it sounds, it did make me into who I am now.

So much has changed, some good change some not so good. I recently saw some pics of all four years at Tech, (well 3 1/2 for me) and it seems like it was all so long ago.... We were all sooo young and carefree, yet dealing with the pressures of an elite school, as many call Brooklyn Tech. Seeing those pictures Was like putting a mirror in my face and showing me who I was and who I am now. I took a hard look at myself in those few minutes of the Spic crew slide show. First thing i noticed is how different i look physically, in short, i let myself go. I didn't take care of myself as I used to. Then again, i was on two teams and that kept me in good shape. But i want to be like that again, and seeing those pictures is forcing me to make the decision to do just that. Another thing i noticed was the fact that I wasn't in many of those pictures... and it's no one's fault but my own. It made me remember what I was doing for a good time in Tech. I was absent in so many ways, from my school, from my spic family, and from what at the time I should have been doing. I missed out on a lot because I chose not to care, but if there is one thing i do regret, that's the fact that I wasn't in on alot of those fun times with the crew. I can't have that time back, so I have to be more appreciative of the friends that I've kept over the years, the ones I’ve recently met, and the ones to come next.

I had a relationship back then too. It was a fairytale one. It was the kind of relationship that everyone in high school wants to have but it often times doesn't happen. It's been so many years since then that sometimes it's hard to remember a lot of it. It was also the relationship that changed a lot of things for me. I will not censor myself here. I want to say everything, so bear with me if you do read this. It was my first real relationship, and it was with a boy. And it was also the relationship where I lost my virginity. It was the first time I fell in love. It had so many firsts for me, that's why i cherish the memory. But once the fairytale ended, I was forever changed. Immediately after its end, I started discovering myself, and more importantly, coming to terms with my sexuality, like really facing myself. I had to come to terms with the reality that i did like girls. That summer was a crazy summer. All I could think of was having fun because I was living in the now. For 2 or so years after that summer, I didn't know where I was going. I was failing out of school, I had a job but that soon ended, my home life kept getting more aggravating and I was losing the grasp on myself. There were a few good things that came out of that time, i became a stronger person, i came to terms with the fact that I'm gay, and i made a whole bunch of friends. Everything has it's pros and its cons, so everything wasn't completely bad, but it wasn't that great of a time, those 2 years.

im gonna leave this as a cliff hanger.. to be continued...

Nope i can't sleep.. i miss her.. it's getting serious. I...Love... this... Girl!!! I feel like I can share anything with her, that we are both helping each other. I don't care what title there is or isn't... that's my wifey, my girl, my partner, my unconditional friend, my lover, my problem, my solution, my escape and refuge. The one that i didn't expect to love so much that it is beyond my comprehension. And even better than the feelings I have.. are the ones i know.. I KNOW, she has for me.. that is such a great feeling.. to be loved. It makes me wanna be better... in just, everything.Even tho i know she loves me now, just the way i am and things are, but the energy she gives me, makes me ambitious.. i want more, i want to know more, i want to earn more.. reach farther.

People say Love is Blind... but I'm telling you... you're only blind if you refuse to see what is right in front of you. I know who she is, I know her flaws and her redeeming qualities, her good and not so good traits, and well.. all the things that make her, well, human. And so what? Love just is. Love is not blind, Love just is.. it simply Is. And i want to enjoy it and engulf myself in it.

And you kno what.. I know we are young, I'm not ignorant of this. I know we have our whole lives ahead of us, but i Know that even if by cruel chance of life, we do part ways, i will love that girl and i will always, always be there if she returns to me.. or simply runs to me. The word Love doesn't even seem to be sufficient to describe the amazing energy and emotion that I feel... we are like parts of a puzzle, and us coming together, has finished the magnificent piece. She makes me soo high.. what a great high.. a natural high... i high that i might come down from but i'll always find my way back there.. cause i belong there.

"Love is. It just is and nothing you can say can make it go away because it is the point of why we are here, it is the highest point and once you are up there, looking down on everyone else, you're there forever. Because if you move, right, you fall. You fall." - Paulie from Lost and Delirious (2001)

Love is strange and complicated, hate is familiar and simple.. how interesting...

GUAT...OUT!!!

Hmmm im just curious to know WHO MISSES ME!?!?!... and just to update... im happy and sad at the same time.. why??? well happy because of my g/f ( shes so great ) and well sad cause of all the drama and because my grandma passed away...  but well if ya'll havent noticed im not on xanga very much,.... to see wat im up to, check my sconex .. im horribly stuck on that.. i'll be posting writings up here tho so dont worry.

" I can only do the possible, and hope for the impossible" - guat. 1<33