One week til I see my Adam!

...and...

Protected Post.

T minus 40 days. 

I can do this.

As you all know, Adam left for BT on Tues.  It was a surreal experience.  Monday night I dropped him off at the hotel near the processing center [MPS, pronounced "Meps"] for check in with the USAF people.  It was like being back at ONU, Adam had a cerfew, no drinking [not that it's an issue] and I was most definitely not allowed in his room.  So much for a decent farewell haha!  Sorry, I had to!  Thankfully, all our years under Nazarene oppression helped [I jest...].  We ended up going for a dinner that we barely touched due to nerves and then said goodbye for the night.  I went back to his parent's house and watched The Firm with his mom.  Not that's all that important haha.  Though I will say it was a good movie, Hackman and Cruise were like babies in it!  You don't think 1993 was long ago until you see one of these movies. 

Tuesday morning Adam's mom and I woke up, got ready, hit the Starbuck's and went to MPS.  When we got there I got to see Adam and talk for a bit until he had to go to his briefing.  After waiting about a half an hour for the briefing to finish we were all called into a small room where he was sworn in.  It was a really cool ceremony.  There were about 30 guys, mostly USMC, and to see them all take that oath was neat.  We got to get some pics, which I will post as soon as I have Adam's mom send them to me.  After that was lunch and then a quick hug goodbye with a promise of a phonecall in the next few days [which I have yet to receive].  Then I had to go.  I cried a little, mostly during the swearing in part, bc I am so proud of him but the rest of the day I just felt numb.

So far, I feel like I'm doing pretty good.  I've been trying hard not to focus on that so I don't get too down and I've been able to distract myself some of the time.  The hardest thing for me is when I hear or see something I know Adam would like to know about, I try to call him and then realize that I can't.  Those are the hardest moments.  My folks have been good though, I think it helps tremendously that my dad is USMC - so he understands what Adam is going through and how tough it is on everyone involved. 

I started dialysis here in Rockford today.  The clinic out here is HUGE!  Everyone seems really nice, which is a load off my mind.  I feel the transition will be an easy one, which is proof God answers prayers!  The nurse came and talked to me today about possibly doing home hemodialysis in the future - once I have another graft and whatnot.  I'm going to look into it.  It's a little more involved, as it's 5 times a week for 1.5 hours a day, and I have to stick myself with those huge needles - but it's worth a look into it.  I can always decide not to do it. 

Outside of that, I believe I'm catching a cold.  And, that's okay.  It's a good time of year for one, bc I have no qualms curling up in a blanket watching TV all day right now.  Hopefully though it doesn't get too out of hand, I'm taking Zicam though, so I should be all good! 

Best story.  Ever.

Today, as I was getting ready for dialysis my parent's home phone rings.  I debate on picking it up, since I never really do - it's never for me!, but decided 'what the heck!' and I answered.  On the other end someone goes, "Is this Kara?"  Kinda creeped out I say that I am and they respond "This is Landon DeCrastos and I'm sure you're missing your best friend about now and I thought I'd call and say hi!"  HOW AWESOME?!   [see Landon, I told you that made my day!]  I don't know how he got my number or what, but it was just the phonecall I needed.  I had to cut it short, but, yeah, wonderful.  I guess he told Adam that while he's gone he'd check in from time to time.  You could say he's pulling "Double Kara Duty" while Adam's gone haha. 

Oh!  Lastly!  I found a shirt online that I'm debating buying bc on the front it just says "Kidney Thief" - how great!?

Kari, I got your msg, and I'm sorry I haven't responded - I am so flattered that you even would care about what I had to say!  So, thank you SO MUCH for your note!  Your advice has been taken and I'm going to look into a lot of that stuff once things settle down.  I'm really glad you were able to share what you were feeling - especially since, for me, feelings end up in the anixous area!  So, thanks!

I was at the hospital again.  I know, everyone try to contain your shock!  This time I had pneumonia - ah well, at least they had a reason to keep me this time.   Here's the thing.  I love my doctor & all but I'm his favorite patient, so that means he keeps me in the hospital all the time bc he wants to make sure that he's doing what is therapuetic & right for my case.  He's from China, so the mentality of healing is a little bit different, not to mention he's a brilliant doctor, so I am in no way upset with him. 

I'm just frustrated that it seems like if I sneeze, they're admitting me - when I feel fine when I'm at home. At least this time they finally found out what is causing my blood pressure to go haywire.  Apparently, I'm hyper-sensitive to fluid retention.  Moreso than most dialysis patients.  On top of it, when I retain fluid, I don't retain it in my legs, hands or face like most people.  I keep it stored in my vascular system - now when I am completely overloaded, you'll see it in my face but for the most part it stays hidden.  Since it's hidden, they don't take it off during treatments, which makes my blood pressure shoot through the roof.  However, if they take off too much, my blood pressure bottoms out & I have seizures.  The solution now is to stay at the 120lbs-ish mark & that should stablize my blood pressures.  I'm really hoping so, I'm getting very sick of being sick.

Which leads me to another thing.  Before recently, I was able to get through all the hospital stuff by pretending that it wasn't that bad.  If I wasn't sick in my mind, then I wasn't sick in real life.  On top of that, I had formed relationships with all the nurses at any hospital I would go to, so going in was kinda like going to camp or college.  It was just another part of who I was, another section of my life.  Then the nurses & staff started noticing that I wasn't sitting in my room crying all the time, or I wasn't really minding the situation at all.  So, they thought I was faking it & bc of that I received poor treatment.  Even though my labwork shows that I am a very sick patient, my attitude was saying otherwise.  Which, is bc when I am feeling sick or in physical pain, I over compensate for a good attitude to try to hide what I'm really feeling.  Now though, it's different.  I go back & read these posts & I realize that this is in no way normal.  That I AM a really sick girl.  It's like I'm almost making peace with it?  I don't know, but I do know that I'm not heartbroken over it...yet.  I hate being in the hospital & away from Adam, but it's still so routine & just a part of life that past the bitching about it, I don't notice it.  It's still just an inconvience.  However, slowly but surely, I'm realizing that needing all the medical help that I do, does make me dependent - & that's okay - I think.  I think I'm okay with that.  That my medical status does limit me, & that's okay too.  At least I think.  I am so used to being held to standards that normal people would have, & then busting my ass to meet them [while succeeding], that I don't know how to measure myself in a way that is adequate for my situation.  To me, letting my illness hold me back is failing & now I don't agree with that - so how do I change that way of thinking?  I'm just getting over the fact that I didn't finish college bc of circumstances way out of my control, I still blame myself for not trying hard enough & not sticking it out one more semester like I know I could have.  I beat myself up for falling behind bc it is too exhausting to keep up.  Maybe that's why realizing that I really am sick & that being in the hospital as much as I am IS a big deal, though it may not feel taxing, is hard for me.  I mean, yes, the hospital is routine & I just kind of look at it as another part of life now, BUT, I also need to look at it as a learning experience each time & be grateful for the yet another opportunity at life.  If it wasn't for hospitals, I wouldn't have been alive long enough to meet most of you, & I kinda loose sight of that at times.  I'm starting to not be ashamed of what I have & having to be limited.  I'm starting to be okay with being disabled -which legally I am & sometimes it kills me to admit that. 

This is all just really confusing & at a bad time with Adam leaving in 2 weeks & all.  Hopefully I'm as smart as I think I am & will realize that it'll all make sense in time.  Sigh.  So, that's what's new with me...