Currently Listening Time Well Wasted By Brad Paisley see related

Every six months...

I still think that these blog things are funny. They were a huge fad a few years ago and I only think about mine when I see someone else's. It's strange to go back and reread what I wrote a few months (or in my case years) ago. It is odd to see my progression from situations and relationships. There are a lot of things that as I go back and read old posts that I think are embarrassing. To pour my emotions out in a way that is blatantly obvious to an audience of maybe a few strangers, or no one at all, seems pointless. In the end though it's really all about me. It's for me to go back and look at or it's for me to purge my thoughts in the first place. It's not so that I can really inform anyone about my life. It's a record of where I've been and what I've felt along the way.

The Samantha posts made me laugh, a lot. Through her mostly, I've learned that relationships live and die because of feelings. You can't sustain a relationship without commitment because feelings are constantly changing. In fact, there are points where feelings are the enemy of the relationship and all you have is your commitment to that person and the knowledge that, hopefully, they are just as committed to you.

I don't pretend that at 22 years old I have a grasp on true love. Every time I get involved with someone serious it seems like the greatest thing in the world and turns out to be a disaster in the end. But I still have faith in the idea of love and that we all want to experience love. I need to find (if I haven't already) someone who shares that same desire for the same kind of experience.

A lot of things scare me about growing up, graduating, finding a job, being an adult; but finding that one honest, true love is the single thing that doesn't scare me at all. I don't know why it seems so difficult or why the whole idea seems too good to be true, almost unachieved. It amazes me that so many people just up and run away when things get difficult. Maybe it's easier to lose someone and start over than it is to fix things. Or maybe, and this is what I believe, that we aren't patient people. That relationships to many people are just a business transaction or are selfishly founded because they like the way a person makes them feel. We shouldn't date (or marry) people because of how they make us feel. We should date people because of who they let us be, ourselves.

Maybe that's what I've found with Bethany, the girl I'm dating now. It seems like the past few months she's let me be exactly myself, good and bad. She's been here all along and I'm pretty sure she's comfortable being herself with me too. This could be the real deal. As usual, I'm excited. I'm much more optimistic than normal and I'm even more future-minded I guess you could say. I don't know if I believe in love at first sight, but what I experienced when I met her was something at first (maybe 2nd) sight and it hasn't gone away. I haven't completely fallen in love with her yet but it'll happen, I'm pretty confident of that and I bet she'd be willing to say the same. Everything will come together in time.

I'm not one to make predictions because I don't like being disappointed, so I'm not going to. There's always the possibility that I sit down a year, two years, five years, from now and read this and laugh. Then again, I could sit down and have everything I feel at the time reaffirmed, that I feel the same that day as today when I'm writing all of this. I hope that sooner, rather than later, I know who that one person is that I can love with every part of me and who loves me in return for exactly who I am. If I'm really lucky maybe Bethany is the last girl I ever have to date. Right now, there's no way to tell. All I can do is be myself, and treat her with every bit of respect she deserves and hope that I am exactly what she wants now, and in her future.

(Okay the girl stuff is over...)

This is turning out to be a really long blog but I've got to fill in some other things. First, Opa recently finished his 4th fight with cancer. He's been doing very well, though he's still weak and sad at times. I try to spend as much time with him and learn as much as possible because he is the kind of man I want to be. I'm moving from the house on West College down to East Main the first week in July. It's going to either be a lot of fun or a huge mistake. I'll be living with my 4 closest friends here and there's no telling what will happen. I was elected vice president of the fraternity so I'll be pretty busy with that whole thing in the fall and spring. We're close to getting our charter and the fraternity has defined my existence here at SFA. Speaking of which, school's starting to wind down, I've only got 24 (or 22, I can't remember now) hours left until graduation. I have no idea what I'm going to do when I leave but I want to stay in Texas (and as close as possible to Bethany, neither of us doubt we'll still be together).

I guess that's really it... for now.

A Lot Has Changed

It's been a good deal of time since I've been on here. I sort of miss writing about things. It's not really that I think anyone reads it, but I'm sure someone eventually will, but in writing things down I am actually forced to think about everything that has happened. So I'll start from this summer...

I went to summer school, that went well. I got to spend a lot of time with Samantha and that made me happy. I finished up around the 4th of July and went back to Dallas. I spent a few weeks there and then flew up to Wisconsin to go see Ryan. That was a crazy trip. I was really glad I got to see Ryan and his family. It had been 2 years since I saw him and about 6 since I saw his family. While I was up there one of my fraternity brothers found a house to rent and I went along with it even though I had never seen the house. I came back to Dallas for a few days and then packed up pretty much everything I have and moved down to Nacogdoches. The house turned out to be awesome. We have people over all the time, which is good and bad I guess. I'm sure Brandon gets tired of coming home to a flock of people. Anyway, the semester started off kind of rough. I wasn't mentally prepared for school and it's really affected my whole semester. On top of that, 3 weeks into school I found out that Samantha was seeing another guy behind my back. Maybe HOW I found out wasn't the most honest way, but it was happening and I did find out. And it's not the first time I'm sure. Her best friend told me of 2 other guys when we were first dating but Samantha said it wasn't true so I believed her, now I'm not so sure. No matter though, I'm as happy as ever. The only thing that I regret is the feeling that the 2 years we were together were a lie and that I really lost what I thought was the girl I was going to marry. When you first break up with someone you might go through those things in your head, or aloud, to make people feel sorry for you or to make yourself feel worse than you should. I've had an entire semester of seperation from the situation and I still feel like it was all a big let-down, maybe that's all love really is for some people. I'd like to think not, but life hasn't proved me wrong yet. I've gotten some good poetry out of the situation and I think that writing has purged me of a lot of those frustrations. (I still wouldn't mind seeing her contract herpes or HPV and seeing the guy she was seeing get struck by lightning.) Who knows, years from now (and yes, years. I speak from experience) we'll be able to look at eachother and speak normally.

The fraternity stuff is keeping me very busy. I've been very involved with it and I plan on doing more next year. The Packers are winning so that makes me happy. I'm definitely looking forward to Christmas break. I need some time away from here and regroup before next semester. My grades aren't going to be stellar, but they will be okay. I need to keep reminding myself that "C" is average. I guess that's all for now, I'll try to write more often for my benefit. There are just waaaay too many online things; Facebook, MySpace, 43things (if you don't know about that check it out), ect, ect....

Peace

Currently Listening It Won't Be Soon Before Long By Maroon 5 Nothing Lasts Forever see related

Summer's Over... Kind Of.

So tomorrow I head back to Nacogdoches to start some more summer school. I don't really know how to feel about it. I've had a lot of fun up here in Dallas, though it sometimes feels foreign. I like the complete lack of responsibility that I am required to have for anything here at home, even though I do a lot for my mom and grandparents. I don't know, I'm really torn. It will be nice to see Samantha because the distance thing is hard and we end up just pissing eachother off over things because we're so different Or maybe we're too similar, I can never really tell. It seems like no matter what there is always so much crap to deal with and at times it's hard to look past that. I almost feel like we need counseling or to read a self-help book about conflict because I honestly do not know how to deal with her sometimes when we fight and I know she has no clue how to deal with me. I'm not sure if we've ever really solved some conflicts we've had. It usually just ends up with us saying, "We're not going to agree so let's just ignore it." I fail to see the value in that in the long run and I have the feeling it's going to sneak up on us in the future. Is there really anyone that understands you completely? I don't even understand myself entirely, though maybe I should. I feel like when I look at people that I don't truly know them and that they don't truly know me or maybe that we have forgotten eachother entirely. Okay, I'm getting too existential now...

Long story short, I don't know where I want to be right now.

Dallas or Nacogdoches...

Over

Well, today marks the end of my 3rd full year in college. I don't feel like I've been in college this long but oh well. My 21st birthday was good. Went out to a bar, bought some beer and liquor, that whole thing. I'm just soooooo relieved to be done with this semester. Fall is going to be my hardest yet, and it's going to just get worse. I'm moving into a house that one of my fraternity brothers' mom bought. So we unofficially have an official house. So yeah. Don't really feel like writing much so I'll end it here. I'm sure I'll have lots more to say in a few days. Peace.

Currently Listening Led Zeppelin IV (aka ZOSO) By Led Zeppelin see related

Let's Try Again