| | An Entry from the Not-Quite UndergroundSometimes I come here when I feel like there's no where else to go, a sort of an escape I guess, or maybe the final wall down a dead end street. Writing here is maybe me shouting in the dark or maybe its me banging my hands against the wall and denying its staying power. I came back here tonight and noticed that I still had Amy listed as one of my chief interests. Its been two months, as of last week, since she broke up with me. That fact still leaves me feeling lost. Some times people feel like they have things all together. Those times don't happen to me very often. Tonight it hits me harder then usual how untogether I am. I guess its okay. But a lot of times I think I'm kind of grown up or something, then I look inside myself, or hear a song, or see a picture, and my heart tugs and my emotions are a shambles and its just like those highschool days and I know I'll never grow up. Right now my mind is telling me to make an analogy to Luke Skywalker, but I'm pretty sure that isn't called for. Nothing makes sense. God makes sense. God is in charge. God has an awesome, beautiful plan. God just sighs at our bumbles and smiles when we ask Him why. He knows. He has it all together. But I'm too small to see the dots or the lines connecting them. Why am I happening? Why is Life happening to me? Living is so much like dying, hate feels so much like love, crying is similar to laughter, fear is a lot like hope. Everything is balanced on such thin lines. Shades of gray, everywhere. And then, suddenly, they turn shockingly black and white, and I find myself on the wrong side of the line. Reacting and reacting, never getting away from anything, turning the whole world into some sort of a merry-go-round. Everything comes back. History repeats itself, except always on a larger scale. The same things happen. And then God raises His hand, and something different, new, and amazing happens. And then, the world regroups, like ants in an anthill, and goes on, like nothing ever happened. Sometimes even we forget that anything happened. But it DID happen, and it WILL happen. And that, is why we hold onto the lighter shades of gray in the years of mundanity, so that when the flashes of brilliance, the seconds of beauty, happen, we are the right side of the line.
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| | Posted 2/28/2008 2:03 AM - 0 comments
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