| again?god this is horrible but i think im going to relapse again.
i just cant stand it again. the weight.
and my depression is getting the best of me.
god i really thought i was fine, finally after such a long time.
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| wow, yeah it been a while since i upated here. well there's always a lot of crap going on. ive gained weight (well no surprprises there). im like the horrible 128 lbs now and today is my first day of fasting. i really hope i can keep it up because oh my god ive been eating soo much for the past month! it's horrible. i havent been exercising either. well today im starting all over again. im off to exercise today. i am really dissappointed about everything but i dont know, i just have to stay stronger... |
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| wow, i havent updated for a while.  |
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| Ok today is the most pathetic day ever. So I was trying to be all like positive about going to school, I'm gonna do better and all, study hard this time, improve my GPA and I will but I mean my personal life, god, could it be any worse??????? So here is the story. First day of fasting is tonight fucked up with binging because of this. This girl called, we’re not really like good friends, just know each other and anyway she tells me how she saw the guy I like right now. So I was like oh really? And she said though I have some not that great news and I was like well what? So oh by accident (yeah right bitch!) she mentioned how I went out with that loser (the one I slept with and then I didn’t exist for him anymore) and now all of this was happening while I was friends with this guy. But I mean we’re like classmates, barely knew each other back then and we still really don’t know each other well even now, so no I wasn’t going to mention in front of him any of this, wtvr. And she said how I was with this guy, slept with him, gave all the details (oh by motherfucking accident I ask again?!). So like he was shocked (yeah no shit) and was like really disappointed and didn’t understand how come I never mentioned any of this (I guess he felt that we might be more than friends and I was playing him or something). The worst is he knows this guy, knows that this guy is a complete disrespectful asshole. Anyway she was like oh I don’t know why did he react this way, blah, blah….So we were supposed to go to movies this week and I am quite sure he won’t call now. He probably thinks I'm some kind of slut but I swear I never knew this idiot I was with would be this way, he was so nice and shit in front of me,….god. I really liked this guy, I never even wanted anyone to know that I like him – something always get ruined like that but everyone noticed it a bit though. I mean we never flirted, seriously is being kind, smiling and having a good conversation any kind of hot steamy flirting??!?!? Well she was like oh I didn’t know you didn’t want him to know about it and I made it clear to her that I don’t want her to mention this to anyone anymore – it’s like my private life WTF???? Right? Oh god I feel so bad, I just wanna kill myself. Weight loss – none, so fucking depressing. I went so crazy today and I started going with a knife over my hand and then I started crying even more cos I was like god I am so fat the fucking knife wont even tear my skin properly to get the blood out, hahahah aaand I’m a coward to do it better. But hey now I have three marks on my left hand, that’s for starters, it felt better….the physical pain compared to the emotional one……I’ll be better, I will when I’m dead I guess. There that’s my miserable day today. I hope you all never experience crap like this, I just don’t understand why do others do this to me? I never enjoy hurting other people, I just don’t get it.I’m sure she’ll never know how much she hurt me
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