| Damn.Well, I woke up kinda late.. Because I got in kinda late. Going to miss my first block class. It's cool though, it's just Basic Public speaking, the rest of the classes are really the ones I need to worry about.
Anyway, so Fall is finally here. Cool weather, Halloween, changing of the leaves.. It's marvelous. I love to sit outside at night, chill on the steps and just enjoy the night air with my eyes closed. It's pretty much all I do now. Really do not have time for anything else any more. School, work, and Karate has consumed my life so much that I usually do not have one day off to simply relax. Thankfully, I do this week, Sunday. I've been thinking about where my life is going right now, I guess it's good and all, but it doesn't feel... Right. That's the best way I can explain it. I think the reason this is, is because I am single and I still do not wish to believe the girl that I loved is who she is now. She changed, dramatically, without any signs or anything. I should have seen it coming, but I was blinded by what people nowadays call love. Love, now, is artificial. You shouldn't say it if you really do not mean it. Love leads the weary heart down the path of happiness until it gets to a lake, and it stops. Only way to get across the lake is to swim, or walk around. Swimming helps, because it will get you to the otherside faster, and your on the same trail. (Lake, similiar to a tribulation and trial of a relationship. An issue that needs to be resolved..). To those that believe in love, it COULD prevail, but in this lake, there are usually things that will devour you, so the best route is to go around. Once you go, your not on the same path, your forging a new one.. You may be on the otherside of the lake, but it's a different one than you started. I was hooked on Katie for a long time. I couldn't help myself, a year and a half just dissappeared in no time and it was August, and she pulled a card from her hand that triumphed everything else. It was one of those shitty moments in poker when you realize that you lost all your chips because you think you had it, and the other player just does better, or worse.. how ever you think about it. She lied to me, basically cheated on me, and turned into a slut, something she never used to be. I missed it. I missed the signs and I kept forging ahead. She gave me the lake, I wanted to cross, but she filled this lake with all this bullshit that kept me from going. So, I had to forge another path, and she asked why. Well, simple, because your the one that decided to end it, decided to lie to me, cheat on me, etc.
I loved her.. I tried my best, but she is the type of person where the best is not what she wants, she wants more. Oh well. At least I know I tried. She went around spreading false ideas about the relationship about what went down. That's her progative. Not mine, but what else can I do. She chose her path and it made me choose mine. I am not going to lie, I miss her, and I still love her.. Simply because I THOUGHT she might be that one special person in my life that I could spend the rest of my life with. I was wrong, and humanly, I couldn't accept it for the longest time. I thought it was a bad dream and I would wake up from it. I just couldn't grasp the fact she did all that.. and one day, something snapped in my mind. I just didn't really give a shit any more. There is no use of trying to figure out what she lied to me about and why she has done the things she has done. Simply because it's not my deal any more. I will still sit here and wonder why she did, but I will never get those answers desired because more than likely, because of the web of deciet she had spun for herself, I won't believe it. I just can't believe it. I wouldn't mind being her friend, but I can't bring my self to be decent enough to actually talk to her. I can't push back the lies she had told me, and how she 'almost' cheated on me and think that we can be friends. It just doesn't work that way. My friends are my friends because I trust them with my life. I know they will tell the truth and will be there by my side. I thought she was the same, and I just can't deal with the damn drama and stress of her now. I hope she reads this, or one of her friends, it would make my day really, simply knowing that my message is finally coming across. The things she has told me just do not add up any more. It's not plausible. "I lied to find my morals." Isn't "Not lying" a moral in itself? So, it just makes me wonder how much she has really changed within that mind of hers, and what is really going on. How can you do one thing to find morals, when it, itself, is morally wrong? So yeah, I guess what I am really trying to get at.. is I lost all amounts of respect for this girl. She has fooled around with guys that she said she would never have anything to do with. She has lied on numerous occassions about only god knows about, and pretty much, she thinks I have no right to be disgusted in what she has become. I might have said some hurtful things to her, but what has she done to me? Slanderized me, lied to me, cheated on me...My pet peeves that she KNEW about. So, what's the deal? I can't hurt? I can't be pissed off and boiling? And because I am, I am in the wrong about it? I mean, C'MON. What other types of feelings should I have? I should love her unconditionally, even though the past few months she has treated me like shit and betrayed me? That I should forget the months we had together that was good? I just can't do it. So, all in all.. I still have feelings for her, and they have changed. The person she is now, disgusts me. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. She has changed for the worse, but only she cna bring her self out now. She told me I needed to grow some balls to talk to her in person.. What do you think I want to do? Just walk up to you like nothign happened? See you with other guys and know you have done things with them? I can't bring myself to talk to you. Not once, probably not ever now. So, to you Katie, I appologize for all the things I put you threw in the past few months.. but, it's far from what you have done to me. This was a learning experience for me, me knowing this, I move on. I keep moving and I keep living. I try not to dwell on the past and just remember I have a life I need to live. So, to bring this to a close.
I loved you Katie. I did the best I could. You repayed me this way. That's fine. I accept your ways now, and I really want nothing to do with you. To me now, your just a nother person, and that is all you will ever be. You once held my heart in one hand, and my hand in the other. Now, I just hold disgust in my stomach. Change, grow up. You need it. You think life is just a bunch of milk and ceral, that it's black and white and that you deserve to get everything you want and need. It doesn't work out that way. I tried showing you things that you were blind on, you didn't want to see. I tried to be there but you pushed me away. I may be a great guy, but a great guy is only as great as everyone let's him to be.. so, whatever is going through your mind now, you made it. So think about this the next time you want to talk to me. That you want to be civil and try to talk to me like a friend as if nothing happened. "You made your bed, now you have to sleep in it.". And to those very few avid followers of my blog, adieu. To the rest, I tip my hat to you. And to those very few that deserve it... This is what you wanted, don't complain about it, it was your choice. -Nin)a |
