I found their cigarettes yesterday... both of them.

She lost her dad to cancer, and it turned her entire life upside down... is she trying to do that to me too? Or does she even consider that... she's being selfish.

                          how can I trust either of them.

when they swear to God they've quit....                               I'm supposed to believe them.

They're my parents.

That's why it hurts when I lift up a cd in the center console and find an entire pack... they lied.

I threw them away.... and played Super Mario like nothing was wrong. Just like when I spend the next week with them in the sun... I'll pretend that all is well...

I don't know what to do anymore.

Currently Reading The Inferno By Dante Alighieri see related

Things are looking up... as if I couldn't fortell that would happen.

The sun is shining again...

I'm still wearing his ring.

Currently Watching House, M.D. - Season One see related

Something's wrong with me.. my hand has developed a twitch in the last few days.

I feel worried constantly, though there isn't anything to worry about. All I want to do is sleep, and when I'm not sleeping I cry. I never cry.

I started my new job the other day and I'd rather stick a fork in my eye than go; they are basically like "if you breathe wrong, we will fire you", so I'm always nervouse and say and do the wrong things, and I have to work all day every day this week and they are training me to do stuff I didn't want to do, just because a bunch of their other trainees quit on them...that says a lot for them right? The only reason I even have that job is because my dad flips on me constantly about money even though I never ask him for any, and he never gives me any... but he has no problem giving my sister who moved out of state and quit her job 3 grand, a car, and furniture for her new apartment. He paid for her college, books, and two of ehr cars and gives her at least 1 grand every holiday... and then bitches to me that I leave a light on in the house once and a while... I also have to pay for my own college...and books...and vehicles..plus he's a big time alcoholic...which depresses my mom and he's too stupid to realize it.

My mom's depressed too; her dad died a few months ago and she doesn't seem to want to go on. She's also starting a new job and I think she's having second thoughts about it. I'm also quite sure she'd leave my dad if she thought she could afford it... so she's not there as much as she used to be...we were best friends before all of this..

I also broke the engagement with my boyfriend tonight... I almost broke up with him completely, but I couldn't bring myself to... I don't know what I'm doing anymore...

I think I might stay a few nights with my friend here in a bit... just to get away...

Well I suppose I ought to get some sleep..even though I don't tihnk I need anymore, I'm exhausted....plus I have to get up early for work tomorrow...

love always,
Carrie Lynn

ps. I hope your days are going better than mine.

Carrie Lynn's Adventures in Wonderland

In my world, it would always be very sunny, but pouring rain...and it would always be about 70 degrees, and there would be no clouds (yes, even though it's raining, it's my wonderland so shut up) and the skies would be full of rainbows and butterflies. But the butterflies wouldn't be gross... they would be all different bright colors, and they would all sing prettyful songs, and the birds... they would sit and talk to me while I laid in the sun/rain.

I would live in the biggest, whitest, most beautiful castle in the whole land, where spiders and other icky bugs dared not enter, and baby kitties ran around all over....but they weren't smelly or poopy. It would always smell like primrose & rosehip in the castle, and tulips and lilacs would grow in vines up and around the castle towers (again, my world, lilacs and tulips can grow on vines, and together) I would have a 90-acre field of all different colored roses, and no flower ever, would ever die.

The love of my life would be perfect (as defined by me); he would go on all the roller coasters (because being a wonderland, there would definitely be rollercoasters), pick me flowers at every opportunity, sing to me, dance with me (even without music), always always hold my hand, he would have the body of a God, shaggy black hair and piercing green eyes... He would have the intelligence of a neurosurgeon, and speak like a poet....in an irish accent. He would tell me every day that I was beautiful, and that he loved me... and he would never say goodybye...only "see you later" because there would never be a goodbye.

In my land there would be no politics, there would be no religion, there would be no negativity, no discrimination, no murder, no hate... and everyone would laugh and smile all the time. There would be no seriousness except for in love. Nobody would have to work, because everyone would be magic, and could have whatever they wished in a whim. There would be no money because there would be no need...and without money there would be no war. There would be no disease, and all lovers would die on the same day. Funerals would be celebrated happily, as parties.

.....well that made me feel a bit better I suppose....

I've decided I want to be a nurse. I'd actually really like to be a doctor someday. I've seen the things they can do, and it amazes me. I doubt myself though, because doctors are all so smart, and I'm not so sure that I have that potential..
I told him about it, and he kind of just shrugged it off, like a "yeah, and I want to be an astronaut" type of thing.... maybe he's not what I've been waiting for my whole life?

Why is it that things always have to take a turn for the worst as soon as good things start to happen? It seems far too ironic to me... like winning the lottery and then dying right after... I think some singer sang that... I can't recall who though. They are so right whoever it is.

Why is everything so serious? I applied for a job today... they couldn't have made it more uncomfortable for me if they tried... If I were hiring people, I would definitely offer up some ice cream or something... or maybe put some colors on the office walls...

In my world, the books would have nothing but pictures..

I absolutely love Alice and Wonderland.... hmmm....I suppose next entry will be Carrie Lynn's Wonderland.... Stay tuned.