two nights home alone,
and its probably best that way,
considering i'm trying to make a change,
even if it's from the outside in.

and you are that spider
weaving the webs in my mind,
but its time to sweep them,
sweep them out of the corners,
time to shed some light,
time to grow up,
time to move on.

its just so hard,
cuz that spider just keeps creeping around, 
so imperceptible, leaving its webs here and there,
and this broom just won't do the job,
as much as i flail it,
and fling it
wherever that little shadow seems to run
i just cant kill it.
i want to kill it.
i just want to kill it.

can you hear me?

i want it to die,
and i want to live.
please, please, please
kill the spider,
kill that shadow
that lives within my mind

help me want something good
help me want something pure
or maybe just forget the specifics,
and just hear my cry for help.

flowers and aneurysms
(as if they had anything in common)
but we toil as if today
were nothing but a drought
excessive blood flow from the brain,
we become dry and we whither.
whether beneath the scorching heat
or in this body, frail and moaning.

if only words became actions.
if only words never became actions.

because i speak of what i wish to do
but only the evil ever comes about.
and i speak of love. true love.
but i fail every time
(which i believe the poet says
all that is good was god,
the mistakes were mine)

the tension between
and the strings being pulled
and my lack of even knowing how to act
in conversation.
i am awkward.
i don't belong with these people.
i'm just me.
and i really don't feel the need, nor really want to know the cool people.
because they are all so shallow.
what i said wasnt even that profound,
and he looked at me as if i'd seen into his soul.
but maybe thats what i have to offer.
maybe thats what i have to bring.
insight. understanding. love.
because the cool kids are hiding plenty of pain too.
the people that are the hardest to love, generally need it the most.
ironic.

but here again this thought pervades.
this rabbit has run down the trail
and try as i may, i can't help but follow.
or so it seems.
and i try to keep the green from creeping up my spine
the illness that so pervades.
i'm alice,
floating in this bottle
overwhelmed by the flood,
still chasing that little white rabbit....
why, oh why...