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| Holy shit an update.
Yes, I know. I haven't updated in a long ass time, but if i had, no one would have read it anyway so what does it matter? Really I don't have much time for this thing anymore (Ok thats a lie, but I'm lazy and really have nothing to say right now) but heres an update for all you die-hard fans... ok that was a joke, shut up.
You know, its really rather irritating how some one can take what you've said, what you've been given credit for, and take it as their own. Yes, I know I'm posting this on the internet on a free blog site so I shouldn't complain, but fucken really, my rants and my ideas are mine and mine alone, I post them so that people can read them and hopefully change their minds about some issues. So if you like what I have to say, and it has changed your views or opinions about society and people in general, why in FUCK would you plagiarize MY work? If I have made an impact on you, DON'T STEAL MY WORDS.
Now thats not saying that if I haven't impacted you that it's ok to steal my work, far from it, but its all the worse if you spread what I've said to other people and taken the recognition for what I have said.
And if you say I should be happy that my work has reached people outside of Xanga because of people re-telling my rants shut the fuck up or so help me... I'm all for my work reaching outside this website, but damnit, it's still my work and give me the credit. Or at least point them in the direction of my site after you've finished re-telling my stories.
In any case, be happy there's a new post up. I know it's kinda shitty, but by god, live with it.
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| My Mind
My mind is a teaming cesspool of emotions and thoughts.
I want yet I don't know what I feel. Twinges of want and of Jealousy... I've fallen back into unknown territory.
I don't know these emotions the way I should. I don't know myself the
way I should, and I don't know how to act. I ever so confused.
But I wont break down or give anything up. The inner workings of my mind are my own, and no one else's.
I want.....
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| The Tree of our Lives
In
the beginning we start as a seed, planted amongst our family, nurtured
by nutrients given from the ground of our birth. Some grow to be strong
saplings, able to weather difficulties with the aid of our fellows. And
some become weak, frail, bent, that break under the slightest hint of
adversity, with no aid from the fellows. Some break and some don't.
But then, the maelstrom of life hits, the winds of
fate, the unrelenting rain of emotion tears the young sapling from the
ones it grew up with, the ones that protected it, the ones that
nurtured it. It is sent some where new, some where with new nutrients,
new difficulties to be overcome, a new place to take root and become
strong. Some break, some don't.
The now young tree has strong roots in the ground
that it was sent too, but it is still young. The strong, changing force
of the weather may still be able to lift, tear it from its acquired
home. Its contentment. Again it is sent somewhere new, somewhere to
weather new challenges. Some will break, some will fall, some will give
up and never take root again, some don't.
The elder tree, with its roots deep in the ground, is unrelentingly
strong, even the most wild winds of chance can not tear it away from
the life, the ground, the happiness it has acquired from years of growth
and change. Very few well make it this far. Fewer still grow to make
their own orchard of saplings to weather the same storm it has. But
some do, some sooner then others, some stronger then others, some
weaker. But it's all the same, every tree will be sent to different
places in the hurricane of life, but all will end with the same
decisions, the same chance to take root. The same chance to break, to
give up. Some will, and some won't.
Will your tree take root in fertile lands, to create its own saplings to
protect from the gale of adversity? Or will your tree break, fall, and
die in the sands of loss and dissatisfaction? Of sadness, and dispare?
In the end its up to you to break, or not.
Jesus
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| By Way Of Life
We see our lives flash
before us in rapid screenshots of what once was. We remember the things
we did, we remember our hopes and our dreams. We remember our family
and those who made a difference in our lives, however small that
difference may have been. When it's all brought back to us in a blaze
of furious recolection, our lives seam so short, so... unlived. Is that
how it is when one dies?
As teenagers we strive to be different, to be our own individual. We
try and make the most of our lives. But when we look back on it, it was
all time that we could have spent better then we did. The nestalgia of
the past. Even when the past wasn't wonderful, we stull yern to re-live
it, to make it better.
Why does every person do this? Why can't we be content with our accomplishments with out wanting to have done more?
I love my life. Im... happy. But things are so fragle, the wonderful
things, events,... people we take for granted. We expect them to be
there. But they can break so easily. One wrong word and it can all fall
to pieces before our very feet. And we wish to fix it, seldom can we.
I miss the past. I miss the carlessness of not having a job. I miss the
way J, Tracy, and I used to be. Content. All of us depressed, but our
pressence with one another was... happy. And in those time I believe,
if even they wern't, I was happy.
But those moments don't dictate a life. The fact of the matter was I
wasn't happy. None of us were. We were all looking for something more,
a deeper relationship. Some thing to make us whole. I think only one of
use truly retains the bliss that is felt in the pressence of "The
Group."
Because hes the only one who hasn't "found someone."
I'm happy beyond comprehention. I used to believe that true happyness
didn't exist, that "Happyness" was only a few choice moments in our
lives where we chose to foget our troubles and be happy with what is
before us.
But that isn't so. Being able to look to a future with some one that
you love. To know that you have them, to KNOW that they are your one
and only. Is true happyness. No, it's not perfect, nothing in life is,
but it's better then glancing memories of the times that were.
I don't want to look back on my past and see lost causes, broken
dreams. I can't, I won't see My Group fall appart. I will not live my
life knowing the thing that kept me alive during depression could break
up so easily when a need is met. When a new pleasure is introduced into
life.
I will not give up my relationship eather. They can live in ballence. I
know it can because I'm doing all I can to acheave that ballence. I
need help though. I can't hold together myself, my life, and the life
of the group by myself. I can't be the only one that sees these things
happening. I refuse to believe that the people that taught me more
about life then any other group of people, more then my own family
taught me, could be blind to a problem that is so blantent.
It will be fixed, nothing will fall appart. I will not die and see a
lost cause. I will die with the people I love. I will die content.
There will be nothing in my life that I have left undone. I will live
my life with no regrets. My life will not fall appart again. Never. I
wont allow it. I can not live a half loved life.
-Randall
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| Power
It is human nature for
those in power to want to use it for personal gain, to advance those
who are close to them. But power is given by those under a person, a
person can have no power if the pawns will not listen, if they will not
accept.
To have the power to change the world, one must have a following, one
man cannot do it alone without the concent of the masses. To want to
change the world to your own narrow minded, self indulgent ways is
ignorant and assinine. Impossible.
I wish to have power in this world, because in my own eyes my views are
important and I feel as though if more people belived as I do, the
world would be a better place. But as history has shown, my ideas scare
the pawns... it makes them run back into their confortable hole of
ignorance, of self indulgence. They don't want to see change, they only
want a constant. People cannot see the problems with this world because
they choose to put the blame on some one else, the choose to put the
weight on some one else's sholders. Because no one wants that weight.
Everyone feels they cannot hold it by themself, because its true. But
if everyone were to come together under one unified leader that is
incoruptable, then the weight and the worry of this world could be
carried by a billion, instead of just one.
I can feel the weight of the problems of the world. Wont anyone take a
stand and help me hold it, will some one rise up with the incoruptable
spirit, the capability to make the ignorant pawns see what they are
creating, and make them stand and hold it all up together?
Or will we all be crushed, snuffed out of existance but the problems we choose not to recognise?
Which would be better for the world?
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