| my life long storyI never thought id be here....
But here i am jsut turned 18 five days ago. I don't have a penny in my name and i have no "family" to call my own. i live with my boy friend Dan Lopez, and we've only been officially dating for about 3 1/2 weeks. yet i know i love him with all of my heart. insane you say??? yes i know. and i should know better right? ive been ingaged before and it was useless, a waste of time. But hey why not get hurt some more? why not take a leap everytime? im going to because id like to see how bad it can gets before i go over the edge. People bring my ignorance to my attention all the time. I choose to give them the blank stare and move on. im working on getting a job, and next year ill try to go back to school to finish the senior year.
so what happened was...
it started when i was born... i had the average perfect family, in Hemit, CL i had a mom a dad and an older brother. When i was 6 months old my dads job moved him to SLC Utah... we had a huge house and beautiful backyard with mountains you could see... it was amazing.
after five years we moved to Oak Forest, IL. a lame little town... and i started school...i dont remember most of kindergarden... who really does? first grade i had an amazing b-day where my parents hired me a clown who painted faces and made baloons. I cried and hid in my room. eventually i came out and i realized the clown was pretty funny. no to mention a girl!!! the cown was a girl!! and she was a pretty clown. so i dont remember why i was scared to begin with. then after first grade we moved to grant park IL.... 45 minutes south. A small ass hick town where if you didnt have a last name like... eckhoff, eckoff, or haman you just dont fit it too well. My brother and i never really made any real friends for the next ten 5 to 6 years. we had loser friends and all the other kids made fun of us. 2nd through 5ht grade i was friends with this nerdy girl Marilyn Dempsey.
During the summers i attended camp at the YMCA in bradly IL. i waspretty much the most popular girl there. and it felt good to be cool for once. all the boys thought i was cute and i acted like i was to good to only have one little boyfriend. ill admit at the time i was a little hart breaker hooch. a new b/f everyday and all the other girls hated me for it. i met my best friend carma...but i only seen her during the summers. Yet we were still like sisters. we did everything together when we could every no and then convincing our moms to let us hang out during th year. Then go back to camp with bigger and better ways to rule it. are arrivals finaly showed. Samantha Machonahe and Katie Kozak. They thought they could slip our reps right from under us. HA! they had other things coming their way. we never gave up, we got what we wonted, and if we didnt he had our little fan clubs to help out. we then had to work on keeping the little kids happy. we had to let them sit by us and include them on things. it wasnt all that bad. but it was def chore. Camp was amazing and a great experience ill never forget.
Then came 6th grade... it was middle school and i hated every minute of it. popular girls laughing at me and 8th graders tripping me.i couldnt wait for camp. there i wasnt able to get a cute, cute b/f so i settled for nerdy ones. I bacame friends with this girl alyssa shultz who was a 7th grader. We spent most of everyday together and we became the coolest girls at the skating rink in bourbanais. We mad lots of friends and she dated josh pain, who was the most gorgeous boy that eeryone wanted. I was stuck with his friend zach who i didnt even really like but he was nice and called me almost every night. everything was awesome. we skated and danced every friday. we had the bes of times till she decided to befriend me and i decided to threaten her. so i got kicked out of school and moved....and wasnt able to attend camp. ever again. and eventually i got to old to go.
I ended up in perryville AR. living with my aunt linda who was a witch. we lived in this small garage that was divided into two parts... the room, bathroom, and laundry room, and the other half was kitcen dinning room and tv room... all very small areas crashing together. then across the driveway was the big house that my aunt and uncle were building and only they were aloud there. so my cousins, bj, mariah and i were to stay in the garage. near my aunt linda, on the same street was my uncle darrel, cousin sheala with my 2nd cousin LJ, anunt jean with cousin John-T, and Gayle. John-T had two kids, cheyanne, and brandon. Gayle just had her miracle child from hell, Jacob scott. down the street was a boy named Steven McGee. he was a year older than me and i found him to be cute as can be. course it was weird cuz i never liked a hickish boy... he had a mullet and a bubble butt lol. his dad would have cook outs and invite all the neighbors and friends. they'd play things like lynard skynard. they were pretty good.
At school everyone thought i was pretty cool... being the new kid was fun this time... cause i could say anything and they'd assume they could beleive me... so i didnt seem to stretch the truth too much... i said i was from chicago from an ultra rich family, witch at the time was true... my family was pretty rich. I made a friends at school but after school i would hang out with my cousins mostly. most of the time it was a war though. i was always beating jacob scott up and brandon was always making me feel stupid. cheyanne and i would play with miriahs head and tell her to stupid shit. Bj would complain about everything so we'd leave the room and ignore the peice of shit. every now and then id call carma to see how she was... or i'd cry about how i miss the old days. but like always we'd eventually stop talking for a while. till the next time we needed one another.
Steven and I became really close. we never dated cuz neither one of us admitted we liked eachother but everyone knew. it was just kinda obvious. WE'd always play board games together and my favorite was yatzee. His mom was always winning for some odd reason, they'd never let his little sister play cuz she was to young. his little brother was always trying to screw everyone up. he was too young to play too.
eventually i went back home for a coupl of weeks and when i came back steven was mad at me... i had no reason why. he started being really mean to me and always hung out with everyone else but me. i never went over for board games and his little brother would always throw rocks at me when he saw me. but i think he would have done that anyway cuz he was a brat. seventh grade started and steven and i were going to the same building. I would always say hi to him but he never responded. Eventually i gave up and started talking to this boy JT but he ended likeing some other girl and i was left alone. so i just hung out with this girl named gena. id go to her house and i told her how i always like girls since i was real little, and she kissed me. but it was only once. Then i found her brother rodney, who was a year younger than me, well he liked me and me and him became b/f and g/f. but we never saw eachother. only now and then when id see gena. then i broke up with him and he cried. and started going to church where i went so he's see me more. but i ignored him. I then didnt want to see his sister cuz i didnt want to see him so i started hanging out with this girl named toshia who became my first g/f. and we did lots of things. No one really knew... we just acted like friends in front of others, affraid of what they would say or do if they knew.
Out of no where my parents came to get me. They surprised me and i didnt have time to tell toshia. i tried calling but no one answered and my parents wouldnt let me go to her house to see if maybe they were on the computer. So we left. and i didnt get to say goodbyes. And sad to say ive always been bad with keeping in touch so. i never bothered calling her while i was back home. I was too worried about the new school id be attending, worried about friends, and what people would say, or what would i say to them to make them like me. i figured id be my goofy self for once.
So there i was. At grace baptist academy. where every tuesday we had to wear a long skirt. i hated it. Every girl was so girly and nice it made me sick. this girl meghan was the "head honcho" and her side kick sam was her little "slave" it all made me sick. they invited me to a sleep over party and they all just singled me out mostly. it was wreched. The head basketball star, vince aske me out the first day... and i said yes. Now being in 7th grade you dont really have much knowlege of dating. i just let it all just slip away. two weeks later i broke up with him. and everyone hated me even more. meghan was just happy cuz the whole time we were dating she was trying to break us up so she could have him.idk the it wasnt that exciting... so moving on
Come 8th grade i was able to go to grant park again. and everyone had all these questions to ask me. But get this... 2nd day of school my mom comes to tell me she's leaving my father. and my brother is moving out and in with a friend in town. WTF??!?!? so we left. and i went to rogers AR. met this guy named Karl Gross and dated him for the two months i was there. He abused me and controled me. for some reason i didnt mind cuase i figured he loved me. and thats how it was supose to be. i ended up cheating on him with a boy named jordan who was sweet and convinced me i need better. and he kissed me and i kissed him back. and the next day my father came and got me to move back with him. cuase he heard about my mother being a bitch. She was trying to get me to sleep with this guy brandon. Brandon was rich and 17 and i was like 13. it was insane and didnt make sense. but she was a crazy bitch.
Went back to IL and more questions got asked. i told them stories... and i made all new friends. i no longer talked to Marilyn... I found myself to good for her. (at least im honest?) i hung out with preppy girls... at the time i was what they called "different" punkish... gothish... but i was pretty and nice. and talked to everyone. so it was easy to make some nice freinds... Andrea became my best friend. and there was Julie, kelly, danielle, amanda, melissa, tuggers, and not to mention my b/f steven carlo rodriguez. He was always at kellys house and finally i had the nerve to talk to him... he was a highschooler! and that amazed me. he was different like me. and just gorgeous. Everyone thought we were perfect together. He came over everyday. rain or snow. without a coat. he became apart of my family and i became a part of his. It was always andrea, steven, kelly, tuggers and i hanging out at kellys or tuggers playing crazy games we made up. both tag like games called lepparcaun and rapter. bunch of kids were always there and we'd all play. something would always go wrong and get julie mad and whenever wayne would come he'd always try to score with a girl. and he was a sophomore so eveyrone but me pretty much did something with him. i had steven and wayne knew i was off limits. Andrea and I started stealing tons of things. one or two things became fix or six... and that became w/e we could fit and geta away with. we had the coolest things.
over the summer we had the greatest times. My father would take me and her to TGIF a resturaunt. and we'd go home and have margaritas.it was some crazy times... we'd walk around town till three in the mourning just chillin at kellys playing crazy night games a running from the cops... we never got caught. everything was A-okay! just perfect. it was a good summer. then came freshman year!! my freshman year was amazing it was more fun than i thought it would be everyone knew it was always me and steven... we were inseprateable.he would always come over steven would stay over later. My dad nor his parents really cared about too much of what we did. we would always stay alone in my room watching movies but nothing ever really happened. and when it did it was at his house halloween time. his mother went crazy and i was there comforting him. i got mad cuz he would go to the haunted house so i left... and then i realized how shity i was being and ran back and jumped all over him saying sorry. and one thing lead to another and i wasnt a little virgin anymore. everyone thought we'd get married. even i thought so at the time. i thought life would be peachy.
Through out my freshman year i hung out with andrea, and got made fun of for being differnt by all the seniors. i never really cared. i loved it... so i basically just soaked it all up. coming to school everyday with an even more crazier outfit to see the priceless looks on there faces. a lot of kids gave me credit though for doing my own thing and not worrying about others and what they think. i got compliments and complaints everyday. i was a crazy one.
well then came summer. steven and i broke up. we were on and off for a long ass time and finally i just kept it final. and now he hates me. i dont remember the summer too much though. people fell apart... my dad got remarried... andrea and i got caught stealing so we werent aloud to hang out anymore. i started hanging out with this girl kayla wilcoxen, who was this bad ass chick that everyone was scared of. and for some reason ppl thought she was a whore. but she was virgin and i thought she was alright, stuborn, but pretty nice... sometimes. i dated johnny daile... who broke up with me three weeks later. but it was no big deal.
fast forward... the summer was lame so was i cuz i lost friends
ok sophomore year... Kayla intro duced me to mary jane... and KURT PECSENEY became like my fucking brother... he became my new closest friend. i guess he developed this huge crush on me... and well i couldnt see him like that... and i was always sorry for it... his friends were usually pretty cool Derek Dahlman who was in my class.. kinda a bum... but he was cool his mom was amazing and always let us do w/e we wanted basically. drink drugs wat ev.
at this football game i met brandon pastoral.... i thought he was god the 1st skater i ever dated... and i thought that was amazing. i was stoked! he was a good kisser and things were perfect. i kinda thought it wouldnt last but it was an ok 2 months. but everyday i hung out with him and ben smarjesse who ive met before and ben and i became really close friends. like another brother i became close with his family.. but towards the end brandons parents hated me for no reason when i was nothing but nice but his mom is crazy... and then. he broke up with me and i didnt hang out with ben anymore.and i thought it was the end of the world... i went crazy and dated who ever came along for a while. i jsut didnt think things mattered. i had sex with them cuz i figured thats all i was good for. and it was 3 guys in a school year. witch to me was horrible. but i didnt care.. i got use to it. sex was just sex. whats the big deal? pffff.
then i started hanging out with kayla and them again. one time... it was like... me kayla, ashley, and i forgot who else... but we were walking down the street and we'd sing "i walk this lonely the road the only one that i have ever know" lol it was funny... it was by green day... and fucking i hated them cuz they were sell outs.. and that made me mad... but wat ev. kayla and them always poked fun cuz i was "different" one time they left my on the side of the road when i was drunk and kept driving away everytime id start to get it... saying "no goths aloud".... i wasnt even goth... wtf??? right??? right!!
hmmm... then kaylas love of her life... wayne.. tried sleeping with me... i was like... not so much i just made out with him... but i know that was shady of me... and BOY did she want to kick my ass.... i cried and begged and just cried so hard she was too scared to hurt me cuz i was freaking out. i was never more sorry in my life!!!.
i started hanging out with kurt more and started dating his friend joel... who kept calling me karen so i broke upwith him in a week... ya know! my drug usaage was expanding... and im telling you... do NOT DO oxycotton. it made me so sick... we took it and went to this girls emily meriks... and i threw the fuck up!!! no joke... i was dieing... the sky was spining... and i coulding hold on to anything. i thought id die for sure. thats when elle and i were friends as well... and that was pretty saweet. those were good. times. elle would always lie to her mom and we'd go smoke weed. then one day her mom found out so we werent aloud to hang out.
at one point we hated on kayla cuz al she did was lie... so we came up with a gang. we called it NPL non pathalogical liers... we were lame... chyea! lol. but it was fun times.
anway fast forward... come towards the end of sophamore year summer wat ev i started going to shows with linnea pecseney.. kurts little sister... she was my 1/3... since dan makes up the other 1/3 .. ya know... well anyway... i called her linny for a while. but everyone called her naya sooo no its nay nay.. naya wat ev... she was amazing. she introduced me to music and life was getting better... i got my license and everyday was an andventure. she was pretty much straight edge and i didnt want to be a bad influence so i cut down. i loved her soo much and still do till this day. summer was full of shows and bands and new friends... it was world that made me feel at home... for once. i had a belonging in life. i was happy. i met this boy named jake ochoa...... and he was my everything. i saw him outside skating while hanging out with an ex, ricky latty. jake looked 20 at the time but he was 15.. he was god to me... the most amazing skater ive ever met. smart.... smart ass.. mysterious and he didnt think of himself to highly... everyone would stereo type him as emo... he didnt talk to other kids at school and i saw him most of everyday. he made me feel better ... and i devoted everything to him. then he broke up with me and said he was gay but really he ended up dating this whore nina pina. i dont know why i knew she would hurt him and i didnt want that cuz i still loved him.i even tried to kill myself cuz i thought i couldnt live without him but my friend pat brosch saved my life. .. jake apologized for hurting me and i instantly forgave him. and we just became good friends. then he met a girl shelli who i thought was perfect for him. they dated for a long ass time and i was happy for them.
i moved on started spending my time between kayla and naya. but eventually all my time was nayas. and kayal and i didnt really talk to much anymore. i went to warped tour for my first year... it was amazing. hot... sweaty... crazy just amazing... listening to hawthorne heights, emery, relient k, and all them. goood ass time!
the coffee suite was the new thing... and naya and i knew shannon rodriguez... who was stevens older sister... she knew everything... she was the scene of scenes. she knew everyone to know. bands and such. she would hook us up with after parties at time.. naya didnt like parties but i made her go, being a bad influence. ooops. one of our first was with Hello Im Victor... naya fell asleep on a van seat they had in their building. and i drank and met eric holt... who i ended up dating for two months. towards the end i couldnt stand him and he couldnt stand me either. pff anyway.
finally school started... and well. it was an ok junior year. was grounded for bad grades. but dad gave me so many breaks and naya and i were still the best of best... her freshman year and i had her back... but she didnt need it... everyone loved her... and i hated it...i got jelous cuz... they excepted her. no one excepted me. but idk maybe i just noticed the good parts... cuz there were a few who were like WTF?!?! but i was still a bit jelous. but wat can i say.. shes too cool. sometimes i thought she acted cooler than me at school and more distant and that would make me pissed. i dont know what i expected from her... FUCKING FLOWERS??? i was lame... still kinda am. but hey wat ev. if i wasnt i wouldnt be terra nova! ya know! anyway as i was saying....junior year was alright... same crazy grades. NOT TO mention i went to this party and this gay guy chase was there... and evreyone wanted him even straight boys... he was gorgeous and im proud to say... beyond beleif I Terra Heart Nova got to kiss him... well at the time i was Tara Kay Alonzo... but hey... same diff. i ended up going to to my moms in jaunuary. cuz i couldnt take gp anymore...
STARTING FROM ARKANSAS
now in back on rogers AR... 1st day of school was amazing. 2000 kids and it was just juniors and seniors.. i loved it... starting over. and fucking feeling alive. i met mary... who was the first person i ever ditched school with and got high fucked up and just fucking amazing times. she was my best for a while there. i was punk/emo/goth..... w/e,.... id wear a red bow in my hair and some would call me mini. then i started dating this boy eric who had a baby on the way and i didnt look down on him for it... shit happens... who cares? my life isnt perfect. but that ended. he had to back and be a dad and that's all good. then i started dating Olivia... and well. she was asian looking.. but she was mexican but i thought she was asian for the longest time... shit son! she was hot. cute.. "gothy" i thought it would be love but then she was crazy... i also started hanging out with stephanie who became my mommie!!! and i basically started living with her... partys all the time... and i mean the party of parties everynight... better and better i started dating sergio and olivia and i fell apart... sergio and i fell in love... or what i thought was love. we spent everyday we could together. heh. i took his virginity. and he felt upset cuz he knows ive been with other boys and he didnt wished that i would have been all his. and kinda sad ya know? i never thought the happyness would end as long as im with him........... oh wait.. then i cheated on him twice... not like sex cheat... kisses... 1st justin pushed me against the wall and kissed me and pushed him off and said...hey... i have a b/f. so sergio considered that cheating.. then at stephanies it got worse.. fights and shit ya know! justin and sergio had tension and things happened with stephanies mom and what not... unmentionables. i had to move back home to IL cuz i was getting out of hand with the drugs and i was happy but what about sergio?? i loved him. i couldnt live without him... pfff anyway... we decided to wait till summer and he'd comemove with me my parents and his parents were cool with it...
i went back home... worked on school till he came and then he came. linnea and i went to pick him up and we were soo excited i was so nervous when i saw the bus come i wanted to stay hiding in my car... lol but i went to wait for him to get off... i was soooo excited... i almost pee'ed myself... he met linnea and that was the most important part to me... him excepting her and everything. i loved them. and still do. well. ya know what i mean. sergio linnea and i went back to my house... lol ha ha.. .we had sex next to linnea... but hey!!!! ive been next to her and her DT like 50 zillion times!!! lol ya know! besides she was sleeping! ha ha anyway!
that all happened and he got along with my friends and what not everyone loved him and that made me happy. he made a friend austin rates... and all four of us would sit at my house smokin drinking w/e having good times. austin liked naya but that wasnt gunna happen... too bad. wat ev. austin was a great bmxer... i mean great! idk if he still is but he had the skill back in the day. shit son! alright so long story short he left in late july to go home.. SERGIO LEFT his last day and he asked me to marry him and that he promised he's be back for me. and i just thought it would be true... about a few weeks after he stopped talking to me for 3 weeks so i gave up trying to get a hold of him cuz i was pissed and his sister would always lie to me... i dated this guy tyler to get his attention... yea.. it worked... but... then it made it an official break up and blaming it on me............ so my plan back fired. i spent the next three months begging him syaing w/e came to mind to get him back... lies... truths... ANYTHING. but never happened. he lied... he wasnt coming back for me. i broke up with tyler cuz he was just a waste of space. i dated this boy named bruce from indiana who i met on myspace... he was my age and we worked out ok but i didnt love him like he loved me... so we had to end it... i felt bad. but it wasnt working. he was toohappy and i was just. there. i still missed sergio . my dad started acting weird. and i started getting snobbier with him. he started hitting me and things got worse. i got a job to show responsability... and i met this guy name bobb smolin. a horse racer... i thought he was pretty gorgeous. in a weird preppy jerk jock way. we hung out and nothing lead to another for once. he was with me through one tough time and after that i guess he realized it would be easy to fuck with my head. and that what he did. id sneak out at 4 am to go pick him up from the bar cuz he was too drunk to drive home. and he wouldnt call me aftwards or anything just beg me to stay and cuddle and when the time came id go to school come home to get yelled at. and id just have no excuse for my dad id just be like "dont aske me you dont understand!!" my dad thought i was doing hxc drugs... but it was just a boy... a stupid boy. who used me just to play with my head. finally his friends told me it was about time to wake up and leave him alone. but he had me locked. pfff.
RAN AWAY my dad and i got into a fight i big one... fist and all. my face was fucked up. i went to tylers. with a bunch a liquor that i bought for the following day. and we drank it all 3 6 pack or smirnoffs and 2 smirnoff vodka bottles.. gone int two days... me him and his friends. i was in demotte indiana and all over!!!! i was doing drugs left and right... all for free. cuz i was homeless. my friends were aweseom there.. always getting fucked up and having plenty to go around. so i would join. i stayed with bruce who would tell me he loved me and missed me and i felt bad. i still thought about sergio. i knew i was hurting bruce by staying with him... so i stayed with his friend patrick and b-dog... patrick was nerdy gangsta cute. i told him he should like me cuz i have probs. and at the time i was just crazy. and everyday i felt it creepin up on me more and more. but i gave in and we had sex. then after he ignored me for two days and i ... well cut myself cuz i felt i was breaking. and he kicked me out cuz i was crazy so i stayed with brandon. a friend of my ex sister in law. and his g.f ya know. that eventually got old and i went back home... i said sorry and i wanted to be better ... so i went to school monday. and i hated it i coudlnt handle it... i didnt want to be there i felt caged and i didnt like it... i didnt want to wait it out i wanted actions now!!
not to mention i didnt talk to linnea anymore we just kinda slipped... again. tuesday i didnt go....sooo my dad said just leave. i said id do anything but go to THAT school. and well. i was out. stayed at dans... and dan and i became closer and him and hope broke up and things got better and we were together i felt bad for hope. i didnt know her and i only heard good things... i never wanted to be a threat to other girls... never cuz i wasnt like that. but... dan..... he just made me feel better. and he took away pain. and here i am everyday... just living it up... lol.
dan and i care so much for eachother. we say i love you... and be goofy and giddy. hes 17 im 18. but idc. his parents are awesome. his sister is 18 and she fucking funny as fucking hell!!!! and his little bro and sis... pff FUUUNNYYY...sometimes his sister michelle though spazs the fuck out!! and im like...........wwwtttffff... she 10 and throws temper tantrums. so annoying but i sometimes calm her down...i think it works...we spend almost pretty much every waking moment together. ya know! our sex... is amazing. lol i mean........... im not lieing... its the best... we do it sometimes... sometimes we dont. lol. i love his friends... even though sometimes we dont get along i try. i really do. i help out and clean. and do his laundry. i jsut need a job. we kiss and flirt and act goofy. we goofy around hxc... like. i try to pick his nose and he'll try to lick my face. we do everything together... i can say ive straightened up too much... cuz we''ve done a lot of new things together. and its been amazing. we always talk about love. and how one day we hope we make ppl jelous. cuz that how we use to look at couples... being jelous cuz they would have something we didnt have... and now we have eachother.
now i talk to linnea too. and ive made other amazing friends like hope.. i got to know her and well we're cool. and megan v is my v. ya know! jessica. alex, and so many otheres ya know! |
