Currently Listening A Collision By David Crowder Band see related

Well I figured it was about that time to update again, but I really wouldn't call it an update of my life so maybe I should say its time for me to ramble on again...that sounds better.  Well I hope you're ready because I've fired up the grill and its time to flamebroil your faces off with what I gots to say.  Let me start off by leaving you with pictures of greatness. 

Oh yes my friends, its Tim the Enchanter from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  Tim the Enchanter is the man.  But wait, there's more.

Oh look at the nice little rabbit, he's so friendly and furry and...

It's the rabbit of doom ripping this guys face off.  Leave it to Monty Python to use a killer rabbit.

Well that's enough picture time for now.  Hopefully you're not scared of rabbits like I am now.  If I ever see a white rabbit, I run far far away because next thing you know, he might be ripping into my face. 

Actually, I do have one more picture...

Do you want to know what this picture represents???  Well let me just give you the quote and then you will understand why on earth I would put up this picture of Random Task from Austin Powers.  "That really hurt! I'm gonna have a lump there, you idiot! Who throws a shoe? Honestly! You fight like a woman!"  That was for the person that I threw a shoe at and hit in the eye.  From now on, you can just call me Random Task.

So here's something that you probably don't know about me.  When I'm really bored, I try and come up with new verses to that "diarrhea song".  I don't know why, but its usually like the first thing that comes into my head.  I even have a pastor's edition as well.  "When you're preaching in the Word, and you're holding back the turds...diarrhea, diarrhea."  "When you're driving out to Sno-Glo, and you feel the brown flow...diarrhea, diarrhea."   But my all time favorite that I made up is "When you're mixing pancake batter and you feel something splatter...diarrhea, diarrhea."  Now, you should come up with your own verses and send them to me so that I can have a chuckle Chuck Norris.

And if you ever want anyone to do bad when they're shooting a basketball, say Chuck Norris and they will most likely miss their shot because of the aura of Chuck Norris entering into the basketball and giving it one of his patented kung-fu kicks so that it doesn't go into the hoop.  Try and see, and then give Chuck Norris and imaginary thumbs up, for it is the universal sign of Chuck Norris.

Well, I think I'm done for now.  Just remember to look out for white rabbits and youth pastors who throw shoes.

I guess I have to start this one by apologizing about saying I would update more frequently if I got some shout outs because obviously, I'm a slacker.  But really the reason I don't update as much is because I'm too sexy for my xanga too sexy for my xanga so sexy yeah.  Well, that's probably creepy for most of you to think about except for my hottie body wifey.  Well anyways, got another great video for you peoples to check out.  This is a personal favorite of mine: http://www.snickers.com/advertising.asp  Oh you know you needs to check out the hilariousness of these three videos.  If you think you have an idea for what snickers should be used for, give me a shout out and let me know.  I would definitely shave my head if someone made me a wig of snickers, that would be beastly.  Speaking of beastly...I saw your mom last night (oh snap).  But seriously, I have a real problem with that fat little beast that thinks he knows about the weather.  That ugly little rodent should be replaced (maybe a snickers can come out of a hole and see if he sees his shadow or not).  And yes I already know I'm going to get eleventy billion your mom jokes about rodents and fat little beasts so let me just end it all by saying that your mom is and ugly little rodent and a fat little beast.  Now that that has been said I can continue.  Jamie, I have to borrow that cow femur when you're done with it because I have got some great ideas of what to do with it.  I can't share them though because the person I want to mess with reads what I write on here and they would not like it and I might not get my dinner so I'll have to tell them to you in person. 

Man, so much greatness has happened since the last time I updated this piece.  We found out that Stevie Wonder can pee better than Wallboy.  I came up with the greatest your mom joke ever (You know what a black hole is? it's your mom at the buffet).  We saw the Butcher in action and Martin Luther King told me he was cheering for Norry.  I learned that getting my gums sliced up so I could get operated on is not a fun thing.  I also learned that any type of surgery before Sno-Glo makes me cranky and highly irritable.  We learned that Wallboy thinks everyone is a cheater who is better than him at something.  I fiugred out that throwing pine cones is not cool because of the sap.  Some of us found out that before World War 2 there were 22 Hitlers in the New York phone book and that after the war they all changed their name to Francis.  Oh so many memories and good times filled with joy and glee.

So I can't promise anything but I may try and update more often but I just have to be in the mood to update.  No matter how hard I try, I could not use this page to tell you about everything that is going on in my life.  I only find that there are certain things that I can write about.  I'm inspired by the ridiculous and by things that make no sense.  I'm kind of like the Aqua Teen Hunger Force.  Why you ask?  It's because the first time you watch it you think its going to be about some cartoon of heroes fighting bad guys and then you watch it and see that it is a milkshake, a meatball, and a bag of fries that do the most pointless things in the world.  This is me, you think the first time you see I have a xanga that I'm going to be using it to let you know about what's going on in my life, but then you read it and see that I just use this page for pointless things that make me chuckle Chuck Norris. 

Well, I think I need to go because my words are running on empty and I need to go to an exxon to get refueled. 

Well I have had an interesting day and so I decided to xanga you fools up.  I know its been a month and probably most of you have given up reading my xanga but I would be much more inspired if you left me comments of widsom when I do write.  But the reason that I am writing is because I have exciting news!!!  It's college part 2 for me!  That's right, I'm going back to school starting in the middle of January.  But oh don't worry my friends for I am not leaving the church, I'll just be commuting the 6 hour drive to Lynchburg, VA every other day.  Actually, no I won't.  I'm taking one class a semester through videos and online tests.  I'd never think of leaving you guys because you're great.  So if I take one class a semester and have 70 credit hours to go, I will be graduating from seminary in only 11 1/2 years.  But actually I'll probably speed up the process once I get more comfortable with it.  Going back to school is a big step for me, but I want to be a good poshy poo poo for you guys too (oh snap that rhymed) so I want to ease back into this school stuff.  In seminary you read a whole lot more than undergrad, and if you ever saw one of these Distance Learning video classes, you may want to poke your eyes out (or I can poke them out for you with my secret bull move).

Speaking of poking someone's eyes out...I had a good week so far.  Started with Monday being a holiday which is always nice.  Slept in like my Jew self (right colombian?).  On Tuesday went to see the two Colombians whoop up on Watsontown.  Saw a girl run into the wall for no apparent reason during the game and had to laugh.  Then in the boys game some joker would drive the lane and then jump, spaz out and hurl the most ridiculous shots...and they would actually go in.  It was insane.  And you know your team must be in the toilet when you're cheering like crazy and you're down by 30 points.  Good times on Wednesday at church with knockout and beating down on the brownies (oh snap I just said that).  Today I got a card from Pastor Cole at the Baseball Hall of Fame.  Apparently, when I used to be black, I was in the Hall of Fame as the greatest Negro League hitter ever.  I have my volleyball church league playoffs tonight and it will be the first time I really test out my knee since my injury.  Looking forward to Sunday because we haven't had a real Sunday night in forever.  And looking forward to the 2 Sno-Glo's I'm going to in the next two weeks.  Hopefully this time I won't get the flu after the first one.  In fact I'm preparing for it this year by taking vitamin C because vitamin C is vitaterrific.  I think I just made up a new word.

Well, I now realize that I've been rambling on about pointless things for a while now so I better go before I sound even more ridiculous than I already have.  I'll be back again same bat time, same bat channel.

Whuddup jokers.  I figured I'd give a fun little message because this last weekend was insane.  It started with the Christmas dinner and sitting with the pyros (there's more pyros out there then just Matt and my wife).  I sat by 4 jr. highers who did more destruction than I could've even imagined.  I'd have to say my favorite destructive moment is when Adam took the sap from the pine cone and put on his fingers to see if he could rip the tablecloth by trying to remove his sticky fingers from it.  He was able to accomplish his goal and was pretty proud of himself.  After all of those entertaining moments, it was time for the roll eating challenge.  First of all Franchise kept on calling them muffins for some weird reason but he put 3 in his mouth and Nate stuck 4 in his mouth and then it all ended because Nate was told by his mom to spit them out.  Based on the roll eating rules that we all should know, you have to completely chew and swallow your rolls for it to count.  Therefore as a result of disqualification, Franchise won the roll eating contest.

But the greatest part of the weekend was the lunch before play practice.  What made it so great was sitting with the butcher himself, Jacob.  He decided that during Sunday School he would say "bite me" to me so I brought the heat when it came to the lunch.  First I told him I would tell his mom and he said that he would probably get grounded so that was hilarious.  But then came the really special time.

"Jacob, how many splinters do you get a game?"

"You got to find some way to toughen up your image so that you will intimidate the other players."

Here were the suggestions:

Poke a hole in a basketball so that when he came out for the game he could deflate it like he was a beast of a man

My contribution--You need to go to the scorers table and tell them that you want to be called the butcher.  Now playing for Sunbury Christian Academy at point guard, Jacob the Butcher.  Oh man that was great.   Plus the fact that the Butcher sort of looks like Bill Walton.  He could be the next Bill Walton but he would have to grow 3 feet, learn how to shoot a ball like a man, and grow out a big red fro.

And now a little message for the wallboy who thinks he is the greatest person ever.  My knee is healing up and I'm coming after you.  I think I'm going to slice off your toe and stick it in some Wendy's chili.  As far as your free agency move from Shik to Sunbury Christian, they just picked up Tim Duncan and Kevin Garnett so they won't be needing you any more.  You can now return to the shadows of Iamnogoodtown and play with the 3rd grade team at Iwishicouldplay ball elementary school.  They might be at your level.  Oh snap, I said it and now I'm done.  Much love for you wallboy, just don't mess with my knee again or someone might find toe in their chili.

I should be an NFL coach and a quarterback because of what I did when we played flag football.  First of all my fantasy points were off the charts.  I threw for over 500 yards, had 20 TD's and only 2 INT's.  Plus, came up with some of the greatest plays ever (Breaking through the gates of Hades, the fake injury, breakout, that weird Z thing, and the cripple quarterback catch).  If any teams are interested, you can talk to my agent.

And now I must leave but I have some good news for you...I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico. 

So I know that all of you will be joyous now that I decided to update.  Last night I watched Seinfeld and Seinfeld makes me happy.  Just a few weeks ago Erica and I introduced Grace Grace shut your face to the wonderful world of Seinfeld.  If you have a favorite Seinfeld episode, tell me what it is so that I too can share in the greatness of that episode.  "No soup for you!"

So after my injury on Saturday I decided that I should probably get a large poster of a human body and use post-it notes to point out all of my injuries that will occur while I am a youth pastor.  So far we have the big knee injury but I'm sure with you peoples like to hurt me that I will be adding to the knee injury in the coming months.  But I dish out the pain too.  There's nothing like pretending you're a bull and accidentally poking someone in the eye.  Or throwing a pass to somebody and watching it bounce off the wall and jack them in the forehead.  If I forgot about any other injuries that I received since becoming youth pastor, please feel free to tell me so that I can put them on my poster when I get it.

So after a few recent events over the past month, there may be a new Cornhusker fan coming out to say hello.  Husker nation bit you and now you got the fever.  Making a Nebraska t-shirt, knowing the capital of Nebraska, rooting for Nebraska over Tim.  That's the making of a new fan.  You can deny it all you want, but every single person has a little Nebraska in them.  How else can you explain that when you bleed, it's red?  That's Nebraska red, we all bleed Nebraska red and you can't deny it.

Well Thanksgiving is coming up in less than a week and I am really excited.  You know what I'm thankful for?  Turkey (only the dark meat), cranberry salad, pumpkin pie, broccoli salad, potato salad, stuffing and whatever else I'll feed my face with this Thursday.  I'm also thankful for...YOUR MOM.  I had to say it because I just know that one of you peoples would have made that a comment to me so I wanted to beat you to the punch.  And since I probably won't update again until after Thanksgiving, let me wish you and your mom a Happy Thanksgiving.  And also Merry Christmas and Happy New Year just in case I don't update for a long time.  Speaking of Christmas, they have some of the Jamie Jamie you're so lamie commercials.  Have you seen the commericals for diamonds and jewelry, they're so terrible.  I have to say that my favorite Christmas commercial is the one that Virgin Moblie cell phones does.  It's so ridiculous but it's golden.  If you've seen it, then I wish you a Merry Christmahanukwanzakah.  If you want to see it check out http://www.chrismahanukwanzakah.com/.  I recommend the Jewish guys or the Hindu Santa.  They are really funny and absolutely insane.  But looking past the craziness of these commercials, don't forget about the real reason for Christmas.  There are so many people out there trying to help us forget that Jesus Christ's birth is the reason we celebrate this holiday.  Don't fall into their trap.  Even something crazy like the christmahanukwanzakah may be funny but it is trying to steer us away from the true message of this season.  Enjoy the commericals as comedy but don't forget that the world is trying to steer us away from why we celebrate.  Christmas time is nice for spending time with family, for getting days off from school, and for getting presents and good food, but Christmas is great because of the hope that came with the birth of Jesus.  Christmas time is great because of the love that Jesus showed for us by giving up His throne in heaven for a manger on earth.  Every day we should be thankful to God that we have already opened up the greatest gift we could ever receive...a relationship with Jesus and eternal life with Him forever in heaven.

Well, I've been so random and I even busted out some Christmas cheer before Thanksgiving is even over.  I probably made no sense at times but it's okay.  Now I'm going to go and make a dreidel out of non-pork meat.  Have a good day.