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Threepoint14
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Name: Brooks
Birthday: 10/30/1987
Interests: American Idol:
see entries 1-infinity
Mikalah Gordon, Gretchen Weiners, Barbra Streisand, Bette Midler, CHER, White Chocolate Reese's, Boot Scootin' Boogey avec the beautimous Mary Katherine Clemons because she's the only one I know who can really dance like there's no tomorrow
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Member Since:
11/1/2003
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| Here we go again...As of tomorrow, it will have been two months since I broke up with Ryan.
WHY AM I STILL SO HUNG UP ON HIM.
I have concluded that I am completely and utterly psycho. I convinced myself that he and Tyler were living in delicious sin, enjoying each other's every moment and laughing at my misery. (Okay, so maybe not that far, but still I convinced myself Ryan was completely over me.)
Next thing I know Ryan and I are reconciling and I convince myself that we're getting back together. Wrong. Even though he said I love you once every thirty seconds that whole day and despite the fact that he insured to me that Tyler meant nothing... we are STILL not back together.
After having raised expectations and wanted to talk to him all the time, he revealed to me that he doesn't want any sort of relationship. Interestingly enough he has been frantically facebook flirting with a guy named Derrick Strunk.
Maybe I'm reading into that, but in the end all I want is honesty. If another guy is the reason he doesn't want to get back together, he should tell me that rather than lying and saying he wants no one. Or maybe he just wants to meet a lot of people and feel desired for a while. Maybe I could benefit from that as well? It's just very hard to do that when I'm still so very much in love.
Either way I see one of two things happening.
1) Ryan will realize that this Derrick guy is stupid and annoying and not nearly as interesting as me (like he did with Tyler... even though it took him almost 3 months to figure that out...)
2) Seeing their PDA of facebook flirting for long enough will wear on me and I will eventually move on and just want what's best for Ryan even if it isn't me....
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| two things to remember
1. he is not calling you because he is over on his minutes
and more importantly
2. he is not calling you because HE IS NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND ANYMORE
why is that so hard for me to understand?
and is attention from him really more important in the long run than focusing on my studio work? No. | | |
| I woke up today missing Ryan more than I have since it all fell apart. I don't know where I'm going anymore. I had all of this purpose... the desire to have fun, be single, and meet people... but that isn't "me". I'm not about going out and being crazy. I'm more about focusing on making other people (and through that, myself) happy. I feel like I ended things with Ryan because he wanted to go out and be single and IM the one doing that, and it feels like he's getting angry with that.
That anger has ended the sweet conversations we were having that kept us both sane and happy. I hope I can get those back. | | |
| Ugh. What do I do.
I know I want to have some fun and move on but the thought of him doing the same is killing me. I guess it's going to take some time to adjust to not being someone's "everything". It just still seems to feel like cheating, even if we're broken up.
I mean I will be the first to admit I'm talking to guys to get that male attention that I took for granted while with Ryan. I'm talking and flirting so I shouldn't be allowed to be jealous.
We are communicating well, but we are ignoring the hot topics. That's the real problem. We are brushing everything under the rug to keep from hurting, but I know that I (at least) am starting to feel that gnawing at me.
I told someone today that I know we will get back together. I said it with such certainty I scared myself. I mean, he may really be over me and never want to come back to me. Until he feels like talking to me about REAL issues I'll never know.
The ball is in his court no matter how I play.
I may be talking to other guys, but none of them create that spark that I felt when I first started talking to Ryan. I miss him. | | |
| and i was doing so well.I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I was going to heal so easily. I had a painless three days. And then Katie tells me that Ryan is actually really sad about our break up. I guess I'd convinced myself that he didn't care, so it was easy to get angry and move on. But now I see that he is human and he did love me and still does. And now I feel like I'm hurting him.
Should I be glad that he's hurting for a change? Should I feel guilty if I am glad about this? Does it matter? I don't know. All of a sudden doubt is back on the radar when I felt only this morning a great deal of purpose. I exercised my way back to a focused lifestyle and worked hard during studio only to be shaken on my way back to my room. I'm tempted to call... to text... something... because suddenly my not contacting him is hurtful when I had convinced myself it was helpful for giving him the space I thought he needed.
So do I call? Does calling hurt me? Who should I be worried about? Yes, he's hurting because I'm not calling, but I'm not calling because he went out and talked to another guy. That still makes me angry. I will never know the nature of their conversations and that may haunt me for a long time. My trust is scarred. | | |
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