ThunderEvermore's Xanga

Sometimes I feel like Superman...

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 03:07:57 GMT

Wow, it's been a long time. Where to begin?

I find myself slipping into my old ways. Like an old pair of socks, while comfortable, it is still time to let them go. It is long overdue for me to let go of what I once felt, how I once acted. I was a depressed kid growing up, always lonely, always afraid. College has certainly changed me, I am far better adapted to being alone, and I am far more sociable, finding that I am not really alone, as I have some incredible friends by my side.

Sadly I still find myself concentrating on one thing; love. I am slipping into a sense of obsession with it. I need to find an equilibrium with myself and learn to be fine when alone. If I don't then I am just going to make messes out of my relationships and my life. It's difficult, however, to shake the old habits. I still need recognition from people. I believe in myself more than I ever did, but I still need corroboration from the people around me, or I find myself in despair, wondering what is wrong with me.

Is there something wrong with me? See? There I go again. As far as I can tell, and as far as the people who know me can attest to, I am a good guy. I am caring and kind, generous and self sacrificing, sometimes to a fault. I find that I give far more than I ever take, and I give selflessly. But is it selfless? Am I just giving so that maybe I will one day finally get something in return? I find myself wondering if I don't just be nice to girls, be friends to them, just so that one day maybe they might have some modicum of feeling for me. I mean, why else would I be able to say "I'm so nice, why don't girls want to date me?" But I know, in my heart, that when I take these actions I am doing it for the good of the people involved. I am a good friend. And maybe that is where my downfall lies?

Maybe it's true. Maybe girls really do like the guy who can be a dick to them. Maybe I'm just too nice to date girls now. Maybe I have to wait until I'm thirty to finally find a girl who can appreciate a kind and generous man? I certainly hope not. But here we are. Here I am wondering why a girl would date a guy who treats her like crap but won't have feelings for a guy who is willing to give her the world if he can find it. In the end all I can do is what I can, and try and make the people I care about happy. And if I succeed in that, I suppose I am a winner after all.

I'm not really alone, of course. I have fantastic friends. My best friend is someone I can truly relate to, even though we have some differing opinions on a lot of things. We are, however, similar at heart, and in mind, and so we get along very very well, even when we're arguing, haha. She is an amazing person, a great listener, a conscious adviser, and a ridiculously cool girl. There are others as well. One, while I rarely get to see her, is a very good friend, and is willing, most times, to listen to my incessant complaining about life and how I'm too afraid to change it. She tends to tell me how it is, however blunt it may be. She makes me feel a warmth of happiness inside when we're together, and while I have felt pain at her hands, be it purposefully or otherwise, she is still one of my dearest friends.

And then there's the group. I find that our relationship has become deeper than it once was in high school. I am more receptive to the thought of telling them my woes and hoping for advice. I also see them a lot more than I once did. We have a TV Night and Anime Night every week, so two nights a week I am with these guys laughing it up watching great television. It's good to be a part of a group again. While being one on one with a person is fantastic, it becomes slightly easier to unwind with a group of people, because you don't necessarily have to be keeping the conversation afloat or keeping the mood light. The work is done as a team, and one liners and finished jokes are flung to and fro. It makes for sitcom worthy experiences sometimes, haha.

There are some, too, that I find might not be as good of friends as I thought, or think. But alas, there is still a friendship there, and while it may be flaky or weak, it is still wonderful to know a great number of people who at times will listen to my droning and give me a night of fun once in a while.

But through all this I still find myself falling. Falling for my old tricks again. Falling for... well, beautiful women who I find to be incredibly attractive, both inside and out. And the key here is inside. In high school I didn't really know girls, I didn't really talk to anyone outside of the group. Now I am friends with, and converse with gorgeous women. They are, first and foremost, my friends, which irks me sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I love my friendships, I love having people who care about me. But once in a while I wish one of them would bud into a real relationship, a love interest. I find myself falling into the role of friend, of brother, without knowing it. And I go from guy to nice guy, and get locked in the friend zone. Meanwhile my feelings flourish because I get to know them better, and I find more and more I like about them. Problem is, I was attracted to them from the beginning, so here I am falling harder, and they merely smile and nod while I subliminally profess my love to them.

What is that anyway? I wonder if I will ever know. I've heard conflicting things. Love is never having to say you're sorry. Love is not being able to live without someone. Love is being able to live without someone if you must give them up for their own happiness. I still don't know which, if any, of these is true. I cannot say with any certainty if I love a woman or not. I can only say that when I see some, my heart lights up and I find myself feeling the word love in the back of my throat, wanting to push through by way of the tongue into the heart of its target. "I love you." It's such a simple phrase but so difficult to say without great reprucussions. It's so disappointing that our society has made it hard to voice the feelings of one person for another. If everyone just let it out and told each other we love each other, the world would be a greater place. Meanwhile, however, we wallow in it, we lay in wait. Is it the right time? Will it be uncomfortable? Is it the right thing to say? Will I lose this person if I tell them? It might not even be a romantic love, but a love for another person who just so wholly lifts you up that you can only describe your appreciation in these words. Alas, I cannot say these words, however much I want to, because if I do I only make matters worse. I only make things worse for myself.

I can only say that when I see you my heart leaps to my throat and I think of but one word. Whether or not that's the right word, whether or not there is a true and factual definition I do not know. All I know is that I feel for you, that I appreciate you with my heart and soul, and I feel that you complete me in ways I never thought possible. I miss you when you're not around, and when you are I am filled with joy. I only want to be near you, always, in all life's adventures. If this is love, then I am in love. If not, then I posit that the previous description, while inadequate, at least attempts at describing the roiling torrent of feeling I have for you in my heart.

These are the things that plague my mind. This is what bubbles in my soul. I am not alone, but I feel it. Why? Becaue I obsess myself with love and its possibilities. And so I see a wonderful, beautiful woman and it pains me to be her friend. This pain, however, pales in comparison to the happiness is gives me to be appreciated and cared about, even if it is as a mere friend. Friends, after all, are our true loves. Friends are what makes our world so great. Not the lovers, but the loved ones.

What any of this meant, I don't know. Chalk it up to a stream of consciousness and we'll leave it at that. In the meanwhile, appreciate the people around you, and tell them you love them if you do. I mean, I can't, because I am afraid, but I'll be thinking it.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 21:07:20 GMT

It's been a good long time since I posted here, or even since I typed an extended message. So if there are typos or misspellings don't blame me.

It's summer again, and what does that mean? Unending loneliness? No no no, MOVIES.

The blockbuster season started off with some huge hits, Spiderman 3, which was phenomenal, although not as good as 2 in terms of plot and character development, opened with the biggest weekend gross in US and international history. Only, a few weeks later, to be ousted by At World's End, the third in the line of Pirates movies. This was the best of the series, and one of my favorites of the summer. The latest in the Die Hard series released as well, modernizing a classic action series, and doing it well. Timothy Olyphant plays bad as bad should be played, and steals the movie with his phenomenal acting. I would see anything this guy is in, believe it. The problem was that he seemed all too distant, as if he were a generalized villain with no background or life. This was not his fault, but the writers fault. This places him second in the Die Hard villains list, right under Alan Rickman (Metatron, voice of God) as Hans Gruber, the evil bastard who got thrown out of a window thanks to, you guessed it, John McClane.

Transformers was the most recent release. Michael Bay directs this masterfully with his trademark sweeping shots and incredible action sequences, all for under 150 million. How he does it, I don't know. All the while he makes the movie seem more epic than existence itself with great graphics, lighting, and those damned camera angles that make me want to well up with action packed epic pride. Fuck yes I want to get into the car, as the gorgeous soundtrack and even more gorgeous costar climb in. They portray the transformers themselves very well, with thousands of moving parts in just one of the giant robots. Peter Cullen reprises his role as Optimus Prime, the leader of the Autobots. I doubt anyone would do it as well as he has done for the past 20 odd years. Megatron however gets taken over by the impressive Hugo Weaving. I didn't really realize it was him, which kind of takes away from the effect, but it's still pretty cool.

Movies aren't all that the summer is about. I just got back from the beach with some mad tannage, and even some sunburn. I got my shoulders pretty bad, they're very discolored and scabbed, but I think I'll survive. Next time, sunblock. While there I did a lot of movie-going, including 1408, starring John Cusack. While it stuck to Stephen King style, that didn't take away from Cusack's amazing acting and the pretty cool albeit mentally twisting plot. The ending seemed all too fitting for the story, and the fake ending in the middle almost made me rip the seat in front of me. To rise those kind of feelings out of an audience, and make even THEM believe the lies that are being told to the main character is phenomenal work by the writers and director.

I bought movies too, haha. But I got some new clothes and shoes. The flea market there was pretty cool, and the mall was nice except it didn't have any good stores. Only ONE Gamestop?! With no DVDs? And only the books a million, no Borders? For shame.

No girls, no stories, just some bowling, eating, and going to see movies with Ry and occasionally Houser.

Time for food, later!

Another post, another quote

"Yippy Kay Aye Mother Fucker!"

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 23:35:02 GMT

I make her laugh,
I make her smile,
I make her happy,
And all the while,

She still wants him,
She doesn't see,
How much I want
Her to be with me.

It's her I want,
It's her I need,
But she'll never see,
She'll never want me.

If you can't run...

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 00:59:43 GMT

I've been thinking. Which I do...often.

Since I was young I've been a fairly upset kid. Lonely, if you will. Am I lonely? I don't know. I have incredible friends, and live, now, a far better life than I have in all my years. High school was a pit for me, a sand trap I couldn't get out of. But here I am, three years out of high school, happier than Ive ever been. Or, at least, I should be. Instead I've gone from content to depression. I delve myself into my lack of a significant other and I hate myself because I don't have one.

I invest too much of myself into finding and wanting a girlfriend. I base my feelings of myself on these things. A girl doesn't like me, I don't like myself. It's not healthy for me, I know, but my heart does that on its own.

How do I change then? How do I find happiness in myself? How do I stop comparing myself to the world? How do I stop thinking so little of myself because a girl just wants to be friends?

I've taken it upon myself to step back from the situation. Take a break from those I hold dear because a less than comfortable situation is effecting me far more than it should. I've reverted, if you will, from my short lived contentment to the sad lonely teenager I once was. My two best friends. They have happiness and troubles with each other and I am so selfish as to take it to be about me. I break inside due to this, and I can't handle thinking about it. So here I am, taking a "break". Shutting myself in. Why? Because I can't handle my best friends trying to be happy? I feel like an asshole. But I need to connect in my brain some how the realization that I don't need to have someone to be happy, nor do I need this specific person.

Basically, I need to be ok alone. No, not alone, with myself, with my friends, with the ones I care about. Can I do that by shutting myself in for a week? I don't know. Should I try? I don't really want to, but here I am.

But why? Why do I desire another so much? Is it because I watch so much TV and movies and find love on every one of them? Is it because I feel like I'm so far behind others when it comes to the progression of relationships? Is it because I've tried and failed and it only spurs me to need to succeed? Is it because my heart was broken early in life and I've never gotten over it?

I don't know.

But I need to love myself.

THAT is what I need.

Not love.

Not her.

I need myself.

How do I find that?

Friday, January 26, 2007

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 21:36:48 GMT

It's amazing, how one day you can feel close to someone, and the very next feel like you're worlds apart. How you can spill the secrets of your world to someone and yet eventually lose touch. No blame between you, just a gradual digression to other things, other lives. You miss them, but you don't do anything. I don't know why not, it'd be perfectly normal. But yeah...

It's kind of amazing that, even though I have grown incredibly as a person, and can talk to people far and wide, I still get nervous around her, speechless. I can't even form words I already have in my head. Those butterflies staid there for a while too. I don't know why.

Life, love, friendship, it's all such an incredible experience. And here I am.

I once wrote pages of these entries, describing my innermost feelings and thoughts. Now I can't think of the words to put down. It's been far too long since I've put fingers to keys with the intention of delving into my mind to create a string of language and eloquence that would illustrate my heart and soul.

All it took was an old friend, a recollection of an experience, and here I am, typing my existence onto a screen, watching a cursor race by as my words and thoughts are put into pixels, and stores as 1's and 0's.

Now I'm being dramatic.

At any rate. Another post, another quote.

Plato's Meno
"Persephone will return to the sun above in the ninth year
the souls of those from whom
she will exact punishment for old miseries,
and from these come noble kings,
mighty in strength and greatest in wisdom,
and for the rest of the time men will call them sacred heroes."

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Sat, 30 Dec 2006 02:14:26 GMT

Wow, its been a while.

Got nothing to say really. Life's per usual. Bored, lonely, and broke.

I need sleep. Too much work.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Sat, 28 Oct 2006 13:16:26 GMT

Wow, I can tell I haven't updated this in a while because the editing has changed again. Man this is some weird wild stuff.

How is everyone doing? I'm ok. School's going well, As and Bs all across the board. I've made some cool friends, although sometimes they get a little taxing. My classes are great, and I think I'm ready for scheduling for next semester.

Let's see...since last we spoke, my music collection has hit 3997 songs. Wow, 3 more and I'll have 4k. Nice.

The Caps are off to a mediocre start of a season. We're 3-2-4. It kind of upsets me watching my team do not so well when I know they can do better.

New layout speaking of which. I've been kind of obsessed with Hockey lately, so I thought Id put up my favorite team.

Yesterday hung out with some peoples and went to the mall, got chinese, and even went to BJ's. It was a blast.

Well, my head hurts and I have a rugby game to get to. So, until next time, this is Winston saying, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 11:12:51 GMT

If you're hungry for a hunk of fat and juicy meat,
Eat my buddy Pumbaa here because he is a treat!
Come on down and dine
On this tasy swine.
All you have to do is stand in line!

Are you achin'?
(Yup yup yup..)
For some bacon?
(Yup yup yup..)
He's a big pig!
You can be a big pig too!

OI!

THEY CALL ME MR. PIG!

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 00:50:33 GMT

First day of college was awesome.

The classes were ok. Calc and Discrete Structures and Speech. Speech kinda sucked. It was in between that was awesome. Hanging out with Matt and Ryan and Group 6 is fun. Tonight I ate in the dining hall and we all went to Sugar Bowl. We just sat there and talked about random stuff. It was the best.

And now Im sappy, excuse me.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 20:20:12 GMT

I have been here before,
But when or how I cannot tell:
I know the grass beyond the door,
The sweet keen smell,
The sighing sound, the lights around the shore.

You have been mine before,
How long ago I may not know:
But just when at that swallow's soar
Your neck turn'd so,
Some veil did fall, I knew it all of yore.

Has this been thus before?
And shall not thus time's eddying flight
Still with our lives our love restore
In death's despite,
And day and night yield one delight once more?

Man I love Sliders.