Currently Reading Farmer Giles of Ham By J.R.R. Tolkien see related

Welcome Back Mace...uh, I mean Tiggan.

Well I am back from my most recent excursion.  the Islands are more or less a load of donkey dung.

In my search for this fountain of youth that Copperfield has claimed to find, I found nothing but a hot spring that heats the chloraplasts in the cells of leaves through entering the stem through the xylem in the leaf veins to the point where it actually simulates the complex processes that take place as the chloraphyll enables photosynthesis to the point where original pigment is restored and the leaf appears as it once did when connected to the tree.  that is all.  no magical pool where one might rejuvinate themselves.  I hopped in there in the name of science and have spent the last week in a burn ward at a remote hospital on Isla Gonzalo.  I would like to see mr. Copperfield hop in that hot spring and come out a younger man. 

carrying on, I have had plenty of time to enjoy reading in the last week.  I have picked up Joan of Arc by Mark Twain (which is actually a term used on boats to mark of a depth of water ("Johnny, mark twain.")).  I have also picked up Tolkien's Farmer Giles of Ham.  also I have begun the arduous process of learning how to obtain valuable resources from the land such as sheep, lumber, bricks, ore, and grain.  I hope to settle down one of these days and live off of the land.  I hope that as I advance in my career field, retirement will pursue me until I am caught and placed on a nice plot of pension and social security.  Thanks Bush.

so long.

T-I-G-G-A-N

What?!?

Quick, tell Juan Ponce De Leon!

David Copperfield (not associated with Charles Dickens) has found the fountain of youth and in turn has purchased four Islands in the southern bahamas.  It allegedly brings dead leaves back to life and he has made  claims that he has hired biologists and geologists who are studying it now to see if it can be ingested safely.  well some say it is a setup for his lastest illusion.  some probably believe him.  my only thought currently is this:  if he claims to be an illusionist (someone who makes the fake look real) how can we believe anything this man has ever said?

well I am preparing a trip to these Islands shortly here and will be reporting back to you sometime soon.  pray that I can uncover this illusionists last prank on tv viewers everywhere.

Tiggan Monkey Out *-*

a little more

well I saw it again.  another person on the internet whose blog profile claims they are a jack of all trades and a master of none.  there is a few people I have known who could honestly say this and a few more who would say it and be speaking rather modestly.  apart from them I think everyone else who has said this on their blog profiles are lying.

apart from this though...

I have been stewing a plan on the back burner for quite some time and it is ready to be served for supper.

high school text books for algebra each have their little bit on the Pythagorean theorum.  what high school student dont know is that the books only use three series of numbers.  so every a^2+b^2=c^2 problem can be solved in seconds if you know the three possible values for a,b,and c.  they are (3,4,5), (5,12,13) and (8,15,17).  these numbers are then used in various ways by increasing them by multiples of 2 so that the first series listed above then looks like: 6, 8, 10.  you can do this by any multiple as long as it is applied to the whole group of numbers.  so if you see a problem with the a and the be given, lets say a=8 and b=15 then we know that the hypotenuse (c) is equal to 17 based on my groupings listed above.  this could make text book authors go back to the drawing board if every high schooler learned these numbers.  they could completely bypass learning the equation and just memorize these three groups of numbers. 

I hope someone in high school (remember I was privately tutored) can assist in my plan.  I would then make millions in selling my copies of text books which are prepared to deal witht the ensuing madness if the youth but learn these numbers.  thank you for your time

-T-I-G-G-A-N-

Currently Reading The Universe in a Nutshell By Stephen William Hawking see related

guess where I have been.

as is my norm, I have been away once again for quite some time.

my latest engagement consisted of what was supposed to be a short stay on the Lord Howe Island off the coast of Australia.  what it turned out to be was an insidious plot to anihilate the poor providence petrel population found only on Lord Howe Island.  This particular petrel proposes many a questions.  It borrows in the ground and after its young hatch, can be found missing (is that an oxi-moron) for weeks at a time.  they make a trip to Antarctica just to feed and then return many days later.  the birds remain safe due to the impossibility of animals of the predator type being able to reach their borrows nestled safely atop mount gower, a dormant volcano.  until now.  the axis of evil has had a plan brewing for quite some time.  France, Dick Chenney and Evel Knievel have been attempting to unleash an unprecidented amount of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere to create a runaway greenhouse effect that would soon render earth helpless to an exponetially excelling greenhouse effect.  that would essentially be bad for us.  

      The axis of evil set up base atop mount gower and proceeded with their acts against humanity and the providence petrel.  I went right to work.  I called up Stephen Hawking and told him to start thinking up potential ways to terraform mars or the moon, just in case I failed.  after I hung up with him I called up leonard Nemoy to find the most logical way to go about putting an end to these dastardly deeds darting towards completion as Evel, France and Dick carried on their illegal activities.  France was being represented by Lionel Jospin as not all of France could attend the get together.  so anyways, Lionel, Evel and Dick carried on their activities by smoking expanded cigaretts by the pack to fill the atmoshpere with CO2 much to the disapproval of the Jewish leader Rabbi Yisrael Meir Kagan. 

Nemoy told me to ascend the mountain and attach a makeshift nicotine patch to the three bad guys, so I hung up on him.  somehow obtaining makeshift nicotine patches without the presence of my dear friend Richard Dean Anderson didnt seem too probable.  SO I came up with a different plan.  I climbed to the top of the mountain and began to sneak towards the borrows of the providence petrel.  I began to find my way using the sophisticated network of tunnels similar to those I dug in the Tora Bora caves.  after much trouble (and much kite string, thank you tom sayer) I found myself under the three evil doers.  I began to make little holes ever so quietly in their paths leading from the smoking spot to the tents.  then I waited.  after a while all three had ran out of cigaretts.  first they sent Dick to the tent to get some more.  on his way down the path his foot got caught in a hole and he broke his ankle.  after he didnt come back, lionel went storming off to scold Dick and get the cigaretts.  he too fell prey to another hole.  Last of all, the great Evel Knievel found himself walking towards the tent to get the cigs and box the ears of his two incompentent counterparts.  the man who could cross snake river canyon (partially anyways) without dying found himself outwitted by a monkey and a barrow hole made by the providence petrel, the rare bird endagered by the evil plan of the axis of evil.  After this I ran to the tent, threw the remaining 20 crates of cigaretts into the ocean ( after sharing one with one of the petrels who just hatched a boy) and tied up the broken ankled bad guys.  I called up Hawking, told him everything was fine and that all I needed was a chopper and some duct tape.

another trip successfully completed by me.  now I know this does not account for all of the time I spent missing but that is none of your business.

have a good day

-Tiggan (heres to you papa petrel.  tell tiggan jr. I said Hi and to keep his eyes on the skies)

In Response to this alleged "student of Chemical Engineering"

Well Oneman, I suppose you know so much with your filthy college education.  I myself was privately tutored under the best our nation could offer.  Economics with former Enron President Jeffrey Skilling, Astro-physics with Hawkins, Paleontology with Michael Crichton, Home making with Stewart, Stove Top Cullinary Specials with Emeril Lagasse, General Ed with Alex Trebek, Logic with Leonard Nemoy, Mathematics with Nash, creative writing with Dave Barry and Jack Handy, epionage with Ludlum and Clancy, and Chemical Engineering with Ned Brainard.  I would like to speak on some of my lessons with Ned.

Some might confuse him with the semi-fictitious main character in the Disney story, "Flubber." He was in fact real and did invent a substance that gains energy when it strikes a hard surface. This discovery followed some of his infamous blackboard scribbling, which was latter copied by John Nash.  in which he reversed a sign, reflecting the dispute between chemists vs. physicists and engineers over whether negative work is done on vs. by the system. Brainard named his discovery Flubber, for "flying rubber."  Disney, in all their perversity, decided that flubber sounded cute and they turned this man's life long research into an apparent sham.  It was flubber that was first used to aid in underwater rescues of entangled dolphins caught in fishermen's nets, and it was flubber that corked a fissure in the mantle that would surely have slowed the planets inner convection and render us subject to mass core cooling which would produce a greenhouse effect in a much shorter period of time.  Ned Brainard is an amazing Chemist and an excellent grill master.  I suggest you get wise and go collect some data on his work Oneman.  Perhaps you could impress your proffessors with some knowledge that you might glean from him.

that is all for now

back to the investigation.