TikimanFiregod's Xanga

Monday, July 07, 2008

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 23:09:18 GMT

It's summer. Bryan is a ghost town and my house, full of people noise and fun during the school year, is empty and quiet.
One would think that this quiet would give me more time to think and write but I haven't written anything in months. The last post on here was about three weeks ago and it only half-way counts as writing something. I keep telling myself I need to get back to writing, that it's good for me, that it will help me feel better, think clearer, and function better, but I have been unable to bring myself to thus far.
Part of it is that I am so tired when I get home from work that I don't feel like getting started on something. Half the time knowing I'm to tired to accomplish anything and part of me afraid that with all the stuff bouncing around in my head I'd mess up an existing story, or get started on something new and be up all night, which is the last thing I need when working ten hours days every day. Partly I'm too tired to put the work in wrestling through a story line or editing old stuff, I work on stuff in my head throughout he day, but I have just can't seem to actually put pen to paper. I'm not sure why.
I've done a fair bit of reading but not what I hoped too, I couldn't for the life of me find my family's copy of Pride and Prejudice and the other books i want I can't yet afford to buy. I hate being broke.
I need to just make myself get back to it.. I need to write out a lot of what I've thought up in the way of stories and essays this summer. I really do need to. I know I need to, I know it's good for me, I know I'll regret it if the whole stinking summer goes by and I wrote nothing before the insanity of school starts.
I need to get in the habit of writing on a regular basis and there is no reason why I can't start that this summer. So that's my goal for this next week, slowly and surely I'm pushing myself to be more self-disciplined A year ago I was far more so, it's a lot easier to be when things aren't so insane, This past year has required a lot of flexibility, something I'm very good at, but I know that forcing myself to be disciplined in my daily routine makes me more efficient and productive, I can always deviate when I need to but if there's no need to then, it's best to stick to the schedule so I don't wast time or leave things to the last minute.

And now I'm rambling so I'll stop.

Brokenness

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 23:43:39 GMT

Aslan spoke to me today.

    "If you desire, oh Son of Adam, to see how true your lineage runs, and how aptly that name befits you, then find yourself a wife. Your wretched state will soon become painfully clear when you yourself bring her sorrow and pain, as you hurt the woman you love through your selfishness and pride."

    I understand my dad so much better these days.

    What's that quote from Lewis? It's either in Out of the Silent planet or Paralandra that Malacandra or Peralandra her self says something along the lines of: "If, oh little one, we thought even the highest and purest of your thoughts our lights would be extinguished."

    I'm starting to see that we're all screwed up, far more than we like to admit. Or perhaps more accurately, far more than we even realize.

Thank you Dad, for always setting a good example. For doing so much right, and letting me see you learn and grow and make things right when you failed.

I AM DONE!!!

Wed, 07 May 2008 23:11:52 GMT

Having finished my last test about two hours ago I am officially done with this semester! Hooray!

I am so glad it all over, it's been a really hellacious semester, but y'know what's weird? I can sit here, and look back on it, and honestly say it was a good semester, hard as hades, but good. I've been pushed, and pulled, and broken eight ways from Sunday this semester, and I have failed to live up to the pressures and responsibilities like I should have. I have failed my professors, my friends and family, and my girlfriend.

But I've also learned so much. When I look back on my actions I can see where I chose wrong, or allowed exhaustion to breed confusion, apathy, and selfishness. I can see where I failed to help my girlfriend, where I was selfish or failed to lead and plan well enough in our relationship; to keep my actions, or inactions, from causing her extra stress, where I put unnecessary pressures on her because of my selfishness or laziness.

At the same time though I feel like I can honestly say I did my best, I fought so hard this semester, it just wasn't good enough. It never is, and never will be. It is by His grace and strength alone that we make it through this life. I cannot speak in words what He has done for me this semester. How He has forced me to rely on Him even more fully. How he has blessed me through friends and family, and through Melanie. So many times when I was completely drained after sickness and/or ministering to family and friends she was there to minister to me. I don't think I would have survived this semester if it weren't for her. Not that I would have committed suicide, I would never do that, but I think I would have been such an emotional and physical wreck I would have had to drop out of college.

Perhaps I overstep my bounds. I will not say God could not have gotten me through it all, just Him and me, but I am inexpressibly thankful that He brought Melanie into my life. Even the extra stress of caring for her while she has been sick has been a blessing: to minister to her and meet her needs has been such a joy. Caring for her has become my greatest source of pleasure and satisfaction.

Y’know what else? I’ve learned a ton academically too. The combination of taking Western Civ II and Brit Lit II at the same time provided me an even deeper sense of the details of history and the gradual flow of it, of the story of the western humanity, of his growth and development. My grasp of history was already deep enough that I never bought or read our textbook and I’ll have an A or B in the class, but I’ve immensely enjoyed seeing more clearly how the events affected the philosophers and writers, and how the philosophers and writers affected the events.

If it’s any sign of what I’ve learned in Advanced Grammar this semester, or any consolation to Dr. Impson, the moment I got on here to type this out I saw how atrociously written my last post was (that’s what I get for writing when exhausted), and became so OCD, I had to fix it right then.

(On a personal note: Dr. Impson, I was parsing sentences in my sleep last night!)

Now begins the summer. This week I will be clearing house, washing clothes, paying bills, seeing returning friends, and saying goodbye to those that are leaving. On Monday I leave for NJ for a week. First I’m taking Mel to meet my Aunt Debbie and my Mimi, and I get to meet her immediate and extended family at her sister’s wedding. On the 19^th we return to Chattanooga long enough to repack and fly to Slovakia. I shall return by the 1^st of June for family vacation, and some much needed sleep.

And then I shall spend the rest of the summer working my tail off because despite how hard I’ve worked this semester it still won’t fall off….maybe I should talk to a doctor about it…

I need to post...

Sat, 03 May 2008 17:11:54 GMT

...but I haven't had the time.

I have had several thoughts for posts: a couple things to rant about, a couple things to share, but I just haven't found the time. I'm almost done with all the work I have to do for school so soon I'll return to the world of xanga, but not quite yet.

Poem

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 17:45:35 GMT

I've been working on this for a few weeks. Feeling it out--no, wrestling it down to paper, trying to make it work and express what I felt. I'm not sure if I'm going to add a third stanza or not, but here it is:

Deep to my soul it clings,

A wordless thought I cannot speak

A heavy tangle of feelings

which I've wrestled for many aweek.

As verbose as I can be,

Still my tongue fails me.

It's not quite depression

That eats and eats away in me:

A pent up frustration

Oh so slowly poisoning me.

It sickens to the bone

as I struggle alone.

Time Management

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 03:06:40 GMT

A friend asked: "Query: Are we, as Christians, required to do our best in everything we do?"

And this was my answer:

"I think that we ought to try to do "our best" but that "our best" doesn't mean our best in everything. We live in a world with responsibilities and consequences and we have to do our best to balance everything out. You can spend tons of time on any one thing, such one of several papers or HW assignments, and do really well on it but that means doing not as good on something else so one most apply the principle of diminishing returns because there is always a certain point where, because of lack of sleep or whatever other reason, that the amount or improvement gained is no longer worth the amount of work put into a project. When you reach that point, or because of time restraints before you even reach that point, you have to say "I've done my best to put good work into this and balance everything out and I only had x amount of time to work on this so I'll trust god with whatever the consequences are." and move on to whatever project is next."

What do you think?

Dreams

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 02:56:14 GMT

    Dreams are funny things and for years I had no idea what to make of them.  Are they are gifts from above? Are they the out workings of my inner thoughts and my subconscious? A pointless amalgamation of the random sensory data my body collects while I sleep? Or the newest theory in the scientific arena: my mind's attempt to process the data piled up in my short term memory and learn from the day's experiences; simply a method of sorting through everything so can my brain can log important stuff away in long term memory and forget the rest?

I have come to the conclusion over the years that sleep is all of the above. At times I have relived the events of the day before and seen them in a new light as I slept. I have dreamt events and conversations that, knowing myself and the people in the dream, never happened but very well could have. When I have been burdened greatly by some thought, prayer, or desire my dreams have given voice to that stress in one way or another. I know that just as my writing often reflects my subconscious and semi-conscious thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, so have my dreams. At times I have been able to label each of these occurrences, each of these uses and purposes for my dreams but several times in my life I have been left wondering, without ever really making up my mind fully, if certain dreams were gifts of spiritual insight that I should heed.  I am always hesitant to assign such divine weight to my dreams but I sometimes wonder if I should be. If my dreams encompass and incorporate all of the physical, mental, emotional, and psychological elements of my life then why not the spiritual too? Though as human beings our need for physical rest is the most obvious reason and purpose for sleep Scripture promises that God will speak to His children in dreams and visions.

    In Scripture God speaks in dreams that seem to be baffling riddles until explained by His chosen servant (Joseph, Daniel, Samuel...) to both kings and peasants alike. Throughout the history of Israel we are told that the men of one family or another, one tribe or another, had dreams and visions or were good at interpreting them. (I have often wondered if there is a distinction there or simply two names for the same thing.) On the other hand God seems to almost always speak to His servants directly. If He doesn't speak vocally to them in their waking hours He speaks to them with spoken clarity in a dream, or sends an angel to vocalize His message in waking or in sleeping. There have been times in my life where I have heard God speak to me with audible clarity. At times I have listened to Him and to my eternal shame at times I have ignored Him. As far as I know the only dream, given to a servant of God, that was allegorical and thus left open for interpretation was Joseph's dream about the twelve sheaves of wheat and sun, moon, and the twelve stars bowing before him. The only other time I can think of where the recipient of the message is confused as to its origin and meaning is when a very young Samuel hears God calling his name and thinks that it is Eli and Eli tells him, until the third time, he is dreaming.

These two events give me encouragement and frustration at the same time. They leave me wondering if God is speaking to me subtly and even directly but I am missing it. They encourage me that perhaps I am right when I think there is more to a dream, that I should take the spiritual hints, or obvious overtones, in it very seriously.  And yet since I lack the overwhelming conviction that I have recieved a message from the Lord that is seen in almost all of the Biblical occurances I, perhaps like Eli, can't help but wonder if it really was "just a dream" and if I should "go back to sleep".

    I wish I knew for sure whether there was more to a dream or not. I wish there was some authority I could turn to, but almost everyone I have ever heard talk about dreams and visions was either completely naturalistic about it, ended their discourse sounding as vague and undecided as I already felt, or sounded like a complete nut that based their beliefs off personal feeling and not scriptural evidence. Maybe I’ll ask some of the Bible professors here. I really respect several of them for how well they have thought through all the various ways to interpret things even if I disagree with them on exactly what they choose to believe. I guess aside from asking them, my parents, and pastor, the only thing to do is what I always end up having to do, wrestle it out for myself: search the scriptures and ask the Lord for answers.

Please Pray For the Hargraves

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 16:57:36 GMT

Samuel Hargraves Died in a car wreck early Sunday morning.

Please lift their family up n your prayers.

I'm Taken

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 06:04:30 GMT

I want you all to meet my girlfriend Melanie!

Melanie and I are now officially a couple since we talked to her parents earlier today/yesterday! I really can't tell you how excited I am cause she's pretty much amazing!

BJ is gone...

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 15:51:00 GMT

...and I 'm depressed.

As I sit here staring at Rob's computer screen typing this up I can't help but to keep glancing up at the gaping hole that is the door to BJ's now empty room. As Melanie and I waved good bye to him yesterday it was sad and I knew he was gone, but it didn't really hit me that he was gone until I got back from class last night. To walk up the porch and not hear his jovial "Hey!" or to exchange our familiar "Yo!" "Yo!" and to know that things will never be the same here again was rather surreal.
I always knew, of course, that our time at this school, at this house, would end eventually I just didn't expect it to be so soon, or so, abrupt. Two years is a long time to live together and I've got to say: "I really miss you bro! Things just aren't going to be the same without you here."