I poured my whole heart into a letter for Anthony...telling him exactly how I've been feeling for the past month or more.  The response was as expected: 

"I love it.  It's beautiful.  I'm truly honored, but I have to be honest with you.  I don't want a girlfriend right now.  I have too much to worry about with my career, LA, and my music.  I don't want to go into a relationship and not be able to give my whole heart, and I don't think I'd be able to do that with my schedule.  You don't deserve me being a half assed boyfriend.  I love you, but I think being friends is better...that way we don't fight, and it's a deeper relationship."

Damnit! He's so nice about hurting me like this all the time.  I am so freakin in love with the boy and I can't do a thing about it because he "wants to stay single."  grr...

This shit just makes me wanna cry because I already gave him my whole heart, but he says he can't give me his.  And, I can't take any of it back.  Fuck!  And it's not like I can just stop liking him like I could with any other guy.    I'm stuck in my current rut till he decides he wants to go out, or he does something outrageous that makes me hate him...(which won't happen, cause of course he's so god damned perfect) Why does the sweetest guy I've ever met have to be like this?  Because it's me we're talking about here.  Nothing ever goes my way.  And of course, it never will because the fucking whores get what they want, while I get stuck with whatever happens to come along...I mean, I meet the guy of my dreams and of course he has no interest in me (surprise, surprise).

I'll always be the friend, the matchmaker, and the advice giver...never the girlfriend

Has no one ever thought about what that shit does to me after awhile?  Of course they haven't because they're too busy asking me how to get the whores to fuck them...

It gets so old being on the sidelines all the time...Once, just once, I'd like to get prince charming...God, can't I get a break?

I'm sitting at home being completely and utterly unproductive...despite the fact that I have tons of school work to do yet.  Boo school!!! Yuck! lol....I really do hate school...I don't know exactly what particular aspect of it disgusts me most.  I'm pretty sure it might be the fact that Anthony's not there...   lol.  I have serious attachment issues...what happens when he leaves for LA? ...damn California, why does it have to be the whole way across the country? I can't even think about it right now...the whole thing just depresses me.  Not really anything to write today...but, I guess you could say no news is good news... visit the band's site, check out the pics, and sign the guestbook pretty pwease! http://www.geocities.com/solace1020

Love,

Jessica

Happy 2004!!!  I spent my New Year's Eve at some church in Palmyra.  Anthony's band played a concert there. 

Anthony kicked ass on drums, Jared's singing was hott, Andy was awesome on bass, and Gareth totally rocked on guitar...He even played with his teeth!    They rocked my socks! lol.  I took a bunch of concert pics with my new digital camera...all the pics I took are on the band's site...http://www.geocities.com/solace1020, and most of the pics on there are by me!  Check out my pictures pwease!!! lol

All the little 12 year olds from this youth group were like the fan club for the band...they were soo annoying! But, I think they were really jealous that Ashley and I get Jared and Anthony...hehehe...making girls jealous...always a plus!  But, they might be setting their sights on Gareth now...he's short and looks about 12 lol.

God, I love those guys...they're so fun...especially Jared, since he totally wants me to go out with Anthony...can't argue there. lol 

That's about all the news I've got so far....band practice Sunday!!! yay I can't wait till then...Much love!

Jessica

Merry Christmas! Omg I feel so spoiled now cause I got such a shitload of presents.  First, from my mama I got this tiny digital camera...and it's awesome...and my dad got me a photo printer to go with it...now if that wasn't enough, dad also got me an MP3 player...and a whole bunch of other shit...you know, that little shit that's just there.  lol.  I feel like a conceited littel brat...I got so many presents...It was a really good Christmas...and not because of the presents...nobody fought...you know, there's usually at least one fight within the family...but not this year.  Not even any tension.  I guess everybody just got sick of all the pissing and moaning and finally just decided to celebrate the holiday with each other.  YAYA!!! lol.  I'm playing with my camera and printer...doing action shots, stills, and playing with black and white/color/antique on the pics.  Way fun! lol. 

Hope your holiday was as good as mine!

Love, Jess

P.S. Happy 16th Birthday Allen Whisler!

Spent yesterday at Anthony's house for band practice.  Way fun spending the afternoon with the boys.  Jared, Andy, and Gareth are just like my brothers now.  Ahh I love those guys...they're so funny.  I drew this awesome picture of a guitar while I was there and gave it to Anthony cause he wasn't in the best of spirits.  I'm pretty sure it cheered him up.  He wouldn't let me get him a christmas present, so I wrote him a poem!  I think he'll really like it.  Some of my best work in my opinion.  He wanted to get me a present though.  I can't let him get me something for christmas and not get him something in return.  It's just not right.  Gym class is getting really boring.  I can't just sit there being a gimp much longer...I wanna play! lol.  Today I finished  "Absolute Zero" in gym though.  At least I can get something accomplished.  I'm beginning to get bored outta my mind.  No gym has it's definite upside (not dressing or having to worry about taking all my jewelry off), but it's so boring just sitting there the whole period (especially during volleyball).  Why couldn't this have happened during squaredancing?!    lol.  Well, next Sunday is another band practice...and I'm gonna take my new digital camera (christmas present I'm not supposed to know about  ) and do some band pictures...cause the current ones were done with Anthony's dad's camera phone and they aren't that good.  But I really wanna sing right now.  I don't know the songs yet, but man I wanna learn!  It's so hard just sitting there while they play the songs and have all the fun.  Ugh!  lol.  Lemme sing guys!!! lol

Well, I'm off like a prom dress. 

Love,

Jessica Lynn