| june 23rd"and im a little pissed at you for taking away the one thing that can make me feel better"
Because I can't say it to his face.
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| june 17thYawn.
today was.. interesting? yah. well yesterday now.
The boy came over and we hung out and went for a walk. We spent nearly an hour sitting just talking about that little demon floating above my head. He made me show him wrist, which wasn't that bad. And I showed him my leg and ankle, which also aren't. But.. he took my razorblades and is gonna take my pills.
It's.. weird. 'cause right now I don't think I need them.
So I don't really mind.
He threw the blades out in the trash outside. Which was sorta hard to watch. I dunno. I don't think he quite gets how much I feel like i have to hide this.
He's had family experience with it too though. so i can understand why hes so worried.
he really cares about me. it feels weird.
the rest of the day we watched movies and he kept kissing me, which was nice.
this whole thing is nice. it feels.. supportive. i havent done anything for a few weeks but still. its nice :P
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| july 15thalmost 16th.
i told him today. because he thinks he loves me and i thought it would change that.
he wants me to stop. he wants me to show him so he doesnt worry that its too bad.
but he doesnt hate me.
he told me his cousin used to.
i dont want him to worry but he is and i hate it.
tomorrow hes gonna come to get an xray with me. after his exam.
im skipping out on the therapy thing.
the only reason i really want him to go is so i can see him.
i didnt get to today.
i dont like not seeing him.
ive gotten over the phone call earlier. im gonna call him back when i get the guts but not right now.
thatll be fun to explain.
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| july 15thkill me.
i cant feel this way about him.
i'm not with him i never will be.
why did he have to call me? why did i have to hear his voice?
the point of this?
the guy that i used to be obsessed with called a little while ago. we used to date but i broke up with him because.. well because im a dumbass.
it feels like i still really like him. but i really cant. so.. why did he call anyway? i dont know. we havent talked much at all in the last year or two. life is complicated for both of us and it just hasnt worked. the whole talking thing.
im gonna call him back.
the boy may be pissed about that. wanna know why? because he knows im scared of phones. but im willing to deal with it to talk to my ex? nice, eh?
i wish my head didnt feel so complicated right now.
its overthinking.
it always over thinks.
im gonna call him.
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| june 14th part 2Well today was.. I don't even know.
at the mall i was with the boy for just a little while alone. and in that little while he pulled my wristband up and.. i dont know if he saw anything. im gonna talk to him about it on im when i get the chance..
but. he was fooling around and pointed to some scratches on my arm from my dog and was like 'whats that!' and i told him then he pulled my wristband up and was like 'whats that!' and then said he was just kidding. i didnt really freak cause my wristband is so tight around my wrist it makes it all wrinkly and i can barely see the scars except a few. but if he did see anything..i dont know. he enver brought it up. i want him to know though. but if he knows he might try to convince me to go to this therapy appointment on mondya that i desperately want to get out of. im so sick of all that bs.
ARG i hate life.
he also tried buying me a kickass but $15 hat. i told him no. he wants to buy me things and i dont know why. ive grown up in a family with nothing. its weird. i dont know how to react when people buy methings or compliment me. i know thats pretty stupid.
the next half of the day we hung out with one of our friends. it was okay. she liked him before i started dating him though so its complicated. ive thought a lot that he chose me just cause im older and he thinks thats hot and ill do more, but he hasnt dumped me yet.
then we went to dinner with his mum and i ate way too much. it sucked. but he was harassing me all day to eat and wouldnt let me just get a salad so i got a salad and something else and ate a few hot wings and had a smoothie. i ate maybe half, probably less, but it was enough to make me feel sick.
he felt worse. poor boy had a tummy ache all night.
ARG. i just want to yell at him 'KISS ME' cause ill never make the first move. just kiss me dammit! i want you to kiss me. and not just when i leave. just bloody kiss me D:<
so we laid around and watched tv the rest of the night till i left and he finally kissed me -.-
That was my night. im worried as hell about this whole wrist thing though. weve been going out for a month. its actually been a month today. it feels too soon to tell him something like this but i dont want him to find out six months from now or something when he decides 'hm lets do it ;D' and then dump me for it. id rather him do it now before im too attached.
which i already am.
which is pretty sad in its own way.
damn. i really like him. im so scared to lose him.
i dont know what to do anymore.
One a side note.
blue__opal you're amazing for always commenting <3 I know I never comment back but I always read and look forward to them. thank you so much.
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