So has the world formed an alliance against me? It damn sure feels like it.
I'm sure that within every person's life, everyone has felt the same. That at some point it's like everything that could go wrong, goes wrong. And when you're at the end of your rope and can't take anymore, something else bad happens to tip you over the edge and really try and make you lose all sanity.
I have one year left.
I'm not looking forward to it, because there's a lot of work involved, I know I'll be stressed more than I've ever been and afterwards I'll still have to find a job completely unrelated to what I've worked so hard for and probably have to go back to school and get my master's. All the same, every year financial aid comes up with something else that tries to bar me from going to school. One fucking year left, and now I might not be able to finish because of a lack of money and financial aid, not to mention I don't have a place to stay either seeing as how I can't afford my apartment any longer nor will I have money for food, necessities, etc. Yeah. Starting the year off right.

My job is the complication I'm worried least about, although I do wish that everything works out because I need money desperately. If I need money why spend it? Because at this point material things are the only things keeping me here, quite frankly. Books, movies, video games, music and art keep me occupied and slightly pleased. They are entertaining. They distract me, let me escape for a few hours or whatever from my shitty little life. [My life isn't as bad as it could be, and for that I'm extremely thankful, at the same time, it's far from where I'd like it to be and all of these inconveniences and setbacks and stress factors and piss offs, are really starting to piss me the hell off!!!!!] Life doesn't need to be this complicated or upsetting. It really doesn't. Because you can handle something, doesn't mean you should have to. You can live if you get shot in the leg, I'm not about to go shoot myself in the leg though just because I'll live through it.

I'm sick and tired of dealing with my ex-landlord. I'm sick and tired of people playing with my money and of me never having enough of it. I'm sick and tired of not having health insurance, of being in school, of dealing with other people's problems. I'm sick and tired of being alone, of feeling empty, of being in love with him still... I'm really quite over that, those feelings ned to be obliterated and erased from time forever. I'm tired of him in general. There are just too many problems at the moment to go through them all, and I'm just tired. I'm sick and tired of being alive. I'm only twenty-three years old and I'm quite ready for everything to just be over. I'm done. I'm a quitter, so the fuck what? I'm sick and tired. In my twenty-three years I've seen people go from bad to worse, I've seen people try and fail. Every time something good happens, twenty bad things take its place. Even if everything miraculously works itself out somehow (which I seriously doubt because things don't happen like that for me), then even worse things will eventually occur (sooner rather than later - that's always the case). What is the point? Seriously, what is the point? There isn't one, it's pointless and I'm sick and tired of it...

FYI: I am in no way suicidal, I just really would like everything to end. I would never kill myself, but sometimes that sounds like a wonderful alternative. Selfish, quitting and lacking in grace and elegance, taking the easy way out, it still has appeal, but it's something I would never do. Even at rock bottom, I like myself too much for that. Quite arrogant and conceited of me, but if you don't love yourself, no one else will. Of course even if you do love yourself, chances are slim that anyone else will. All you have in life is yourself. Very lonely indeed.

   

I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!

I think sometimes I may actually take life itself for granted. You're not guaranteed tomorrow, or even the next five minutes, but I rarely think that anything could happen and that I'll never not be here. I know death is inevitable for everyone, but it just seems so far away at times. It's not until you almost get into an accident, or someone you know passes that you actually stop and think, wow, that could've been me. It's something I'm working on though. I want to live each day like it could be my last, do everything to the best of my ability and have a blast while doing it, lol!

Acquiring a job can be a very difficult thing indeed.
I now have a job. I've technically been employed since May 21, 2008. I still have yet to be paid, but since the job is in Washington D.C., and I reside in Baltimore, it requires a bit of traveling. I've been back and forth to D.C. about five times since then and this past week we all went down to the camp in St. Mary's, MD to get things ready. I'm exhausted. Physically and definitely mentally. All of my coworkers are pretty cool, though a few are a little annoying, I can't tolerate a lack of common sense and stupidity, it irks me to no end, but I deal with it, you kind of have to if you live in the world.

Anyway, I just really want to get paid, I seriously need the money. I need to renew my passport, get a permit (finally - no more procrastination) and register for Otakon (YAYNESS!!! ^_____^) and acquire the rest of my costume (for Otakon). Other than that I'll be saving my funds except for a few essential books (Faefever by Karen Moning, Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer, Vampire Kisses vol. 2, Me and my Brothers vol. 3, Translucent vol. 4, Gothic Sports vols. 1 and 4 and i.n.v.u. vol 5) and a new camera/camcorder because pictures and video footage is important (to me anyway).

I've been coughing, kind of a lot recently. It's like a constant tickling in the back of my throat, but I'm not sick and it's not sinuses or anything like that. Actually, I don't know what it is, but I won't be able to find out anytime soon. Hopefully it goes away on its own fairly quickly. It's very important in this world to have insurance of all kinds, but especially health and auto. I really need to get on that. Until such a time that I have it though, I'll just drink water and tea and hope for the best ^____^