Currently Listening Complicated / I Don't Give / Why By Avril Lavigne see related

- Complicated

"I suppose I do have one unembarrassed passion. I want to know what it feels like to care about something passionately."

I used to be so enthusiastic about everything. I could have the most boring professor in the world, but I'd still motivate myself to be interested in the subject matter because...well, I found it interesting.

Now I'm not intrigued by anything anymore it seems. I don't feel I like anything enough to pursue it as a career, and I find almost all of the lectures I attend dull. I'm at the Hopkins Marine Station for two reasons: To relax, and to take classes that interest me.

My first goal has been acheived fairly well. I'm only taking two classes: Plants, Ecology and Evolution for 5 units and Experimental Neurobiology for 12 units. The latter I'm taking on a Pass/Fail basis. I have lots of time to catch up on sleep, read books, work on my screenwriting, watch lots of TV/movies, cook and just regain my sanity.

But nothing seems to fascinate me anymore. Through my freshman year, I was interested in so much--organic chem, writing, statistics. But since this past summer I've seem to lost so much of that passion I once had and now I'm just trudging along through my major like everyone else. I don't have any goals or motivation in life, no summer internships, none of that stuff I should be participating in. Oh, and I'm single. Yay

Well, I c/t blame myself entirely--I mean a lot of ecology stuff is boring, but I just c/t figure out where I lost the drive I had. Maybe it's time to switch majors--oh, wait, no, I'm like 15 units away from finishing my current one.

I miss a lot of my friends from high school and a handful of people from back on campus. *sigh* I miss NYC and being a kid and not having to worry or think about all this stuff like money, health and careers...

Currently Listening This Love By Maroon 5 see related

I don’t even know where to begin…

For the longest time I have not felt well. I have persistent headaches, I have tried medication after medication after medication and nothing works. I have had MRIs done, and there is nothing that they can find that causes this. I wake up to nosebleeds and my arms shaking in the morning, and I’m scared beyond belief that something is seriously wrong with me. I’ve gotten checked up time after time with no conclusive results. I can’t concentrate on my work and I feel my memory slipping more and more as time goes on. Like really slipping. I jumble my sentences frequently and switch words around when I speak and when I write. I have no ambition to study or be anything anymore. Everyone looking for internships, jobs, thinking about their future. My plan is to graduate, join the peace corps., and delay making any real decisions for a while.

I owe my dentist A LOT of money. And I’ve only begun to get the painful work that I need to get done. They don’t bill my insurance properly, and then I get stuck with a $3000 bill that I shouldn’t even have to pay because they feel it necessary to rip off a college student. I have no money, I work a minimum wage job that has begun to stress me out beyond belief. I woke up with an ear infection this morning, so I try to go to doctor, but naturally nothing is open on the weekend. I can’t even get to somewhere to pick up a prescription because I have no car. It takes me two hours to go to the dentist by public transportation each way. It ends up that I have no free time, even though I’m not taking that many classes.

My head is throbbing in pain. I’m sick of people who are too focused on their schoolwork and their grades. People who have no idea how to appreciate life and enjoy it while they can, who place too much value on things that don’t really matter. Who don’t do their work efficiently and therefore spend their entire weekends writing the first page of a paper. I asked 38 people to play Frisbee with me today for fifteen minutes; not one even cared. People who are so focused on their future that they can’t live for the present. I hate people who take themselves too seriously, who make issues out of everything, whether it be political or personal. I’m sick of people who say they’ll be somewhere and don’t have enough respect or compassion for you to actually show up. For the millionth time in a row. I’m sick of having friends that just don’t care, that only care when it’s convenient for them to. I hate people who make me hate myself. I hate myself. I hate being hateful.

My head is still throbbing. And through it all, I have no one; it’s as simple as that. I’m all alone out here. More and more I feel like I’m losing my grip on reality. I have nobody to genuinely look out for me and take care of me. I’m scared. I don’t think I can do this anymore. I don’t belong here. I think I need to return home where I can talk to people who do care about me, who aren’t too busy to listen. I think I need to leave and not come back.

Currently Listening My Humps By Black Eyed Peas see related

Polish Duckling: sally, i'm sick
DrthSdi0us: oh no!!
DrthSdi0us: I must be too--I've listened to "My Humps" like ten times tonight
Polish Duckling: OH MY GOD
Polish Duckling: was it you i said i had that stuck in my head?
Polish Duckling: or are you me and don just the same person
Polish Duckling: lol
Polish Duckling: because i had told someonethat i get that song stuck in my head every once in a while
DrthSdi0us: we are
DrthSdi0us: lol
Polish Duckling: but i don't remember who
DrthSdi0us: not me
DrthSdi0us: I just know I hate it
DrthSdi0us: but it's addictive
Polish Duckling: and then thenext day i was on the phone with don and he started playing it
Polish Duckling: I KNOW
Polish Duckling: lol
DrthSdi0us: except I don't have it downloaded
DrthSdi0us: so
Polish Duckling: msn videos?
DrthSdi0us: yeah
Polish Duckling: YAY we're the same
DrthSdi0us: so I have these skank girls
Polish Duckling: lol
DrthSdi0us: dancing in the background of my computer
Polish Duckling: LOL
Polish Duckling: and your mom is throwing a party

Polish Duckling: but it's so funny
DrthSdi0us: IT IS
Polish Duckling: "lovely lady lumps"
Polish Duckling: come on

Polish Duckling: ugh now i'm going to go watch the video again
Polish Duckling: thanks
Polish Duckling: a lot lol

More to come later on my sad, sad life, including new years resolutions that I have no intention to keep.

--EDIT--

I'd also just like to add how utterly ridiculous it is that this kid has been in national news for two weeks because he went to Iraq unexpectedly.

http://aolsvc.news.aol.com/news/article.adp?id=20051229230809990008&ncid=NWS00010000000001

Currently Listening Chicago: Music From the Miramax Motion Picture By Various Artists see related

# 1 I promise from now on to not ignore the xanga site and will update at the very least once a week so I can bitch and moan here.

# 2 Enjoying my break a lot, it's relaxing and I'm getting lots of the random shit done that I need to (mostly overdue credit card and dental bills). Slept 'til 6 pm the other day =D. Life is good actually, besides being in debt, classes are good, got my own room for next quarter, love my job, simultaneously excited to be home and to go back to school

# 3 So I'm in the shower earlier today and as I'm being sexy and washing my hair, I look at the bottle of pantene and see that it says in bold yellow letters "NOW WITH AMINO PROTEINS."

I'm thinking to myself "this is such bullshit, your hair is dead, and your scalp ain't absorbing anything, what the hell is the point of putting proteins in shampoo?"

Then I start thinking about why it says amino proteins--all proteins have amino acids in them, otherwise they're not proteins, so what's the point of calling it an "amino protein," which is not only redundant but also incomplete. If they just wrote "With proteins" on the bottle would people begin to think that you could eat shampoo or perhaps realize how there is no point in adding proteins to shampoo because the idea of it is retarded. Naturally, they couldn't write "with amino acid proteins," cause then everyone would think their head would catch on fire the second they poured the shampoo on it. So, they settled for amino proteins so that they could sound scientific enough to allure people into believing that this product is anything but hygienic. Therefore, this world is bullshit. QED

This isn't a recent realization or anything, but I'm really just bored with the transit workers strike and all.

Along the lines of bullshit, anyone want to tell me what this essay prompt means for my scholarship application:

"A mind is like a parachute...it only functions when open."--Anonymous

I'm not sure if it'd be better to write about why it's important to be open-minded as in accepting or if it's referring more to exploring different academic fields...

Currently Playing Smile Paradise (Limited Edition) By Smile.Dk see related

- Butterfly

Hey all!

Long time no update...

So,  good news and bad news, as always.

This past week was hell because of midterms and my reporting job, so I've been looking forward to this upcoming week for a while because # 1 My b-day, # 2 less work, so I figured I could take it easy and enjoy it a bit...

Naturally, I'm not meant to be happy as I came down with the flu yesterday.  But that's okay (I guess?) Better than getting it during midterms. 

Friends threw me a surprise party on Friday, featuring a Disney princess collection cake (which I did not understand the significance of until they pointed it out to me).  We then proceeded to dance (badly) to DDR music, but it was all in good fun...

I have two additional cakes waiting for me in the freezer to be eaten up...and another one of my friends made me some hysterical cookies in the shape of cyclohexane conformations...

Anyway, it's now 4:49 a.m. on Valentine's Day...I got up because it's impossible to sleep when I can't breathe and you could fry an omelette on top of my forehead.  I got up earlier to see if anyone was up, and all my friends are crowded into a room that I'm denied access from, so I'm looking forward to something else, possibly? (haha, these guys are spoiling me a lot)

Well, here's to the best that this week can be given the circumstances.  Gotta go shave and shower so I'm not a totally gross piece of snot on my b-day.  Also, in preparation for the girls' rollout where all the guys get up at the crack of dawn and roll out the girls in the room corresponding to ours on the second floor to wish them a happy v-day and just to annoy them...

Hoping that I don't throw up while interviewing the provost today,

Sal