don't know what to do... can't sleep well. just panicky and worried.... a little bit pushy...

just a couple more days and mom goes in her surgery.... she's suppose to be fasting... can't eat anything and can only drink shakes or water...... she can't walk without holding on to anything..... she's been getting sick.... and I got home all worried about her *I have a written at work... next is a decision day... yep already had the talk...* and see her holding a blizzard saying *oh she caught me*... like it's nothing but a fucking joke.... any surgery can kill you and not to be taken lightly... I made sure I was off for that day just for her to act like it's nothing but a fucking game... sorry for the language but I don't know.... I don't want to be in this house anymore.. .I can't take it. I need out.... but I have no money to get out... all the money I have goes to gas and bills... barely any money to even feed me... woohoo for only being able to feed oneself a ramen noodle every day while someone else is able to go out and have a blizzard when she isn't suppose to. and all I get is "well mary kay says it will be alright" Mary kay is just their damn sister and a nurse *ex surgeon*... not their doctor.... she doesn't know my mom's health history so why is she know the oh so wise nurse.

my plans for the weekend... not come home and just drink myself to sleep... sounds like a good idea for now... isn't it lovely... using alcohol an escape from reality. who the heck cares anyway.... eh... well  actually I probably won't follow through on that because I only know one person that I can go to the house and that is my ex... yes I know he is probably reading this... but I don't think getting drunk and spending the night at his house is a good idea... so maybe I'll drink... just enough to forget about what is going on right now. I don't really want to be sober until it's over.

and it's moments like these that I feel that it wouldn't matter, or have any effect on the world, if I existed or not.

I'm home again and want to go back to Florida... so beautiful there. took 5 cameras for pictures.... now I need to develop them. I was going to take a digital camera but I would of killed myself for losing it. I lost my cell phone so my plans are since I still have Darren's old cell that I purchased for him... I'm going to reactivate that one. so therefore it won't cost my any money.

Went to Universal Studios wasn't able to see everything... but we did get the express passes which basically means there is no waiting in the long lines. Went on the cruise to Bahamas. There I went snorkeling over the coral reef and then we had an all you can eat buffet plus a couple of bars where you can order any alcoholic beverage and not pay a penny for... also spent some time at the beach there. Interesting island.

then went back to Fort Lauderdale... listened to their talks of Time Share... I ended up buying one myself. I purchased a big studio *lowest maintenance and other charges (affordable)* that they were trying to sell to me for $25,000 for one week..... I talked them down to 3 weeks for only $5,000 and it's near the beach with own privacy and heated pools that change neon colors. I do have to cross the road to get there but it isn't a far walk to the beach. inside the studio has everything from pots and pans. dishes. microwave. dishwasher. and stove. *no oven though but oh well*. the most awesome thing is I don't have to spend time in the studio... I can exchange for higher room or different resort at cheap price. I'll have to pay hotel even if I stay in the studio but it's not much compared to hotels... and it's much better than a hotel, it's a resort. and there is only one charge per whole week instead of day. all resorts for me will be less than $200 *which is $198 for out of country*. Pretty nice. Also the deal never expires... and when I die I can pass it down to my kids. Aren't deeds fun. Best thing of all, no matter what, prices never change. anyway enough of that.

I was kind of sad I didn't get any Jacuzzi time. but the outside pool that we were at was a heated pool so in a way it was like a Jacuzzi you can swim in.

I also enjoyed the Jungle queen took some pictures of that. all you can eat ribs, barb q chicken, and shrimp.first time I've had to shell my own shrimp. took us through lots of nice buildings of the rich and famous. just owning a lot in the section we were at was 5 million dollors.... just the land... not including the house.

We were upset about the bad things that happened though. Ramada has horrible service. they give you a seat. you grab your own food. they ask you what you would like to drink... give you a drink... then after eating awhile they give you a bill without giving refills for drinks or asking how things are going. took many pictures of the first Ramada because it was painted nicely inside. upgraded the car for a PT Cruiser instead of the Kia Rio. and when we got to the car they gave us the Kia even though on the credit card we were already charged for the Cruiser. upgraded the room in the boat because my mom was on the cruise before and knew how small the cabins were... they told us it would most definitely  be a bigger room, it was the same size with a little port hole *plus more noise because we were closer to the engine. The upgrade to be near the beach was well worth it... unfortunately didn't have time... but I did in the Bahamas. but the service was much better than the Ramada and we had steak.


and biggest complaint of them all. was the American Airlines. first time using it they gave my mom a hard time with her knee brace... they made her take it off *they said it was either her taking it off or they would have to do a lot of serious paper work*. so she took it off... we got to our seats all right. My first time flying so my ears kept popping *which hurt a lot and I couldn't hear well.* then when we got there our luggage was lost and stayed in Wichita. so we had no clothes the first day. we were too worried to do anything. Our luggage did come in at 6 am. and coming back, 500 planes were canceled... so lots of people were trying to figure out what was going on... and they had horrible communication. they made us go to the luggage claims to pick up our luggage when it was decided for them to keep our luggage stuck in a plane. and then more planes kept getting canceled so the lines became long for rerouting... when we finally just walked up to an associate and asked what we should do *got tired of waiting behind approximately 500 people. they told us to go back to the terminal. so had to go through security again where they can reroute us somewhere since we were only in Texas and mom had doctors appointments today... and couldn't wait. if we weren't told wrong we would of went straight there to get rerouted and took and earlier flight to Oklahoma City were we just have dad pick us up. or get a rental car when we both only had 3 hours of sleep and was up since 3:30 am and the airlines wasn't going to pay for rental cars. so instead we had to wait for a bus. that was suppose to leave at 8:30... didn't get there until 9:30. so in the end didn't get home until the sun started to rise a bit. I told dad I would try to help him but I kept passing out. couldn't keep eyes open. luggage isn't going to be here until about 6 pm.. but they are to deliver it to our house. 

basically I never had chance to sleep in... I had to get up for something early every day. even on the boat last day... had to get up at 5 am. the first day had to get up at least by 6.

well I think I mentioned ever thing except I had a lovely wardrobe *malfunction* at the air port... at least there was only one guy... near my age... and cute. ^-^

sad news today... one of my favorite Customer Service Managers died... . It's definitely not the same as it used to  be at work... the funeral is tomorrow and we were told if we want to go we can. so I plan on going... if it wasn't for her I'd be terminated trying to search for a new work place.... She has fought for me so much... she died of cancer....

Another one of my managers might also die.... he had a virus enter into his liver system and spread through other organs such as the heart.... he did get better to the point where they let him out but then it struck him again... .

also this Monday my only surviving grandparent is going through surgery... I don't know what for... I really think it's kind of best for me not to know... I'm just so afraid of losing my grandma too.

So I guess I'll just pray for them all and keep them in my prayers.

Good news to brighten things out *a little*... Lelani's 21st b-day was fun... we did get kicked out of 2 bars... lol. but over all it was fun.... and Lelani, we well get extremely drunk and not get kicked out next time... and if we do we will have back up... and all have IDs and no minors with us.

also vacation in less than 2 weeks... who knows I might now want to come back.

also other news I'm not sure is good or not... I'm thinking about moving out... to my own place... not sure if I want to stay in Kansas or not and it's no guarantee that I will move... just staying here is starting to make me depressed.