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Toxxxic19
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Name: Angela
Country: United States
State: Washington
Metro: Seattle
Birthday: 7/22/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: My interests as of now are... M-O-V-I-N-G... moving!!!!!! *smile* I want to see my people again! So send some moving vibes my way! Moving... moving... moving.... moving... yeah!
Expertise: Well... I've moved a lot so I'm good at that! *lol* But really... my expertise... being me! I'm wonderful at that! I mean come on... who else better to be me... than me? ME! *wink*
*~*DONT BE JEALOUS*~*
Message: message me
AIM:  ToxicBubble19
MSN: ToxicBubblez
Yahoo:  ToxicBubble19
Member Since:
5/13/2004
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| :::::::Notice:::::::
Ok.... need to let you all know what's going on with my xanga. I am having to put all my posts on "protected" because a person from my past has found me and everything online about me and I need all my stuff on here to be private now. I have over a year of posts on here so I am working on blocking them all. Brock, Shoujo, Absolout (sorry I spelled it wrong).... as soon as I figure all this protected stuff out I will add you all to my protected list so you can read my posts. I'm leaving this one publis so any one who comes on here will be ableto read it and know what's going on. If you want to read my posts or are on my sub. list and want to read them again just e-mail me and let me know.... toxicbubble19@yahoo.com I'll add you once you let me know. So yeah... I'm not trying to ignore any one.... I just have to figure out what to do about this... maybe a new xanga *tears.. crying* I dunno. I'll worry about that later. But yeah... that's all. Thanks. -Me- | | |
| My skin feels weird. One part on my arm felt like there were cold drops of water falling on it. I touched it and started to try and get the water off but there wasn't any water. *lol* It's weird when that shit happens.
I've been listening to Eminem a lot again. Only to a few songs though... and only at certain times. Whenever I need to zone out. Something weird about his voice. Subliminal shit in there 2. I'm in the middle of my head. But not like that one time in the hospital. The doctor gave me the wrong shot and I had a reaction to it. haha. I started feeling like I was sinking into the middle of my brain and I couldn't get out. At one part I could see myself.. I was only 1 inch tall and I was being strapped into a chair. There were these little alien people coming towards me with needles. I couldn't get out of the chair. hmm... I still remember that. But anywayz... yeah... it took a little bit but it wore off and I was back to normal. Whatever normal is with me.
I had a new idea. I'm thinking about flying to go see Kim or something like that. This will sound very weird coming from me but... I actually miss the south. They always say... you can take the girl out of the south but you cant take the south out of the girl. I never knew that was true until just recently. Don't get me wrong... I love the city! I've always loved the city. And right now I'm having fun getting to see Seattle. There are sssooooo many different types of people here. And I mean... come on, Kurt lived here! And sadly died here as well. But I want to live somewhere that has the city and the country. I'm bipolar! I always want both. *lol* Well not always... with my ice cream I only want mint chocolate chip. *grin* haha. Well at that I'm going to go. Night for now. Peace not War! Bush is a moron! (Love you always...  ) | | |
| Hi again. It's 3:43PM... Kim just called and woke me up. Shes verrrrry excited! I've been helping her with this modeling stuff she wants to do. See, shes always wanted to be a model but every one told her she would never be able to... but I see now reason why she couldn't! She beautiful! So I started buidling her a modeling website and posted the link on a Florida site thats looking for models. I also got her an e-mail account that I can go into and check for her. She ended up getting a lot of people that wanted to work with her... some freaks... others seemed pretty normal. haha... and of course the foot model guy. But anywayz... today some guy called her and hes serious about working with her so shes gonna go for it. I'm verrrry proud of her! My Kim! A model! hehe. Blah........ I'm gonna go for now. I'm feeling all sleepy from my meds. (Love you always... ) | | |
| - How Long Will They Mourn Me Hey... as of right now Im feeling a little better. Ian isn't here right now, it's 12:24PM. Hes on his way back here with Daniel. I'm not so thrilled but hey... not much I can do about it. Daniel is currently the closest person. Yeah. Anywayz. I talked to Brock tonight. That cheered me up. Sadly I had to explain the whole.. this is how Ian and I met thing... yikes! Ians back. Oh good, Daniel didn't come in! haha. I don't like him. But back to talking to Brock... oh yeah... I talked to Kim 2! And I was telling Brock about Kim saying I shouldn't be that mad... if mad at all... at Ian! aaahhhh! Thats fucked up. I have a right to be mad! He was trying to hide it from me. Meaning even he thought there was something wrong with it! So it isn't just me it's even him! ahhhh ha! *lol* This is why I journal... I get it out here and then seem to be totally normal to every one around me. Maybe I should just not journal for like... 3 months! haha... I would be completely insane at that point. oooooooooo.......... Daniel is calling! asshole. hehe... I told him to just not answer it. Great... I'm smart. Now this freak is going to come in and shoot me. oh well... if thats how I go thats how I go. Buuuttt..... anywayz! I'm gonna get going. Peace Not War! (Love you always... )
Y'all don't hear me though
I'm trying hard to make amends
But I'm losing all my muthafuckin friends
(damn)
They should've shot me when I was born
Now I'm trapped in the muthafuckin' storm
How long will they mourn me? -Tupac
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| Shit. My life. Damn. Well here it is... my latest bit of drama. I talked to Ian yesterday about how I have been feeling about our relationship and I thought that things were going ok and that maybe he understood where I was coming from. But then lastnight I was going to sleep and Ian was on his bed on the internet and he thought I was already asleep... but I wasn't. So I just looked over to see what he was doing and I noticed that when I would move my leg or whatever he woul click off the website he was on... well duh that made me wonder what he was looking at. Seeing as how he was on the laptop I could see clearly what he was looking at so I had to kind of move over a little and when I did.. I saw it... other girls. Yup.. he was at it again. So I just sat there watching him look at girls in hardly anything... him thinking I was resting peacfully... but I wasn't. My heart dropped, my whole body got this umb feeling, my mind started to race, and then I just sat up and said "so... how long have you been doing this?". He looked over at me like a fucking deer in headlights. His face turned red and then he just spit out "um... um.... just for a few seconds... I swear... I swear to God." And I said.... "you fucking liar... I've been watching you... and you're going to swear to God? What's wrong with you? And you're doing this shit again?". He tried to lie again but finally just came clean and told me hes been doing this for a while now and also looking at porn sites. I went insane.. I had already had a horrible day and get this part... when I asked why he told me... "because we don't do anything anymore". AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I freaked out on that part. I told him... "HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU SAY THAT TO ME? That's the same shit my dad pulled on my mom! And come on Ian.... I have a fucking disease... I could die.... why would I want to do anything with you?" So this is my plan to help him understand how I feel.... when he gets home today... Im going to ask him to stand in front of me... legs slightly apart.. then I'm kicking him in the balls and right after I'm going to ask... "Sooo... now would you like a blow job?" Then maybe he'll understand. I live in constant pain right now... until I do something about this it's just how it is.... but get real. Don't blame me for your actions. Ya know? I mean.... hello.... have a little self control! I also told him God was going to strike him down and send him straight to the deepest pit of hell for wearing a cross around his neck and then oing this crap to me. UGH! I'm kind of happy this happened but I'm also really upset. I'm happy because I feel a little bit of freedom to make whatever choice I want to make and maybe this opens a new door for me.... or re opens an old one.... who knows. But either way..... I'm trying to just make it thru this. See.... I have always felt that God sent me to Ian to help him and to save him from the life he was in. My name does mean "Messenger of God". I know a lot of people don't believe in God... but hey... to each their own. I'm not forcing what I believe on any one. I choose to believe in God because I need something to have faith in, something to turn to when I have nothing else. God is the most logical reason for my being here and I find it to be a very lonely life without having a creator... a Father. I kept trying to figure out why He made us though and that was driving me insane. So I was at church a few nights back and I was talking to the youth pastor and his wife (they're awesome). Well anywayz... I was having a really hard night, just dealing with not having a dad now and finding out about my sisters cancer and all that and we were just sitting there talking about where God came from and all the stuff every one wonders abut being a Christian. So I asked why He made us. I told them that I thought it was kind of wrong for Him to make us and that I felt like He made us so that he would have some one to love Him and that was mean of Him because now we have to live here in this hell hole and thats screwed up. Then Dan (the youth pastor) said "well isn't he your father?" And I said yes... then he said so he is your parent.... and you're his child. Then he said... "why do parents have children? Do they have them so that they will have some one to love them? Or do they have them because they have love to give and want some one to give it to?" Then it clicked. There is a place in The Bible that says "God is love". So obviously he made us so that he could use some of his love. Now I know there are still things that don't add up.... like why is there a hell.... why is there cancer.. and so on.... but I actually have answers for all that. Who knows... maybe I believe in God to keep me busy answering al the worlds questions! *lol* Na. I kow why I believe in Him.... I can feel Him. And plus I've seen His Angels! Ahhhh! I'll go now. Think I'm gonna watch Shrek 2 with mom and try to stay as sedated as possible for now. (Love you always.... ) | | |
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