| i think by now, most people have either unsubscribed me or have stop bothering to check my xanga. mainly because i haven't written in her in a while. but tonight, i actually felt compelled to say something. to actually write down some thoughts that have been building up in my mind.
for starters, i think i've come to realize that i'm a catalyst for controversy. more importantly, it involves the way i portray myself. it's almost as if everywhere i go, i need to justify my actions, or even clarify why i did that, or why i didn't do that. i wonder if its even possible for a person to not have people dislike him, or even say negative things behind his back.
lately i've begun to realize how important God is to me. i mean, i've been brought up knowing that God is important and that He has purpose for everything. but now i'm beginning to be confused as to what God has in store. on one side, there's a reason why this happened, but at the same time, am i letting this happen because God wants it to happen or because i'm wanting this to happen? i've seen the signs and yet i find myself ignoring them, even telling myself they aren't from Him, it's all in my mind. but now i'm beginning to think that it's not true anymore.
i recently had a chance to talk with a sister in a very similar situation, and i think to myself, "could that be me?" am i walking myself into a disaster waiting to happen? Does God want this disaster to happen on purpose so that i will learn something, or is this disaster just something that's in my own head and i should just let God take the wheel.
i want to write coherently and have my thoughts organized but right now all i can do is write down things that keep popping in my head. for example, when will i actually get to open that amazing restaurant?
or whatever happened to that really expensive fish that i once called my own?
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