| How to Lose (and win back) a Girl in 10 daysor "How to ask a Senior to the Valentines Dance"
So there I was, hangin' out at the superbowl party in Nash watchin the game with all my people. My friend Jennifer pinkerton sits down next to me. About fifteen minutes into the third quarter she takes out her phone to receive a call. After the call is done, Jennifer places her phone on the desk. I proceeded to abscond with it to another room, where I took a rather alluring photograph of myself (see below)
Now I thought this would be the end of it. Haha jensen. Move on with our lives.
I got back to my room several hours later to find this scandalous email from the offended party. (this was not just in my inbox, but ASE (all student email)'ed out for all to see.
Mr. Jensen Near:
Firstly, it is ungentlemanly to steal a young lady’s phone.
However, if you must steal it, you should at least do so in such a way so that she is unaware of your thievery.
Secondly, do you not think that it is extremely conceited to put a photo of you on her cell phone background?
However, if you must add a photo, you should avoid looking like you just swallowed eight ounces of pure lemon juice.
Thirdly, changing her phone’s banner message is tacky.
However, if this is absolutely necessary, please avoid adding the words “Be Mine,” even if the Valentine’s Dance is coming up.
Finally, I stress the importance of not stealing the cell phone in the first place.
However, if you must steal it, you should at least sneak it back to her in a less obvious way.
So, Mr. Near, you have many lessons to learn in the art of getting Jennifer Pinkerton’s attention. Perhaps you should take some tips from Jordan Spencer.
Miss Manners
(side note Jordan Spencer is a buddy of mine who proposed to her randomly last semester...she ended up pranking him by staging a wedding at our talent show and calling him out...very funny stuff)
So I had to defend myself right? right.
And so delivered this to her inbox
Dear Miss Pinkerton,
Upon reading your letter, I could not help but agree that I
am guilty. Guilty of what however is a question I would
debate.
You have accused me of being a callous, ungentlemanly, and
tacky knave. Publicly.
I feel some defense of myself, or at the very least,
clarification of what I am guilty of, is in order.
I am guilty of a clumsy attempt to win at the very most some
glimmer of your affection and at the very least, the honor
of escorting you to the aforementioned holiday dance.
In convicting me of these crimes consider the following:
First, the charms and allure of an intelligent and
attractive female member of the Senior class have often
been too much for the average freshman male to resist.
Second, although there is much clamor among the female
population for men who are communicative and honest, there
seems to be much criticism ready for those who attempt to be
such!
Third, consider perhaps, the possibility that aformentioned
clumsiness in the deeds done was a phenomenon that occurred
for two reasons: 1. because the gentleman's nerves and
therefore coordination may have been interrupted and impeded
by the palpitations of his trembling heart and 2. perhaps
the embarrasing lack of dexterity could be the young
gentleman's only way to communicate that he would rather
lose his dignity with a faux pas than do a lady the dishonor
of hiding his aforementioned affections.
Fourth, if admonition were necessary, wouldn't it be better
to follow the biblical standards claimed by said lady, as
well as the educational establishment she attends? Consider
the words of Matthew 18:15, "If your brother sins, go and
show him his fault in private;" An ASE is hardly a private
means of communication.
Fifth, as for the aforementioned advice-taking from Mr.
Spencer, I have not at this time asked your father for your
hand, and am not prepared to do so, and as such it would be
quite improper to follow the methods of that gentleman.
Finally, in closing, all I can say is I'm sorry for any
undue grief I may have caused by my actions.
However I cannot apologize for the aforementioned heart
palpitations, as they were neither sought nor intended.
You have my apology, and also (if you so desire) a free
ticket to the upcoming dance.
Yours sincerely and humbly,
Jensen D. Near
To which she replied (privately)
"In
such cases as this, it is, I believe, the established mode to express a
sense of obligation for the sentiments avowed, however unequally they
may be returned. It is natural that obligation should be felt, and if I
could feel gratitude, I would now thank you. But I cannot—I have never
desired your good opinion, and you have certainly bestowed it most
unwillingly. I am sorry to have occasioned pain to any one. It has been
most unconsciously done, however, and I hope will be of short duration.
The feelings which, you tell me, have long prevented the acknowledgment
of your regard, can have little difficulty in overcoming it after this
explanation."
["Lizzie Bennett" in Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen.]
I
must add to your offences against me. Besides being callous,
ungentlemanly, and a tacky knave, you are a flattering cowardly
hypocrite and potentially a hypochondriac.
You
speak flattering words as though they were bubbles, blowing in the wind
and gracefully reflecting the sunlight. However, the innocent and
beautiful turns quickly sour as they strike me with vengeance and turn
out to be not spheres of pleasure, but balls of ice; balls of ice not
because of their impact, but because of their intention.
The coward in you takes the throne as you hypocritically point out Matthew 18 without abiding to it yourself.
If
these reasons were not enough for me to decline your invitation without
any hesitancy, your potentially chronic illness is also reason for you
not to attend this Saturday's dance. H
eart
palpitations, you see, could be a sign of a chronic illness which may
be worsened by exercise. I suggest avoiding the dance and contacting a
specialist immediately; this area is known to have many respected
physicians.
Yours truly,
Jennifer Pinkerton
And so it was time for the final volley:
"O, she misused me past the endurance of a
block! ...huddling jest upon jest with such impossible
conveyance upon me that I stood like a man at a mark, with a
whole army shooting at me. She speaks poniards, and every
word stabs...."-Benedict from William Shakespeare's Much Ado
About Nothing.
My Dear Jennifer,
I was somewhat shocked at the vitriol apparent in your
response. As to your accusation of cowardice, I suggest that
were I such as you accused, I would have disengaged from
this discussion as early as possible. As I still have the
fortitude to pursue this conversation, I hope that you might
concede that I am not shirking my duty to you (nor the
audience you forced upon the earlier conversation) to
address the charges so bitterly laid against me.
What flattery has passed? There is no question that the
allure of a more mature woman is very strong to any sensible
young man. There is no doubt in my mind as to any of what I
have said. You may deny finding yourself attractive and
intelligent member of your sex, but I shall not. You are
intelligent and certainly not unattractive in the least.
This is a compliment, and no twisting of my words will yield
another motive or intent. And as for the clumsiness in your
presence, any young gentleman can tell you tales of, (and
will often exhibit) this experience in the presence of a
beautiful woman.
Hypocrisy? My dear Miss Pinkerton, would you be so cruel as
to suggest that were I brought to court by a bitter accuser,
it would be indecorous of me to defend myself in that arena?
I have not escalated this conflict, and have in both this
response and my earlier correspondense respected the arena
in which you have addressed me.
As for my health, I thank you for your inquiry and
suggestions, but I assure you my respiratory, aside from
some shortness of breath and the occasional skip of a
heartbeat in your presence, is in quite exceptional working
order. My frequent escapades on the football and ultimate
fields have certainly proved this. I was, have been, and
remain quite capable and willing to escort you to the dance,
and as a man of my word, my offer stands.
I have dealt with the charges, and I believe disarmed them
to the best of my abilities. I have but one more thing to
say:
Concerning your words, I must plead with you to cease such
bitter marring words, as Proverbs contends, "A constant
dripping on a day of steady rain, and a contentious woman
are alike" (Prov. 27:15). Return to the graceful utterances
of a lady, as proverbs adjures you, "She opens her mouth in
wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue"
(Prov. 31:25).
Sincerely and Humbly Yours,
Jensen D. Near
So what was the result you ask?
I got a date to the Valentines dance.
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