| | It's Not All About You. (or Me)Say it again, out loud. It's something we all have to remember as mid-terms, paper season, and finals approach. And school schedules are just the beginning; real life is upon us.
I've recently been convicted (more often than I'd like to admit) of being insensitive, oblivious, or just plain stupid. As somebody who talks alot that's to be expected, and it's something I'm very conscious and careful of (believe it or not).
These convictions have varied in the crimes committed and the gravity of the situation, but each time I constantly seem to be looking back, asking "What did I do wrong?" All too often the answer comes back: "Nothing inherantly wrong...but...." Never before has a conjunction struck such fear into my heart. I try to squirm and argue my way out of whatever accusation is leveled against me, but generally I end up faced with the truth: I messed up. Again. As these situations keep coming up, I keep having to learn the most difficult, yet simple lesson of love: It's not all about me.
I was talking to a friend today and I discovered a simple, yet none too obvious concept: it doesn't matter what the words in your head are, or which particular soundwaves you choose to send across the air between you and somebody's ears, it matters how those words strike that persons ears. In other words if I hurt someone with my mouth, the problem was not necessarily with word choice, syntax, tone, or grammar; the problem was in translation.
You can't fix their ears. Trust me. I've tried to explain to someone why what I said didn't offend them, and to date I have never succeeded. It doesn't matter how well meaning I am, how consistently I speak in a certain manner, or anything like that. People will always take you wrong, because the words you speak still have to get past their ears. As my friend said today, "they will hear not what you said, but what they want to hear." Sometimes that means they will want to exercise their sense of injustice at a bad time; it happens. Proverbs gives us a great--not to mention hilarious--picture of this principle: "If a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse." Is it wrong to bless your neighbor? Not at all; the point is that you pay attention to where your brother or sister is when you speak to them. Be sensitive to people and choose your words accordingly.
Now comes the other side of the situation: Give people a break. Don't take yourself so seriously. Try to hear what they're meaning, not simply what they're saying. Just as much as the talker owes the hearer sensitivity, the hearer owes the speaker the benefit of the doubt. Be aware of yourself; what your issues are; where your sorespots are. Just as a speaker should be sensitive of their hearer's touchy issues, the hearer's responsibility is to be aware of their own sensitivity and not read in to something that isn't there.
To be a good friend, we must know ourselves and know our friends. If we were always forgiving and charitable in listening and in speech, there would be alot less miscommunication and hurt in relationships. Think deeper than you think you need to so that you don't accidentally vomit your own issues on an innocent bystander. Remember this: people aren't generally just "out to get you", we''re just selfish.
My good friend Pascal said it the best: "One must have deeper motives and judge everything accordingly, but go on talking like an ordinary person."
Don't simply act deep or think deeply, love deeply.
It's not about you.
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| | Posted 2/24/2007 5:15 PM - 57 views - 10 comments
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