Trigger821's Xanga

WHY?!

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 04:31:40 GMT

Explain to me WHY:

-a sorry excuse of a man...scumbag of the earth who don't know just how LUCKY he is! can possibly cheated on the girl I have been waiting to meet my whole life. I don't understand this! Why do guys like THAT get the girl I could only dream to be with and would cherish for the all the days of my life?? It infuriates me! I am not saying I am a great person, I say a lot of stupid things and can be incredibly silly at times but one thing I would NEVER do is cheat in a relationship...and yet fools who don't know a lick about commitment gets the girl...WHY?!?!?!

friend, huh?

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 20:28:21 GMT

I don’t know how many times I had heard this already…”let’s be friend”. She really does have the sweetest smile ever and a personality that I really admire. We got together for lunch today and we “talked”. First I apologized to her if I was making her feel uncomfortable but she said no that I wasn’t making her feel uncomfortable. Then I told her that I like her and she told me that she wants to be friend. (even though I kind of saw it coming…it still wasn’t easy to swallow) she said it’s not because of me (which I would like to believe but somehow I can’t help but feel maybe there was something I have done wrong…) but that she just got out of a long term relationship (which I know about) and is not ready to be close to anyone...that she would just shut down. I told her I understand and that I don’t want to push her for a relationship neither, but just want to tell her how I feel about her.

On one side it really hurts to hear “let’s be friend”…again, on the other hand I think I understand where she is coming from and she doesn’t hate me…so I guess I should be grateful. But I am getting tired of this…this roller coaster ride…having my hope goes up and down at 80mph is making me weary. Right now I just want to step away from the whole dating/relationship scene…I don’t want to like anyone right now. I think it’ll be good for me too…maybe if this friendship work out, there might still be hope for me if I wait for her.

Now I got to put up a front and keep a smile on even though I am being eaten alive in the inside cause we work together and if I look depressed then that’s going to affect her and make her feel bad…and I don’t want her to feel bad neither…ahhh…

*Edit
we are both putting on a mask...it's so dishonest...I hate it...

This is how my life works...

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 05:03:59 GMT

She makes me feel glad, disappointed, happy, sad, at ease, nervous, awkward, distracted, mesmerized, afraid, self-conscious, creative, lost, determined, high, down, hopeful, hopeless all at the same time. It sounds impossible but I do feel all of that when I see her and all those feelings minus a few when I don’t see her. Breathing becomes very hard. I lost my smile…I don’t know what she thinks of me…I am a mess now…My heart is heavy…sinking…

I want to see her so very much and see her smiles (and she has such a sweet sweet smile), but at the time I kind of don't want to see her because I would just freeze in front of her and make things awkward…I would lose myself and I can't focus, but when I don't get to see her I feel ill at ease and down.

There are so many things I want to ask her, so many things I want to know about her…like what make her smile, what make her laugh, what make her angry, what make her sad…but then I would freeze up and all I can do it stare at her which make things REALLY awkward even for me. She’s avoiding eye contact with me (it's like being stab in the heart...), but then she would reply to my text message.(she doesn't hate me?)

If anything, I am more miserable now than when I don’t have anyone I really like, but yet I want this so much…why do I prefer this kind of relationship rather than the smooth fun easy going relationship…what is it about being miserable for liking a girl that I want to give my all? I think it’s because from the bottom of my heart I know it’s honest even if I have to be miserable compare to faking feeling for someone so I can just have some fun. I want something real…I faked feeling for someone before thinking that it will eventually become real…then it never did.

So much for the make-over. Got the hair cut…it’s neat alright, but ultra dorky and ugly…my grandma probably looks better than me and she’s like 85+. It’s so ironic that just when it matters the most and I want to look my best and put my best foot forward, I ended looking my worst and trip on my feet and fall forward, but then when I could care less it’s the opposite. It’ll probably take at least a month before I look like a decent human being again…at least in the meantime I can save money on shampoo and gel…if she can see pass this…she’s definitely a keeper.

Older women….

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 05:05:11 GMT

One thing I learned is that just because you're older it doesn't mean you're more mature…so I don't think that's one of the reason why I am attracted to older women. I think the few reasons I like older women are…

Of all the qualities I value in a woman, I can easily say honesty is #1 on the chart and older women tend to be more honest and straight forward with their thoughts and feelings…they don't beat around the bushes when there is something on their minds…I try to be as honest as possible and I really like it when other people can do that for me too.

they are more understanding, it probably have to be do with the fact they're older and have more experiences in life. I feel the older girls are more liable to spend a little more time to get to know me first before they make a conclusion about me…I am not saying I am complicated…if anything open book is a pretty accurate term to describe me…but still…without trying understand what my intentions are you won't be able to get the whole picture of the person that I am and for reasons I am not all aware of…most of older women does a great job of trying to understand me.

No game. I am 27 yrs old so the older women I know of is in range of 30-35…they don't play game…they know what they want and I feel a little more secure seeing that majority of the older women tend to calm down more than the younger women…not partying all the times, hopping from relationship to relationship to seek thrill and excitement. I want commitment and growth…but it's not something I can accomplish on my own no matter how hard I try…the girl has to want the same thing too. Bottom line, I want someone to settle down with and and a lot older girls want the same thing too (the ones I know).

When you're pretty no matter how old you get (ok ok, let's cap it at 40 yrs), you're still pretty. There's just something intoxicating about older pretty women…they're not just cute anymore…they have reached a new height of grace and beauty. (and this girl I like…well, she makes me feel as light as air when she smiled at me….ahhh...)

I am very playful when I am allowed to be, so I need someone to help balance the scale. With older women, more so than not they're a bit more serious than I am, but that's just perfect. I provide the youthfulness that she missed having and I stayed grounded because of her influences.

but then again, age doesn't really matter to me anymore (unless you're 10 yrs younger or older then me). I just have more favorable experiences with older women...that's why I have a slight preference for them.

On another note: Make-over…just a little bit

I was told I need a make-over because I need to step up my game since the woman I like from work is older than me, she might want someone who doesn't look too much younger than her. (especially since I already look younger than my actual age right now) At first I was like no way, I don't need a make over. I am happy the way I am and my clothes are comfortable (cause I dont have to buy new ones), but then my friend offered to help so I accepted her help.

My friend took me shopping on Sunday and few other friends came along and let me just say one thing…I have never spent $38 on a t-shirt before but in hope of improving my chances with this girl I stopped looking at the price tags and bought whatever that my friend said I should get...there is a dent in my wallet now...

The make-over list:
clothings
haircut (I have straight hair...what should I do with it??)

should I post a before and after picture??

In two weeks…

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 19:44:43 GMT

Some people want an easy going relationship with little stress where everything is smooth sailing, but not me. I was in a relationship before where I didn’t feel anything not seeing the girl for a week and I didn’t feel the slightest jealousy when she was being friendly with other guys, when I was with her I can be the calmest person. I was a gentleman to her and because I was able to remain collected I can be witty with her and make her laugh. I guess she liked me for these things, but that’s not what I want in a relationship.

----------------------------------------------

It’ll be another 2 weeks before I’ll get to see her again cause she’s on a business trip and when she gets back I’ll be gone for a bit. I realized why I was such a wreck before it was because I was afraid to speak my mind…afraid to say the wrong thing…afraid I might scare to her away, but in the end I am just drifting farther away from the person that I am usually…the person who got her attention in beginning for being the regular me. I am going to do things my way and what feel natural to me…which is being open and honest with my thoughts, but at the same time letting her know that I don’t want to rush her…I simply just want to let her know where I am coming from and let her set the pace she is comfortable with moving at. I have decided to set my mind on her and until she either accept me or reject me, I am going to wait on her and only her. In the meantime, I just need to channel my energy on something else so that I don’t explode while I waiting on her. I am going to pick up my guitar again…nothing else fuel the needs to strum those strings than a blue lonely heart in my opinion…that’s how I first learned to play the guitar…because of my first heartbreak…so if I get really heartbroken again then I can use that pain to level up on my guitar skill. It’s better than find another girl to rebound on I think…the only side-effect that I can’t really do anything about is I usually lose any kind of appetite when I am feeling down…some people eat when they’re depressed while I tend to strive for the skeleton look CAUSE it just SO appealing….*yah…*

lost for words....

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 19:55:51 GMT

The date lasted for 1 hour and 44 minutes. It was short, but not very sweet. I think a stupid rock was more interesting than I was…way to go aaron…what a perfect day to pick to be less interesting than a bag of rocks. I was so nervous that I couldn’t keep a conversation going…there was a lot of silence, which made me desperately trying to think of something to say…to save the moment…but my mind was drawing blank. All I could do at best was trying to keep a smile on. I was going to take her to park by the water in Brooklyn for a nice walk and she even agree to go…but then it started to get really dark…and then there was lightning and thunder…then I took her home. The restaurant was a bad choice…we were stuffed after a few bits and there was no room left for dessert and the place was poorly lit. But she was very polite and nice through out the whole time and she said we can try the Brooklyn place next time…maybe it’s not a complete loss, but still I know I can be so much more interesting and humorous than I was today cause when we interact under normal circumstances at work, I was fine and I can make her laugh. I called her after I got home to thank her cause I had a great time (lie! I was a wreck!) and I admitted to her that i was a little nervous and she said it was okay and that was end of the phone conversation (I probably shouldn't have told her I was nervous and I am normally more interesting than today...idiot!!)...I wanted to tell her that she looked so pretty today...but somehow I couldn't think of telling her that any time during the date or on phone even though I was saying it in my mind when I first saw her come of her apartment. Gosh, I wish I can just skip the whole dating process and go straight into know each other…the bad thing is…I think I am already falling for her…this is actually not ideal for me cause I don't want to go down the one-sided road...again. My heart is in fact very fragile...all that breaking and mending didn't make my heart any stronger than it was before...I am an idiot....do they medication for curing idiocy?

**I just want to say thank you for all the advices from the previous entry, I really do appreciate them. now I just need to learn to be myself even under pressure...ironic how difficult that can be...

***Note: Everything went okay at work with her today...we said good morning to each other and around lunch she came over to my desk to thank me for yesterday...I was surprised to be honest. she had to stay late at work tonight so I decided to wait 3 hrs for her so we can take the train together (cause we take the same train) and I bought her dinner while she was still working cause I know she was getting hungry...we had a deeper conversation on the train outside the realm of what we like and don't like...we talked about being straight forward with each other...it was a little hard to spit it out but then she told me I am being too nice to her...I guess me being really nice to her sort of made her feel uncomfortable...it's like someone giving you something really expensive and you kind of don't want to take it because it's too much...well, that's how she explained to me. that's one of my problem...being too nice....

Questions about dating….

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 21:25:25 GMT

Ok, some of the questions may seem bluntly obvious or maybe even idiotic…but I am really not sure so I am hoping someone might be able shine some light or share some thought of wisdom with me…thanks.

1. if you ask someone to out to a weekend lunch and you been giving off signals that you’re interested in her and she said yes…do you have to make it clear to her it’s a date or is it already implicitly implied it is a date? can you assume she knows it is a date?

2. when do you tell the girl you’re interested in a serious relationship or that you’re dating because you want a serious relationship? Initially? Like after the first date? Or after a couple of dates?

3. you got the girl’s number and she has yours…do you ask if it is okay to call her sometime to talk or just call when you think she might be free? And how often should a guy call the girl per week after the first date?

4. is it better to play it safe in the beginning of dating period by doing the “normal” dating activities (dinner, movies/shows, lounge, long walk, etc) or is it better to be creative and take some risk (sending flower, hot air balloon, write her a song, one day trip to somewhere not too far away, etc)

5. if you paid for the first dinner and at the second dinner she offer to pay, but you really want to pay for the second dinner too before you were the one who asked her out…should you insist on paying or let her pay since she offer because you don’t want to be seen as macho man type of person or what not? (what I meant by macho man is that I don't want to be seen as someone who always want things his way and not willing to share the load and making all the decisions...get what I mean?)

Any feedback before Sunday would be greatly appreciated!

Everyone got their train story…here’s mine

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 20:45:14 GMT

I was late to work this morning not because I overslept but for two reasons…1) the train was running really slow and there were delays, 2) I got into a fight with someone on the way to catch the Metro-North…ok it was more like I was beat up by someone on the way to catch the Metro-North. I was dashing as soon as I got out of the train and ran toward the stair to the metro-north but I chose the stair where people were coming down because I saw there were less people on it but then by the time I got up a few steps there were a lot of people, but I kept going anyway in hope of catching the 8:56 train with only 2 minute left but these people coming down the stair were angry that I was running up on the down-stair and some people shoulder bumped me as I was going up…I got a couple of hits and then by the 3^rd or 4^th time I snapped cause this guy knock me out of balance and with a reflexive motion I turned around and push him back. (not a very smart move especially if the guy is bigger than you are…)

Immediately the guy turned around [like a vicious beast] after regaining his balance and went after me and I push him back (you’ll do that when someone is charging at you and you avoid their fist from landing on your face) then his grabbed my arm and pull me down and tried to push me down the stair…he managed to land a couple of fistfuls on the back of my head in between all the pushing and shoveling but I was dodging too so they didn’t connected fully. He was still trying to push me down the stair after a couple of hits and then the people around him held him back and kept saying “it’s not worth it”, “it’s not worth it” …I was still trying to regain my balance and from the corner of my eye I can see him still trying to come after me, but luckily by now a police officer got up the stair and was restraining the guy with some kind of arm lock followed by a few other officers with bullet proof vest and semi-automatic assault rifle surrounding the man. They polices took us down by the booth and they asked me what happened and after I told him exactly what had happened and they gave the man a warning and told him to leave the station while I was asked to wait a little until it was safe to leave. The police didn’t give me a hard time and they were actually siding with me…I guess that’s probably because by the time they noticed something was wrong and went to the stair they only saw the guy trying to pushing me down the stair and throwing punches at me. My shirt got a little dirty but I wasn’t hurt at all thanks to God and to the people that were holding the guy back and the police officers that came to my rescue. So it was a good day since I didn’t fall and crack my skull open…but yeah it was my fault for running against the traffic and for pushing the guy back…

non-christian girls...

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 05:19:38 GMT

So I am supposed to only date and marry other Christians because I am Christian…I accept that as the right thing to do…but I am just not doing this particular right thing. I am open to dating non-christian girls mostly because sometime I just meet non-christian girls I connect with better than I do with Christian girls and I don’t want to dismiss them just because they’re not Christian. And for some reason non-christian girls (at least the ones I meet) tend to be more expressive and honest with their feelings. (which is the kind of qualities I like in a girl…also doesn’t help that the only Christian girl I dated treated me the worst and left a bad taste & the few Christian girls I pursued rejected me.) I am not in denial neither…that as a Christian I know I am not supposed to date or marry non-christian…I know I am sinning because it can cause me to stray away from God. I mean as much as possible I would like to date or marry a Christian girl, but if there are two girls I am asked to choose from…one is a Christian and we have an only okay connection, the other is a non-christian who I have a great connection with…I would choose the non-christian girl. Although I am pretty clear on where I stand on this issue, but I am still a little intimidated by the responses I might get from my Christian community. Nevertheless, I feel this is another step toward candidacy and being honest with myself and with others. (kind of feel like a gay person coming out of the closet except that I am NOT gay and there might be some eternal consequences.)

So what happen if I start dating a non-christian girl? I don’t think at all I am going try convert her…only God can change people’s heart, I am just a messenger. I will share with her why I am became a Christian and the reasons I believe and the rest is between her and God. I’ll be there for her if she has any questions and I will pray for her salvation everyday of my life, but I will not make her do anything she doesn’t want to or let her feel uncomfortable. Also let me make this abundantly clear for those of you that have words like lust and flesh in your minds…this is NOT about sex. If I wanted to have sex I could have done it long time ago, this is about not discriminating between christian and non-christian girls when it comes to my personal choice of selecting a possible love.

After A while...

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 04:17:14 GMT

You learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...that you really are strong.

And you really do have worth.

By Anonymous

I have this hanging on my wall since freshman year in college...I find it encouraging and a good reminder and I wish to share it with this community.

**Just to clarify, I didn't write this. Someone really wise and profound did. =)

***Went to see my parents last night and decided to digitalize the family album...came across this picture of my brother and I...guess who's who?