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| New article coming soon.
(Note: Pick up a copy of the Courier in the near future--we're being published there. It'll be older articles for a couple weeks, but we may debut one there before putting it online. And if you want to see more Trinity News Boys in the paper, let them, and us, know.)
-TNB | | |
| Kid Drives Monster Truck; Is Real Cool
By Gunther Wayneright
Trinity students witnessed the ultimate in coolness yesterday as a kid drove a monster truck around campus.
Bystanders said it was the coolest thing they had ever seen.
"By far, I've never seen anything cooler than that kid driving the
monster truck," Melanie Griffin, Trinity student, said. "Not even
the Makeout Party in West Hall can compare with him."
Students and others eager to see "The Monster Truck Kid" in all his
irrepresible coolness flocked outside the Martin and Janet Ozinga
Chapel several nights ago. There, they witnessed feats of driving
ingenuity heretofor unseen.
"He drove right up over the medians in the chapel lot," said Sophomore
William Stanley. "I passed out from the majesty of it."
Witnesses were filled with ecstacy as before their very eyes, the
monster truck screetched to a stop and the window opened. The Monster
Truck Kid glared out at them, and, with all his might, laughed and
pointed at the crowd.
"That was the epitome of cool," said Freshman Tina Wynn. "It was glorious."
While it is yet unknown just who this mysterious Monster Truck Kid is,
what is known is that he represents the coolness Trinity so desperately
needs.
"I appreciate how kind and encouraging he is to Trinity students," said
President Steve Timmermans. "God bless that Monster Truck Kid."
Ride on, son. Ride on.
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| Trinity Student Dies Waiting for Prince to Come
By Wellington Seeya
Late last night, the body of an anonymous Trinity student was found in the South Hall lobby. Bystanders said she was simply "waiting for that special someone."
"She collapsed like a big sack of collapsing fluid," said on-looker and South Hall resident Eric Downs. "If it was dropped from a rather high building."
A large group of students were gathered in South Hall lobby, discussing their "man woes," late last night. According to on-lookers, the anonymous girl had expected to be "wearing a ring" at that point in her life. She realized that she wasn't wearing a ring -- or, at least, the sort of ring not found in a box of Cracker Jacks.
"I think it hit her. Hard," said South Hall resident Jessica Vander Vleet. "I mean, she was in college, and she was still single. What kind of a loser is single, living life to the fullest, in college?"
"We often prayed for our future husbands... you know, that God would keep them safe until we met them," said Freshman Stephanie Reeves. "But then God came to us in a corporate vision and told us that some of us wouldn't ever get married. Can you believe the all-mighty nerve? God! I mean, Gosh!"
God responded, "For crying out loud, I created this stuff. I think I know what I'm talking about."
The parents of the dead girl could not be reached for comment, but it is suspected that they are upset. | | |
| Bush Wins Re-election; Trinity Students Respond with Violent Acts Against Kerry Supporters
by Gunther Wayneright
The morning of November 3rd brought, along with the re-election of the president, a wave of hellfire and brimstone the likes of which have never been seen before on a small Christian college campus. Bush supporters rallied outside the Smoke Shack to show their approval of Bush's second term in office. No sooner had they begun their jubilant chanting of "Yeah Bush Go!" than a Kerry supporter made the mistake of screaming "Go Kerry Yeah!" instead.
"If he'd said 'Yeah Kerry Go!' we probably wouldn't even have heard him. It's his own stupid fault for getting it out of order," said junior Zachary Goforth.
Immediately, angry Republicans leapt on the poor Kerry supporter, kicking him and calling him a "dumbface."
"They beat me with French bread!" said Sophomore Chris Scott. "For the love of God, French bread! At least it wasn't Bosco sticks..."
Soon a cry rang out from all the "Bushies", calling for the "immediate and purposeful annoyance of any and all Kerry supporters found lurking around Trinity's campus."
"A bunch of guys backed me into a corner and poked me with pencils," said Professor John Bakker. "And then they hit me with bags of flour. Where did they get bags of flour?"
It took several hours for security to ride around in their carts and herd all the Bush supporters into the gym, where they were blasted with hoses that hadn't been used since the 1960's Trinity Hippie Riots. "It was good to see those hoses back in action," said Professor Mike VanderWheel. "It brought back some good memories."
All is calm now, and a semblance of peace rests over Trinity's campus like a goat-hair poncho. But how long will this armistice last? When will the tension pull us apart? One thing is for sure: in 2008, the French Bread Unrest will rear its ugly head again. God save us all. | | |
| Trinity Student President Showers Naked!
- by Fargus McGuillicudy
In an act of extreme nakedness, Kevin Walker, the Student Body President of Trinity Christian College, was discovered showering in the nude in his dorm room (Alumni 204) last Thursday, October 28th. Walker has been known for his naked escapades, which include streaking, flashing, and naked bike riding, but this act of lewdness tops them all.
When confronted with his roommate's severe, legitimate nudity, Justin Bush was struck speechless.
"..." said Mr. Bush.
While cases of public nudity are not uncommon on college campuses, Mr. Walker's streaking has become something of an icon for Trinity Christian College's "Reformed Christian" image. All those unfortunate enough not to have witnessed Mr. Walker's phallus firsthand can take heart: few have lived who have not seen it, so your turn is probably coming. And soon. | | |
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