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You know how when you go through life and you overcome
something? "Man that felt good, I won't ever have to struggle with
that again. I may have a lot more things to deal with in my life, but at
least I know that will never be one of them."
It's a lie. Because no matter how good you get, no matter how disciplined
you become, God will always just keep peelin' back the layers, revealing more
dust and cobwebs.
I'm beginning to understand that now. I'm beginning to realize that I'm
not as good as originally researched. I never thought that this would be
a problem. I'm selfish. Whether it's with my time, money, or even
the people I'm with, I'm selfish. I don't look out to fulfill other
people's needs and desires, especially if it means sacrificing my own
advantages and well being.
I've always been very disciplined, especially with my time. And I'm
afraid that is separating me from the people I love. If I don't have my
schoolwork done, if I haven't lifted weights, if I haven't gotten enough sleep;
then I'm sorry, I can't spend time investing in our relationship, that is,
unless I'm getting something out of it.
Is it possible for a man to operate completely out of selflessness? I’d
like to think so. I’d like to think that by God’s grace a man can be motivated
out of selflessness. I’d really like to
reach that level. I really want to get to a point in my life where my own
desires are fairly foreign to me, a place where I look out only to the needs of
others.
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| Weekends are good. I don't want this one to end. It was fantastic.
But it makes me sad. Because there are times in my life where I just want to stop, and live in that moment forever. Yet, the moments simply slip through my fingers and there's nothing I can do about it.
It may sound corny, but whenever I think about this particular aspect of time I'm reminded of Star Trek. I could care less about the series as I never really watch it (my dad and I would flip to it occasionally when I was nine), but we actually went to a Star Trek movie once. Somehow the gang crashed on a planet in a forgotten part of the cosmos where there were terrible amounts of something which they thought was bad, but was actually good and it made people live forever. These people had come from a technologically advanced society, but had forsaken it, blah blah, yadda yadda. Anyway, because they had lived so long they learned how to expirience time slowly. They could "stay in this moment." Whenever I think about staying in the moment, I flip to this horribly corny scene in the movie where Captain Picard is holding his woman's hand, who's dying, pleading with her to help him stay in that moment. He does and eventually they're saved (which doesn't make any sense).
Point is, I wanna learn how to do that. Though, if I did would it make me happier? Maybe. I dunno. Maybe God doesn't let us do that because we need to learn contentment. I know that's something I need to work on. Too often I refuse to let go.
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| Lonely Mornings... I hate mornings.
Now before you start agreeing with me, you need to know why. It's not the waking up early. I like to wake up early. I love seeing the sun rise and feeling the cool chill coming from the morning dew. I enjoy being conscious, during all, or at least most of the daylight hours. But as I was walking to the gym this morning I realized something. I was alone. I'm always alone in the mornings. I mean, it's not all bad to spend some time by yourself, but I'm beginning to get too much of it. I'm tired of not starting anything until mid-afternoon.
As I get older I'm beginning to realize more and more how much I need people. As a kid I used to be able to spend vast quantities of time by myself and be wonderfully content and happy (this was a very good thing, being homeschooled and all). But not anymore. My happiest moments are when I'm with the people that I love, and alone time is becoming filler. I'm sick and tired of filler. It's 10a.m. right now, and I have no hope for any kind of social time until maybe 2. But that's it as well. When you're alone in the morning, and there's nothing planned, then you have nothing to look forward to, but a day of loneliness and misery. Don't get me wrong, I know I can call people to go hang out or something, but sometimes it feels like I'm just burdening someone with my loneliness when I call (other times, I'm just lazy). Maybe that's why I like school so much, and morning classes in particular. When I go to my classes, especially in the morning, I love being there. I simply enjoy being around people. Having someone to talk to, to throw jokes at, it's a terribly wonderful thing.
But, then again, alone time is neccessary. Especially when it's spent with God. That's the other side of the coin. Sometimes, I wonder if I replace God with people, their affection, their affirmation, their love. This is really easy to do when you have a girlfriend. Allison, is one of the most spectacular people I know, and right now I would love to be spending my time with her. And sometimes, I may desire that time too much, I may dwell on it rather than turning my focus where it needs to be.
Maybe that's why God has put me here, and given me this time. So that I can adjust and refocus. There's a lot of adjustment in life and far too many times where we have to turn our eyes back to our relationship with Christ. It's very easy to be distracted. Right now I don't know if I'm distracted or just lonely. Maybe a little mixture of both.
If any of you need someone to hang out with in the morning...
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| School is starting, and do you know what that means? No more staying up past 10:30p.m. I know I know... All your jaws are gaping, because you cannot believe, that someone could actually dream of going to bed before 2:00 a.m. But, listen; it's true. I need the sleep. Especially this semester. My schedule is going to be absolutely nuts. No more free time whatsoever... It's sad really. I'm the kind of person that enjoys his free time. I love to complete my tasks at my own pace. It's the homeschooler in me, I'm sure. My self-discipline is the one that's harpin' on me all the time. I'm afraid everything he says is pretty important to me. But discipline becomes much more difficult to deal with the more responsibility is given to you.
And, let's face it. The pressure's on in college. You're responsible for the rest of your life here. You screw up, and you'll be living on the streets with Edna and his dog Methuselah. Don't get me wrong, Edna's a nice man, a little strange sometimes, especially when it comes to lipstick, but nice nonetheless. But, I want a family. I want to be able to provide (maybe I should have thought about another major then, huh? Art isn't exactly a gold mine). I want to play baseball with my son, and buy a ranch for my parents.
And I think that it all comes down to the little things you do to prepare for the future. Some people may think I'm a freak for not sleeping in past 12:00p.m. everyday. But I'm just preparing myself. I'm getting ready for anything that God might throw my way. Please, don't think I'm bashin' all you late sleepers (God save me if I have a problem with it, Allison sleeps latest of them all). I'm just saying that everything you do will have an impact on you in the future, and being aware of that is incredibly important.
Enjoy school. I'm not sure if I will.
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| I've forgotten all about xanga, and to be honest, I've really missed it. All the writing, the thought, the reaching out beyond just a simple hello. No more shallow comments on someone's facebook, because you want your wall posts to break the 500 mark. This is xanga, if you care about somebody, you have to make sacrifices; you have to read. And, if you're dislexic, then you're going to be making some big sacrifices.
So, the reason I'm making this comeback? Actually, nostalgia kicked in today. Allison and I were wandering about in the xanganese universe, reading various entries; mostly a friend of mine's who's got crazy prank calling skills and her sister's comments on life, fashion, and chinese heredity.
Therefore, a comeback is in order. And so, this semester, I will make it a goal of mine to start posting my thoughts once again.
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