Currently Listening Signs of a Vacant Soul By Virgos Merlot see related

- kiss my disease

i think i told myself that i would be leaving this way of life... but it's funny how even now once everything has been said and done i still find my way back here... it's like going through a maze, except instead of getting to the other side i come back right where i started. i think there must be more to this then meets the eye, maybe a purpose, beyond trying to be skinny. maybe we should stop trying to be the person everyone wants us to be, the person society tells us is beautiful and start being ourselves.. because in the end that's all we have, one day we'll be old, have children or not.. but i think the day we learn to love ourselves for us and not looks is the day we'll all finally be able to breathe, and know we'll be alright in the end...

my first year of college is finally over, and i'm back home for the summer... you know in college this way of life seemed so far away, like i didnt need it, but when i'm at home, i come running to it, like a refuge. a place to see myself, and want to be this sort of anorexic girl. and back at college i know it's wrong, and know my boyfriend would kill me for it.

i love life back at college because there is so much i am constantly doing that i never get the chance to sit and think. that's the difference you know, when i get two seconds to think about ana, i come running back, hating my body, and wondering how i could have ever tried to stop. but when i'm home, and i'm here it's easy, and i wonder why i ever thought it would be so hard to begin with.

life is like a circle, it goes around and around, and only when you are true to yourself does one survive..

all my love,
~arwen shaine lee

and back to anorexia nervosa i run.. into the shadows, and into the darkness where all my pain and misery lies.. i thought i was done this time, i thought there wasn't a need to do this anymore.. but then when people call you fat, when you are so imperfect, so flawed and damaged, i guess starvation to perfection is where the facade all lies.. i'm sorry to break my promise to you baby, i'm sorry i won't tell you i'm doing this.. but this is my curse, this is my issue, and one i can't bear to drag you into.. all my love to you kevin, i love you more than words could ever say

i hate this world, i hate how quickly i can come running back to this place. i want for one moment to wake up and see that this is all a dream, realize that none of this ever happened, be okay in my own skin. think i'm good enough for something, think that my life has some sort of purpose on this planet, this for just one millisecond i'm worth while.. i hate this place, i hate constantly coming back here just when i think i'll be alright. it's like a virus that attacks just when you think you're getting better, and lingers dormant forever in your skin and blood..

i know i said i was going to move past this place, grow.. i know the lesson, i know this isn't good, i  know there isn't a purpose to starving yourself to death.. yet i crave it, and want it ever more.. anorexia -- to be as skinny as a bone, see the reflection in the mirror and know that there is nothing more that can be taken away.. i think when i see myself in the mirror so skinny is when i get the reality check that this isn't right, but for now all i see is a fat overweight girl, so i'll starve myself until that reality check, restrict and fast.. i'll wait until the reflection in the mirror tells me i'm wrong, until then i'm staying this way.. because it's what i need, and what i want... no matter how bad i already know it is..

all my love,
~arwen shaine lee

so many times have i tried to escape this place, so many times have i come running back, so many times have i wished my life was all over, so many times do i know my life has only begun, so many times do i wish to wake up as skinny as a bone, so many times do i wish i could look in the mirror and think i was beautiful both inside and out.. this disease as quickly as it arrives disappears, and then starts all over again like no time or growth has taken place at all... i loth for the day when this will all be over,and i won't judge my own beauty and success based on those of others..

waiting to fall... knowing nobody will be there to catch me...
anorexia nervosa, you know i thought for a while i passed it, i was strong enough to say, no more.. how truly foolish i am at times, because when i get skinny and the bones start to show, i just want more.. to be thinner, to be beautiful, maybe even to feel unconditionally loved.. i think i'm waiting to learn something, like i haven't quite grown up enough yet to let go of this disease because i don't think i'm good enough to live without it.

maybe it's not even about being skinny anymore, maybe it's not about being anorexic or having control, maybe it's just that i want to feel worthy, good enough for somebody to care about and have love me even with all of my imperfections still think i'm perfect. maybe that's what love, and loving somebody is about, standing by them through thick and thin knowing that even if you don't think your perfect, in their eyes you are.. maybe i'm just waiting to find myself in all this world we call life, maybe i'm waiting to be able to love myself for who i am, and stop asking myself to be more then what i can offer, better then i already am?

all my love,
~arwen shaine lee

you want to know the truth about this disease... there is no light at the end of the tunnel, no beauty in the breakdown... no reward in the dying. it's disease i've spent much of my life trying to understand, and too much of it trying to hide from. nobody really knows about the depair i've gone through over the years... part of me thinks they don't care, but in all truth and honesty i never had the courage to tell them of this disease... because if you can hide behind the shadows, at some point people stop looking for you, and you are invisible... i once thought there was a glory in the bone, the truth is, there is no glory for the anorexic at all...

you can't imagine how long it's been since i've last written here... and i wonder why i stopped, and at some point in time i realized why. twiggy_me_beautiful was my refuge, my place of hiding, a place where i could be dead, and not feel anything... but as you get older your refuge becomes the place that you start to fear the most, and a place you wish you had never known... because it's a place i'll never be able to recover from, with every moment of my life i am still attached to this suicidal prison...
i see the girls still living in this place, and envy them for all of their dedication and pity them, because the anorexic world through my eyes never had any prize, no light at the end of the long tunnel, and no place warm to stay when you couldn't even feel the world moving around you. it's a disease that'll never go away no matter how hard you try, because trust me i've been trying for 6 months now... and it still haunts me at times... sometimes i wish i were skinner, when i know how crazy i sound at the same time.
people ask why girls do what they do... the answer for me was always control, a need to have something i could be in full control of, to help me find balance, when i knew that anorexia was also throwing me out of balance. it's like a virus that will never leave... and even when all the symptoms are gone... it still dwells deep within you...

all my love,
~arwen shaine lee

life hands you things you don't understand. life demands change out of those who have an inability to change. we often ask people to change where people can't for it is the very core of their personality. we ask things of others we ought not ask, and demand the impossible for things that should remain impossible. life is a series of tugs and pulls, you only hope that along the way you pick the right path, one that gives you passage, the motivation and soul to move forward, to be a reason to keep living. sometimes things get complicated, some times they get hard, but the harder you fall, usually means the more worth it is to rise again. there is no glory in never failing, only those who know great pain can understand true contentness.

i'm not really sure what i'm feeling right now, more or less what i should be feeling. i'm so tired of arguing, so sick of hating myself. i tried to make myself purge today and nearly did it, but by the time i got the hang of it, my food had been in my system too long. life hasn't been bad, but it hasn't been good either. i'm deathly afraid i won't graduate and hense have to sacrifice time i'd normally spend with my boyfriend. at this point i can't believe i have spent 1:30-4:30pm, and then 8:00pm-1:00am arguing with him, getting mad at him, and trying to make him believe i care about him. our fights are getting worse, and there is no reason for them. they are always my fault, and just don't know how to stop it either.

i think that's the worse, wishing you could stop or fix something but not knowing how, and having the person believe you aren't even trying. i'm so intoxicated at the moment it's not even gonna be funny for when i wake up in the morning with a killer hangover. i'm just so dead exhausted, drained and broken that thinking just hurts at the moment. i want the mindlessness i had as a youth, though i wouldn't trade my wisdom for anything. it's hard to see the point in living sometimes, when the dying seems so peaceful. i promised two of my friends i wouldn't finish off my mixer of alcohol, but at this moment, i don't think it could be any worse.

i discovered something the past two days i've been with my boyfriend though. that i'm actually falling in love with him, despite all the hard times we have, despite how much we argue, i'm actually falling in love with him. love is really an interesting thing, like you can't really explain it, and you can't bring yourself to physically say it either. i just sorta wish i could make him understand how much he means to me.

i've reverted back to anorexia a few times, when the going gets tough. it's truly my coping skill, i mean part of me knows i'm fat, part of me dies to be the skinny girl, but when things aren't so complicated i tend to worry less about it. it's interesting though, to know that anorexia means nothing and yet do it anyways just for the "glory of the bone." life tends to be rather ironic like that, it makes me wonder if i'm not longer just a societal girl gone wrong, of if i've actually conformed myself into this disease i've tried so hard to flee from. part of me knows it'll never go away, part of me needs it for survival... slowly dying from the inside out

all my love, ~arwen shaine lee