Yea, so much for updating on the 15th.

 

As of right now, I am really ambivalent about life. Life is not that great for me, in a melodramatic sense. I have a lot of physics work to make up, which is entirely my fault. nonetheless, it still sucks. It's very overwhelming. So much for senior year being a breeze. It's been the most hectic, work-filled, stressful, strange period of my life up to this point. I guess that was to be somewhat expected, but not to the extent that it currently is. At the same time there are all of these little annoyances that creep up. I suppose those can't be overexaggerated; because, once they are, they remain magnified until some serendiptious ocassion comes along and makes you smile. And that's what life is, a casting off; learning to temper the bad times with the good, the storms and the sunshine. Hopefully, there is always more light than darkness in on's life, but all one can hope for is to make it through life happy, connected to other people, and most importantl, with an understanding of one's highest self.

 

That's what we're kind of talking about in English right now. We're readign "Invisible Man" by ralph Ellison. I didn't really read it, I sprknoted it. But I kind of wish I had read it. I understand the themes, which I really find fascinating. The main one is that the Invisble Man in the novel is trying to find out who he is, and he never does throughout the novel. Rather, he allows those around him to manipulate him, using them for their own desires, and not seeing him as an individual. Until the end of the novel, the Invisble Man doesn't realize this. he has been shedding off layers of skin, when he assumes the identity of someone who is not. And he resolves to understand himself. Without giving more away for those who want to read it (if you're actually reading this), it's suffice to say that it's an awesoem book. The use of symbolism, of black and white, light and dark, is amazing, spellbinding, and masterful. Ellison is the man. I wish I could write something like "Invisble Man." It's enoguh for me to keep on writing poetry, and working on my screenplay (that will happen...never).

 

Anyway, we were talking about shedding off layers of skin, and finding your identity.       

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Editor's note: this is where the entry ended the night of Thursday, January 20th, 2005. The entry contiues below:

 

Right now, I am naked, both physically and emotionally. I kind of just had a nervous breakdown, filled with tears, and snot, and it was...pretty bad. Tears, and snot, and punding of fists, and screaming. There's been a lot of tension this week, especially with schoolwork. Writing is the best way for me to express myself and this is what I'm doing to try to sort out what's going on in my head.

 

Every day of this week has felt like at least two days. two very long days. Filled to the brim, from very early in the morning, to very late at night. Life is not meant to be lived like that. it's unhealthy, and it leaves you exhausted, semi-depressed, crushed, and devoid of any semblance of happiness. I don't want to live like that.

 

Right now, I feel like the lonliest person I know. I don't know why, but whenever I want to try to do something on a weekend-night, everyone already has plans, or I can't get in touch with who I want to get in touch with. Part of me wanted to stay inside tonight because it's been a stressful week, and just curl up with the fire and movie or something. But part of me also wanted to go out and do something, because I haven't been out in a long time. but an even bigger part of me is whispering why are you alone?

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Editor's note: After this section of the entry, a calming down period was taken. The collected, calmer, relfections are posted below (apologies for the piecemeal nature of this entry):

 

After calling up Kelly, who is a doll, and awesome, i calmed down. i collected myself, mostly because my mom came home. We went searching for dinner and eventually wound up waiting for a good twenty minutes at Applebee's. After a delicious dinner, over which mom and I talked about college, and memories, and when I was a baby, I became more content. After talking with Sahwn, I realize that the reason I was alone tonight is due toa  lack of forethought and planning, and not some strange design by the universe that means no one likes me, or loves me. I just need to plan ahead for the weekend more often. When I have free time. Which is almost never.

 

There is so much going on in my life, relatively, it's ridiculous. Most of it is through choice, and is positive: Chameleon, NFTY, the Musical. other things are through choice, and negative :having a lot of make-up work for physics. And still others are beyond my control: the situation with my brother. It is ridiculous to hope that life can be controlled entirely. Very rarely can life even be controlled beyond a certain degree of comfort. One can only hope to temper the storm, and find personal fulfillment, connection to others, and understaning of onself.

 

As I was saying, once upon time ("...In a far-off kingdom"..shut up, it's my second line for the Musical), trying to understand onself at this age is so difficult. Shedding off layers of skin of former identities and sebmlances of the self is a process that occurrs almost naturally; although, sometimes with difficulty. Like the Invisble Man, teenagers allow themselves to be manipulated by those around them, often into what those other peopel want them to be. They never see you for you are; justa  token in their chess game. Althought his is certainly not the case with all people, it does happen. And so, it is an arduous task to find out your identity. it is so easy to seccumb to temptation, and allow one's fleetign identity to vanish beneath the waves; carried away with the undertow of peer-pressure, immaturity, insecurity, and lack of understanding in general. And so, I feel, to come away from high-school truly mature, with an understanding of who you really are as a person, in all aspects; socially, spiritually, internally, everything; is a feat that is often not achieved.

 

I'm going to come out and say it, because I don't care really: I have no use for superficial people. Superficial  people meaning people who are nice and polite to you for a few minutes, but actually have no interest in forming a lasting bond; superficial people meaning people who are so insecure and immature, that they need to hide behind cute, airy, fluff experiences, facades, and understandings, in order to shield their own fragile spirit; superficial people meaning people who do not allow themselves even the opportunity to have experiences that are outside their comfort zone or their common circle of friends; superficial people meaning people who despite their surface maturity, actually have never written or discovered original ideas for themselves, but, rather, feed of the the immaturity of those around them.

 

I know this sounds so preachy, and ridiculously hypocritcal, but it's the truth. I know so many people like this. Perhaps, I am an anomaly, and I take things too seriously, and I am too mature for my won good. People say "Just fuckin' have fun, get drunk, get high, we're teeenagers; we're never going to get to do this agin." Wrong. You can be mature, and have an understanding of yourself, and have mature, original thoughts, and STILL party--it's called COLLEGE. And I can't wait for it. And perhaps high school is simply a rite of passage; a path in the wilderness of understanding, filled with beacons,blinding you, guinding you both in positive and negative directions. The task is finding your way through the forest, with your soul intact, ready to live your life as yourself. I just wish that people in my grade would grow up already. You're goign to be eighteen in a few months if you aren't already. Stop being 15. Please. It sucks when you have the maturity of a 21-year old or higher, and you're around people who are so immature. 

 

I had long conversation with Erum about all of this and more a couple of nights ago. it rocked. I understand people are finding themselves; I am still a little bit, probably more than I know. But I do know that I have settled more into who I am than most people I know. I'm comfortable with who I am, and I find it disheartening that so many peopel I know have not yet reached this point. They will, someday. But, to me, it's unfortunate. I don't know why it takes some people longer to mature than others. I am babbling, indeed.

 

I told Mrs. Gleason today, when staying after school today (because I'm a dork and enjoy haunting the English/History poffice (reminder* I MUST get the office a large gift in June, as well as individual gifts)) that the Dylan song "Jokerman" has the lines:

 

"Fools rush in where angels fear to tread,
Both of their futures, so full of dread, you don't show one.
Shedding off one more layer of skin,
Keeping one step ahead of the persecutor within"      

 

It's very fitting for this conversation. I also told her that I eventually wanted to submit a graduation speech concerning this topic and others.

 

Wow, I feel a lot better. Writing is amazing. it truly is to me. it has so much power. It's very cathartic, and I love it, hence:   

 

Çç (Catharsis complete)

I suppose, if you even care, that an apology is in order. My life has been a hectic ball of chaos and confusion the last two or so months...I have always been meaning to update, but I seemed to constantly be under a load of work, or applications, and most of all, stress. And so, I will try to purge my mind of my thoughts on my life these past two months:

 

As I said, life is busy, and just never seems to stop. As November came to a close, I was working on college applications, which I wound up handing in December 2nd. I eventually applied to Columbia, Boston U, Syracuse, Ithaca, Binghamton, and UNC-Chapel Hill, which I hear back from on January 31. There were a lot of schools like NYU and Cornell that i initialyl was going to apply to, but wound up tossing by the wayside, because I just couldn't see myself going there. I'm happy where I applied, and now, it's just waiting...

 

December was an interesting month, filled with a lot of enegy, expectations, sadness, and happiness. It was life ina  nutshell: full of highs and lows, carrying people across a tide, through storms and sunshine.

 

The day to day inner-workings of my life are filled with work, little sleep, a lot of stress and thoughts, and in general, a lingering desire to find happiness; to find soem kind of joy, that rarely seems to find its way inside me. I never imagined that anything could be more hectic than junior year, but first semester senior year is a bitch. And it's not over yet. So school was a and still is a very stressful and increasingly pointless exercise in rote. Rarely am I feeling that I am genuinely learning and expanding insight and knowledge in school, and the desire to go to college and experience something new, different, and interesting, in terms of knowledge and people is also ever increasing.

 

NFTY provided me with a little relief. Planning for Winter Kallah continued throughout December, and I kept hyping it for myself, billing it as the best event that I was ever going to go to in NFTY. As of right now, I feel that my expectations were completely exceeded. The services, the people, the programs, the ...everything was amazing. I had a great time, and I know a lot of other people really enjoyed themselves. So, I call it a definite success. Plus, I bought Ross again at Auction, and I got to cut ben Sager's hair. Shweet.

 

All has not been well with my family. My brother got kicked out of the house, because things were escalating to a point where my parents couldn't deal with him anymore. He got into a car accident in Tuxedo in mid-December, and was lucky as hell that he didn't hurt himself or anyone else, since he was probably stoned out his mind. That night was horrible. I didn't know what to do or what to think. My dad was so furious with my brother; I thought that if they were in the house together that night, someone would have died. I tried calling a lot fo people and eventually got in touch with Michael, who is such a great kid and friend. He's...awesome. So I was talking to him for 10 minutes, trying to calm myself down. I called up my cosuin Sue, and told her I didn't want to stay in the house that night, and so she told me to pack a bag, and stayed at her house...it was good to get away.

 

As it stands right now, after having the locks changed, and having my brother shuffle from on friend's house to another for a few weeks, he's at Rockland Pyschiatric Hospital, in a 28-day kind of thing, and then he's going to try to go to a half-way house. You can only hope that he's sincere. I'm just so torn about it. And I know I shouldn't be because it's his life, and he needs to do it, to get on track, whatever.

 

I'm losing steam here. Sorry to cut this update short. Maybe more later tonight. I'm going to continue to look for something to do. I'll probably wind up alone again. Later

 

Again, Harold Ramis from "Orange County": "I feel SO good!"

 

I am quite content right now. I am a little less content than when I first returned from school. But, all is still well.

 

Did you ever get that feeling when you were in elementary school, like on the first day of Winter Break when you had a half day, that there was this electricity in the air? That you could do anything? That's how I felt when I came home today.  

 

Because think about this: I had the weekend, and then I was "off" for three days, even though I was sick. I came  back today for a really easy day. I get most of what I missed in Stat and physics, which were the only classes in which I really missed work. Then tomorrow I get the day off basically, because I'm going on this Shakespeare trip with Recurring Themes. It's awesome. Basically a nine day break from school. Ahh...if only it were June 23, 2005. That would be awesome.

 

I had a conference call with the lovely Nissim, Ari, micahel, and Zack, and, of course, the awesoem Rabbi Mallinger to discuss Winter kallah. I now know it is going to be the best event ever. NFTY-GER, get pumped, it's gonna rock!

 

UNC issues abound. College appss/work/scholarships to do tomorrow. Bekah's Saturday night...fuck. yea. (!)

 

Peace out cub scouts,

 

Çç