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another school year..another boyfriend..another addiction..another chance to fail..

thinspo..

 i want to be 79 pounds..

Wish I was skinnier..

Wish I was skinny period.

Obviously I haven't been on xanga in awhile..usually if I'm home at all I'm either sleeping or on myspace..sigh.

So far this summer I've hardly worked out AT ALL. Haven't watched what I've been eating that much either..soo..I'm up to a grossly 106 lbs. Ewewewewewewewew

This MUST change.

www.myspace.com/katelynjadelyn

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haven't updated in awhile..i'm sorry..i've just been..i don't know...i've started to lose my discipline..i hate it too..i NEED this to keep me alive..there's so much that's happened..gosh..

last night i had a dream that i weighed myself and i was 180lbs..i woke up and had the worst anxiety attack..my scale is on my back porch, which is screened it but that's besides the point..i ran out there at 530ish, it was freezing..and weighed myself..ughhhhhhhhhhhh 1-0-6...dammint..

i'm not eating! i'm not eating! i'm not eating! i'm not eating! i'm not eating! i'm not eating!

I'M SO FUCKING DISGUSTING I JUST WANT TO CUT A HOLE IN ALL MY FAT AND CARVE IT ALL AWAY!!!

ahh! i could just scream i hate myself so much..and too add to all this self loathing, next weekend i'm meeting a very important person to me who i haven't seen in 6 years..i know he'll be so disappointed seeing me..and how ugly i am..and just how gross and fat i am..i know he'll just be able to see the fat rolling on my sides..ugh god..

look how fucking big my thighs are..oh my god..

and how big my tummy is..jesus..i figured if i had them on here that i had to look at even if i did avoid the mirror all day, it would motivate me more..sigh..

//thinspo//

b--nothing

l--subway 230 cals, water 0 cals

d--protien bar 120 cals

total: 350...WAY TOO MUCH

exercise--500 sit ups..100 push ups

tomorrow i'll do better..if i eat at all i'll keep it under 200cals..i will..

so today...was a pretty good day...

b--nothing

l--orange juice 110 cals

d--nothing

sooo total cals--110

weighed myself this morning...bastard 107 again..ughhhhhhh..but today at school, my stomach was so empty and i could feel it growling and moving around..i loved it..after awhile the pain from being hungry turns into something that makes you proud and happy..*sigh*

and since i don't really have anything to write, i'm going to complain for a minute..i DISPISE it when someone comes up to me and starts lecturing me saying "you know if you don't eat the second you do eat youll just gain the weight back" or "the healthy way to lose weight is to eat right and work out, not starve yourself" or the best " do you know you're just hurting yourself more by not eating?" hmm..ok...WTF of COURSE i know that. it's my choice whether i want to starve myself or not. it's my choice if i want to exercise without eating. it's my choice if i want to purge! nothing no one says is going to change that..and these people who come up to me and think they know so much shit about being anorexic are just pathetic..i know what i'm doing is harmful..i know it's hurting me..i know it's not "healthy". but it's my choice and i'm going to stick with it no matter what..god..fucking people piss me off. don't talk to me about my "problems" when you don't understand the first thing about it. they dont' know what it's like to look in the mirror and cry because your fat is just hanging off every bone, what it's like to sit there with a razor tempting to cut every inch of yourself to try to be a little more perfect..they don't know what it's like to have a burning desire to be BEAUTIFUL..to be EVERYTHING you want to be..they don't know what it's like to sit there and stare for hours at pictures of girls who are skinnier and prettier than you, wishing you could look half of what they look like..

as for now i'm going to wrap myself up in warm blankets and go watch a movie or something..thank goodness school is out on wednesday..

allana love 

this week has been....HORRIBLE

everyday i wouldn't eat anything..but then i just binged and binged and i coudln't stop..oh god..i'm so fucking disgusting!!! i weighed myself yesterday morning..and i was 107..WTF...how could i let myself get this way?? i hate hate hate hate hate it. i hate hate hate hate me. i just wish i could take a big razor blade and cut all the fat off me.and gouge out my cheeks so my face wouldn't be fat..and everything would be fine..ugh..i made this deal with my friend on thursday that we wouldn't eat anything..for as long as we both can..and try to get down to our gw's by jan 15..the first thing i said i had to do was get rid of drinking soda all the time..even though it's diet..still..but i haven't even been able to do that! i want it so bad, but it's like my mind, my self control is slipping away..damn..

b--diet coke

l--tba

d--tba

total cal:0

hopefully i'll do ok the rest of the day..i must must must be small..

ya know..i've gotten into some bad shit..and used it to help me lose weight...like drugs and stuff..but..i hate being so greedy to just get them all the time..last night i got really fucked up..and this morning i feel like shit..am i any skinnier? i'll go weigh myself now...nope, it's the same..fuck that 107! i'm going to the gym now..and i'm going to run until i pass out.

//edit//

so i failed..once again..what else is new? i went to lunch with jason and i had a diet coke and fries..then when we came home i ended up eating almost a whole bag of chips..goooooooooooood..

so..

l--fries, diet coke

s--chips..

d--NOTHING

total cals: 3440

never never never never never never going to do that again..ever..although after the fries i purged..soo it's probably a little less cals..and i kinda did a workout..hah..sorta..but still, anything of 300 is way too much..anything more than 0 is way too much..