UnforgivenWrath51's Xanga

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Sat, 06 Sep 2008 02:57:31 GMT

So,still sick...it may be a gall bladder problem.In the mean time while I avoid the doctor I feel like I'm dying.

Mr.Locher has been my trombone teacher for almost 4 years now.I've been frustrated before,but not like today.Today was the first time I have cried in front of him.I felt like the world's biggest douche bag.He brought me a tissue...today was my worst trombone day ever.I had not played for two days due to,er...ralphing...and when I picked my trombone up to play in orchestra it was like I was in sixth grade again fishing for notes.I've NEVER had something like this happen.At first I thought it was the instrument.Guess what! It was actually me!It was god awful frustrating;I felt like hiding in a corner.I was freaking out because the biggest audition in my life thus far takes place tomorrow afternoon.COYO.If I get in...it's a life changer.I've worked my ass off.I've put so much time into it...and for something to happen like it did today,I was devastated.I was embarrassed,and scared that this problem would be permanent.Trombone is all I have,and it is the only thing I'm good at.It's my future.It took three years,but I've finally warmed up to Mr.Locher.I appreciate the person and musician that he is.He understands me without having to say a single word.I love my trombone teacher.Just an hour ago I played again,and the problem magically disappeared...

Friday, September 05, 2008

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 03:00:46 GMT

I've been puking my guts out for two days.I thought I was better.I ate some fruit loops.I hate cereal,but they were tasty.Now I can feel the bile and those fruity loops conspiring against my already raw throat.Up.Here it comes.Nothing ever tastes good the second time around.

oh wow an epiphany.Amy thinks I should forget about Tara.Jess wants me.I like Jess.But,I don't have time for a relationship.I can't put myself into it like before.

I realized today that everything isn't black and white.Ben told me that it's good that I finally see the grey areas.I think it exposes the helplessness I too often find myself feeling.

I'm a lonely person.As much as I pretend I'm not...I truly am.It doesn't matter who I surround myself with and how often.It's still just me.

I'm going to write letters to everyone I know I've wronged.If you're reading this expect one.

I like writing essays...someone should shoot me.

College,you aren't coming quick enough.

No,I don't believe in god.Quit asking me.

I hallucinated that the deer in the basement turned its head to look at me.Deer shouldn't smile.I was really sick today.

It doesn't matter how many times I shower...I still feel dirty.

Inner Demon

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 20:31:58 GMT

The luke warm water retaliated and splashed back in my face soaking my shirt.I struggled to wrap small hands around the neck of the invisible person I so wanted to drown, and clenched my teeth;I winced as they creaked.My watering eyes were forced to close,tears escaping in uncontrollable waves.

"DIE!" I yelled.My voice rang out broken and came wailing back at me.The house was empty except for a fly buzzing in the kitchen. I tasted blood. Metallic, it reminded me of putting quarters in my mouth.

I inhaled the fragrant scent of tangerine bubble bath and nearly choked. It was disgusting and made me sick.The smell was a slap in the face to my feelings; It was a taunting contrast to the emotions coursing through me.Sweet and delicate the potent bubble bath hung in the air.Dizzy, my stomach churned.

Wet clothes weighed me down.The tub could not hold much more water.I didn't care. Hazel eyes flickered open as a deranged sob escaped the depths of my throat and left my mouth hanging open. My eyes followed the trail of saliva and blood that poured into the tub and mixed with the water and bubbles.

My tongue throbbed in resentment of the teeth that had punctured it. Useless, I pressed the tip of it against the roof of my mouth and swallowed back the returning pool of blood.

My victim would not die.Strength was fading,but still I persevered against the struggling, and squirming demon caught between my fingers. I wanted to crush it.I leaned forward and beat my fist into my demon and sent water and bubbles across the room. My arm grew tired,and in my defeat I fell back into the tub. Losing to myself tasted of metal and soap.

The ceiling swirled above me.Cracked and molding it formed a vicious smile and mocked me as I slipped beneath the cloudy surface of the water.My world was all at once silent. It was deafening emptiness. My heart began to pound against my sternum, and where I laid in watery silence the sudden sound filled my head.

I closed my eyes,and let all tension go.Not a muscle in my body moved.The water was still. The warmth felt of silk against my skin. I exhaled through my nose feeling the last few bubbles tickle my face as they escaped to the surface of the water and were no more.

My demon laid beside me,and nuzzled it's body against mine.It gave a high pitched giggle,and sang it's wicked lullaby.My demon carressed my hair and smiled almost lovingly.It knew it had won.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 19:17:24 GMT

so,blind date...turns out I already know her.Her grandma owns the DairyQueen I worked at,and her parents are managers.Hahaha,her dad fired me.LOVELY.So,dating...dating casually...I have a year until I drop off a cliff,I don't need anything serious.I need to concentrate on school,on trombone.On the bright side I'm ranked 100th in my class of 580(top 20%) and my cumulative GPA is 3.67,so academically I'm in great shape.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 23:18:23 GMT

Blind date...eeep...I'm scared

I'm ridiculous freakin' about this COYO audition!!!!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 01:55:24 GMT

I have so much anger coursing through me right now.I'm trembling,and dizzy.The music blasting in my ears is dragging in slow-mo.My body feels heavy.I'm choking.I can feel everything and nothing.I want to cry,I want to scream.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 01:37:21 GMT

*Now you know how I felt.No sympathy from me.I'm the grinch,I have no heart.I keep seeing you,but I never look AT you.

*I see you looking at him with the same disgusted look I have on my own face.No smiles.No kisses.No intertwined fingers.You settled too.He isn't good enough for you.I'll just march beside you with my chin up,and my eyes towards the sky.I won't look at you.I don't want to love you anymore.

*You're not the person I once cared about.You were the first to break my heart.You were the first to turn away.You apolgized,I accept.I can smile at you now,or shout a hello from down the hall.You go your way,and I'll go mine.

*You're dull.You're stubborn.You're spoiled.You have had every door opened wide for you.You're wrapped up in music.You're a lonely soul who doesn't realize it.And yet,I still adore you.I still clutch the stuffed rabbit when I shut my eyes to sleep,and I still miss hearing your voice just before falling softly into slumber.You're not my type.You're out of my league;I'm not good enough for you.You're my perfect opposite,and as much as I want to forget,I can't.You told me to not let you walk away.I've still got you.I still care.

*On and off,you and I.One month I can't stand you,and the next I find myself smiling and talking to you.You're there when everyone else is tired of me.You're a good friend,and a good enemy.

*You're the one person whom I'd like to kill.I see you and my heart leaps into my throat,and tears cloud my vision.My stomach lurches,and I find myself gagging and gasping for breath.I hate you.How does it feel to know you're the only person I fear,the only person I hate,and the only person I wish to die inhumanely?

*I can't put my finger on what makes me uncomfortable with you.You're the definition of awkward.I can't stand your voice.I hate the way you talk down at people,as if they're stupid.I despise how you don't know when to quit.Some things just are.Life just is.There isn't always a purpose.And,I'm NOT interested.

The next person that touches me...I'm going to break their face

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 04:22:32 GMT

The quickest way to make me angry is by touching me uninvited.Touching me while you think I'm asleep and then determining for me that it was something I wanted makes me furious.When I've been telling you for two fucking years that I'm not interested don't force it.Just because you want me...don't convince yourself I want you too.

I'd be a turly satisfied person if I could knock his teeth down his throat with the back of my hand.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 02:00:51 GMT

I'm positive now that there is something wrong with me.Perhaps it is better for me to hate all of you.Perhaps I should abandon all feelings,because at least that way no one gets hurt.Perhaps my heart is bigger than intended to be.Maybe my emotions are supercharged;I think it's like that stupid saying,"Too much of a good thing is a bad thing."

I'm cursed.I'm meant to be that crazy cat lady,who sits on her porch,and throws things at kids as they pass her house.My lawn will never get cut,and I'll have frizzy grey hair that sticks up as if I shoved a fork in an outlet.I'll always wear the same,ugly,flowered nightgown and I'll never wear shoes.That will be me.I'll be the neighborhood bitch.I'll die alone,and the only people attending my funeral will be my sister,and the cashier I harrass at the local grocery store.No one will know I had a heart.I'm the grinch,remember?

I'm a born recluse.I have too much to give to too few people,and even those people are overwhelmed.I frighten them away.I smother them.I love too much?

If I keep to myself I can at least exist,and that alone.Is existing better than not?Many would say so.But,is existing life?If I ignore everyone I'll miss out.If I don't ignore them I'll break hearts and dig myself a deeper hole.

Words are fucking useless.I can't explain the things running through my head.You can't walk in my shoes.You can't understand this.

There is something wrong with me,and I don't know how to fix it.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 01:32:24 GMT

Tell me,is it better that I hate all of you?Or to tolerate all but one person who I care very much about?Because at least the first option doesn't hurt.