wow. i haven't written in this is a while. i guess it's cuz myspace took over the world. but i like going back on here every now and then just to vent out...to complete strangers. things have been umm...well... calm, chaotic, crazy, happy, sad, unbelievable and every feeling possible. i got a job interview for hot topic yesterday. i think it could have went better. i wanna work there because you can wear whatever you want and keep your hair the way you like it. no restrictions. no restrictions. no restrictions. no restrictions. That's what i want. no restrictions. i always go through these little phases. Right now, i just wanna live. i pretty much messed up my high school academics...but im trying to save what i can. i slowly started to like reading. i realized, "why not read rather than stare at the ceiling?" I need to expand my vocabulary and mind. i stopped learning when i was in 9th grade. i stopped caring. i care again. but im afraid it's too late. i don't want to go to some super nice college. i just wanna be able to live a life not living in a box. Getting away without getting away. Getting away from my parents, but staying in the city that i love. that's all i want. i'm not as nice as i thought i was. people bring out the worst in you... Or maybe that person was in me all along. I feel bad that i haven't been there for my friends as much as they have been there for me. I feel like i don't even know what they talk about anymore. we lack communication. I blame this on me for the most part. Me being selfish. But sometimes i feel like there's something i don't know about...something im not supposed to know...quick glances that are full of meaning...facial expressions incomprehensible...and im scared to find out. so i just ignore it, keep quiet and listen in.it's probably all in my head. My best friends. oh man i love them. im not there enough for them either. not because i don't try. but i don't know what to say. Both of them are extremely smart and they don't need my advice. I need them more than they need me. I'm like the black sheep out of all of us. They constantly need to look after me and make sure i make it in life. im so happy i have them and i wouldn't trade them in for anyone in the universe. Sometimes we make remarks that hurt each other... but we get over it fast. That's the way it has to be. Sometimes you need that eye opening remark that hurts... but you know it's for your benefit. My parents. They suck. I mean, im glad they provide me with food, clothing and shelter. but that's all. I don't blame them. I blame their parents. They are the reason why my parents came out this way. I wish it were different. I wish i could have that storybook family. but then again, i remember a genius' words, "you write such pretty words...but life's not storybook". Every family has their flaws... Mine has more than most. But i'll get away from them soon. I plan on sending them money and visiting them every now and then in the future... but that's way more than they deserve. If you guys only knew the half of it. Boys. i've had a tough time will them. They lie and act really well. Not all of them... but most of the ones i've dated. I kind of blame it on myself too. i hate games...but sometimes i play them too. I act uninterested when i really am. And i understand it's difficult when a girl is sending the wrong signals. i guess it's an act of self defense. A wall. to protect me from being hurt. it sounds soooo fucking cliche. but it's true. my old way of handling situations with guys was hitting on them...i'd hit on them and expect them to be my boyfriend....then i'd act like i didn't care...i'd move close..then pull away. Now, i think im worse. i have this even bigger wall up. boys come and go. make out, then never talk again. flirt, then leave. its working really well for me. But it can't be like this forever. if i don't change my ways soon, i'll never experience true love. it's not healthy. this subject is still blurry. Im just waiting. i've been waiting. waiting more won't hurt. music. i love music. it's not my life because i don't live it and play it or anything. But it's a huge part of my life. I've gotten into a habit of analyzing songs. after i analyze it, it means so much more when i listen to it. it's better when you understand a song you're singing. you interpret the artists' words and interpret them in your own way. I'm not one of those people who look for bands or artists no one has ever heard of. I'm pretty comfortable with saying that i listen to pop too. If it's good, what can you do? No one has the right to say "your music taste sucks". Everyone is different. For me, it's emo/screamo/hardcore for the times i feel alive, indie/acoustic for the times when i feel deep and relaxed, pop/electronica/dance for the tiems when i just wanna move, and drum&bass for the times i wanna make up my own words to the beat. please make this phase last. actually, i hope it's not a phase. i want it in reality. pics from the last 2 months.     <-bffs  
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