| CW:126.4 Thats all I have time for. Adios. |
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CW: 128.4 When did I get this out of control? Yesterday morning I felt so torn between recovery and the ED. Today...I'm running to restriction. Intake yesterday B-Oatmeal-130 L-Granola Bar-140 Then I got home, and my day went to hell. I binged at dinner, and made myself throw it up.
And the cycle keeps spinning. But without it...I feel like I've lost who I am. |
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I just can't deal with 'recovery'. First off....I fucking HATE that word. Second off....all it was doing for me was making me a huge fatass. And besides when the eating disorder isn't as strong, I have the tendency to cut more, and thats the last thing I need. The top of my arm is already hacked all to hell. I just couldn't seem to stop... ...so give me some metabolism upping suggestions. I guess I don't really have a choice. I want to get 'better'...but if that means being fat, it's not worth it. I'm doing 600 cals today or less. Back to this.... CW: Like One Twenty fucking nine. Also...are digital scales better than the analog ones? My digital (Along with all the other digital ones I've had) seems to give me a 4 lb weight fluctuation in about 3 seconds time. Maybe a new battery? I'll update later with my intake. I need to be doing that again. |
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Thats how I feel. Fighting with my boyfriend + Putting my dog I've had for 13 years to sleep+ trying to recover= Not a very good week. I feel like shit. ED...here I come. |
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*SCREAM* All I want is to cut every ounce of fat off of my body with a knife. I can't do this 'healthy eating' bullshit. It's pissing me off. Maybe I'm just one of those 'constitutionally incapable' people the 12-step programs talk about.
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