pour out through me

Rendered speechless yet with everything spilling out of my heart? Where is it going if not out of my mouth? Circles around inside of me until I either let it build up or just sort it out. Usually I'd let it build up, but lately Ive come learn that thats truly the hard way. Yet, for some reason I still let it go on. Its like, if I hold it inside, I'm not prone to feel foolish once it comes out. Hmm. So, I notice a lot of the close people in my life I can usually talk to are men. I used to complain to God that I never had any men in my life to relate to and learn from on their level. You know that saying "Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it?" Quote much applicable here.  I wrote in a much previous entry(mightve been just myspace considering I was glued to that thing like white on rice) about my relationships with men, my past and my relationship with God. Well, One of my biggest fears is being abandonded because from the first physical male human in my life up to present, all men I've care about the most have up and left me for some reason beyond my understanding(atleast back then it wasnt my understanding).

I've been reading this book called "No One Like Him" by Thomas A. Jones. If yall know me any, you know I balance a few books at a time. So this book I actually intertwined with "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. So Jones' book (so far) talks about how Jesus calls us to be abandonded. "For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." Philippians 1:21 So, while I have this going on, I have Miller talking about his dad abandoning his family and such. I havent gotten past the first chapter, I just started. (As far as I can remember, right?) Okay anyways, so its all hitting me like a brick house. I've always struggled with this because I cling to certain men easily. I havent figured out which men it might be but I know that the feeling is that of someone ripping a part of my insides out of me. A part of me that is crucial to my exsistance. For those who know what I'm talking about know how hard it is to let go of this and move past it. I have my own little comfort zones, like the rest of us do. And even as I type this I feel like something is being torn inside. Like, why expose myself. I feel like I should write about something happy and fuzzy bunny like but honestly, not everything in life is all fuzzy bunnies. Sorry, going off track(as if I had one in the first place.) My heart, my entire heart isnt together. It is in a billion little pieces spread out in diffferent places. Its with false idols, its with distractions from scripture and quite times with God, its with this computer, its with finding my future husband, its with getting what I want. My heart has Tina written all over it, yet it doesnt know His name. It doesnt fully know who this Creator is. It doesnt fathom the Love that is the very essense of this creation. It doesnt know HOW to and therefore cannot love another properly, the way He intended it to be. Chasing safety without the safety net. I need to let go and let God. I need to chase something that holds promise for tomorrow not regrets for the past. As in, if it isnt Christ centered, it needs to be otherwise I fear the results.

Last night I watched this thing on Aquire The Fire. I saw this thing a few years back, only it was a different topic. This time they talked about proclaiming the gospel to the whole world. Three times this week I was presented with this verse and ATF touched on this verse which is what sent my confirmation clear. “Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:19-20)  Ive wanted to be a missionary, work with the homeless, and troubled kids since before I can remember. All of this wrapped into one category I have never been able to find. School doesnt have it just for one career. I was almost lost here. A while back I felt called to Africa. Then I felt God tell me the US needs people here too. Now, I am not even going to worry about that because He will lead me. I remember reading the Jesus Freak book that dc Talk wrote a while back. As my eyes read these words off thick ridged paper my imagination captivated the story as if I were the one involved. I cried. I questioned. This was a book about people being matyred for their faith. But, something that twinkled in me was their discription of the Holy Spirits peace as they were being tortured, stoned, kicked, beaten, and killed. People around them came to know Christ because of their peace and joy. It reminds me of Paul the Apostle in jail and how he won the roman guards over to Christ. But these people felt SO strong about something they have never physically seen before and they were willing to die for it. That completely blows my mind. I used to be afraid that this was how my life was going to be. I used to fear God would call me to a country where its dangerous to live out your faith. I used to cry thinking of dying for something I believe in. Now, I know thats a risk I must take. I might never have to make it to that level, but I need to be ready incase I do. "I wanna be your hands, wanna be your feet, I'll go where you send me." (Audio Adrenaline)

So when its all said and done, in the end, its not about me. Its about who God saves through me.

thunderstorms of my heart

I gave up myspace for lent(cant you tell?) I have caved a few times since my conviction. At one point I had gotten completely mad at myself and broke to tears just thinking how I have no moderation and self control sometimes. It always has to come down to the Lord taking something away when it becomes bigger than He is in my life. I came to a point where I would catch myself asking questions like, "Why doesnt this person have to stay off myspace?" This reminds me of when I was a child and my mother would make me take a nap. I'd ask her why all of my friends didnt have to take naps. It bothered me even more so because of one specific time I was 9 years old and didnt understand why as a 9 yr old I needed a nap. I certainly wasnt tired.

Tonight we had a pretty bad thunderstorm as I was fixing with myspace and I swear I was convinced those big booms and loud flashes were because I was disobeying God. I felt like Adam, hiding from God in the garden because he knew he did wrong.

Well, a slew of thoughts just scrolled through my mind at once about how I caved and went on myspace, about missing people, about control of things not within my grasp, everything. One that stood bold wasnt one of my own thoughts. It was a small voice saying, "I forgive you" and tears just formed as I felt the power of those three words and I just said, "I know Lord, but WHY?" and then I just sat here in awe cause its so humanistic to always ask WHY? "Be still and know that I am God" doesnt sit well with us often.

I've been struggling with a lot lately and admist the clouds I certainly can see the Son. I can feel His power. I can feel His love among my crap attitude. I am learning. I am a work in progress.

God has been teaching me something pretty big. He wants ALL of my heart. Not little pieces, medium or large size pieces. He wants my WHOLE heart. He wants everything I do to be for Him. I constantly hear this being preached but never have I felt its power. Until now. Im slowly learning to give up the things only I want and surrender them to what He wants. Its definately not easy and no one ever said it would be, but atleast we got His Spirit to guide us each step of the way. "God will never give you anything you cannot handle on your own without the Holy Spirit." So true. God wants ALL of your heart. Are you willing?

somewhere between salvation and perfection

I can see the moon outside my window. Floresant white cuddled by dark. To know the One who created this magnificent piece is more than anything I could ever want in life. I am a fortunate soul. I am a beautiful disaster entertwinded in His Robes of Righteousness. I am a lost sheep returned to its Shepard. I am continually being sanctified by the Holy Spirit, yet I wander addled and disarray.

I watched a man preach a sermon on some christian channel the other day. He was humorous to the point where I was in sitches from laughing so hard but held a serious content in his message that grapped my attention and focused in on Gods word. He made a good analogy. He took a map and crumpled it up. He said, sometimes we are like maps. The manufacturer created that map, folded it a certain way so that it was firmly creased and easy to maintain. God is our manufacturer. He has folded us so perfectly. However, the effects of sin have crumpled us and made us a map of confusion. A map that doesnt know which way to be folded. This reminds me of myself. I know I am not the only one out there either. I dont know how I am folded. I often get to frusterated with my ignorance that I crumple myself up even more. But, along our paths to perfection, God will send us people to help us figure out our creases. Bible studies, church groups, fellowship, ect. I often look at myself and cringe at how I am and wonder what is going on here but I dont see me as God sees me. I think I have so much backwards that I dont know how to go forward. But, I know God is working behind the scenes and even though I dont see it, I walk by faith. This makes me think of others out there. "Hey, I can relate to your crumpledness(I need to find better words here), maybe we can work together?" Its just something I am trying to work out here. As I read more books, more Relevant magazine articles, listen to more sermons, I begin to evaluate my thinking pattern and the ways of my heart. Im starting to realize theres a lot more out there than what I already know. Theres this extremely wide range of ideas, realities, truths, opinions, and lifestyles in accordance with our walks with Jesus.

Anyways, my thoughts are beginning to scatter and I chuckle at the fact that I am uploading an episode of "You Cant Do That on Television as my eyelids are dancing with the floor. Tina you are getting oolldd.

goodnight<3

mmm

blah blah blah blah

mmm so true. myspace has taken over my life. i am done til i feel God tells me i can handle it without needing it. "if you cant live without something, it probably means you should." i am not using capitolization at this point. this is a capitolized free zone yo. earlier i felt like making a private entry just to let everything out but then i felt better and lost the will to do so. i often wonder, "am i solving the symptoms rather than the problem?" i hardly think i fully understand that entirely anyways. i guess i am sitting here, thinking, feeling, thinking, ect. theres a lot that goes on inside my mind that i want to just release. i bottle things up too much until i cant hold it anymore and i am broken down in tears and prayer with God and He comforts me. i often hold things inside that i want to tell others as well. "For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." (matt 12:34) but sometimes its just so hard because i get scared of what someone will think. i want to say everything on my heart, but its not always easy. half the time i dont know how to word things, i dont know which thought to process, i dont know how to express myself. all i know is...its in me. its all inside of me. but so is the love of Christ.