Well today i just got home and I am happy, sad, And everthing in-bewteen.Okay my weekend starts off......
F r i d a y 1 2 : 0 0 P.m
Well i was supposed to chill with Casey today but She has these things called "plans" so that was just shot beacuse she couldn't cancel.So i went to my friend Chris' and we had a pretty damn good time at his place. But we always have fun there.....I just guess it was hilarious beacuse i was gone and i haven't seen him in ages even when i was home....So we chilled out and talked about my life and his life in general..I was asking about his relationship with his Girlfriend Maranda.(Who is really neato!) And they have almost been going out for five months now...I was like holy shit. 5 months....That's half a year....Thats a damn long time! So Chris and Maranda Happy 5 months!! And then we went and saw the movie "Hellboy".I was so Dissapointed beacuse i read all the comics and the movie sucked!! Ahh well...But i got to hang out with all of my friend who i miss alot...And i got to see Tara.You know i never thought about this but i think i might have liked her.And chris told me how she was pretty "Flirtacious".But tara and i are just friends but we have alot of fun together..I just don't see my self being with her beacuse she always talks about someone else she likes than myself....
S a t u r d a y.....S o m e t i m e A r o u n d...9 ?...
I woke up and jesus did my head hurt! I took 2 aspin and went back in the spare bedroom.I was so bored beacuse Chris wasn't awake yet so i just stayed back in the bedroom.I feel it is a sin to be awake before 9 a.m on a saturday..But hey thats just me So i studied This book he gave me about Rudiments and hand exercises for the drums...Well just the snare rather.And i was praticing alot and i thought about some stuff and eventually fell back asleep..But four minutes later i awoke to a retchid type of phone call we all know and love as bill collectors.Being the light sleeper that i am..It ruined the moment.Well i took a shower and what not and then woke crhis' ass up.Went on his computer and Duked it out with Casey....Okay..I was "Supposed" To see her today....Mind you it was only 11:00 a.m! when we were fighting about how i am an asshole beacuse i didn't see her today..Im like "umm...I was going to see you today!" But she didn't give me two secondsto even awsner myself.Before i knew it she went off on one of her little "Tanturms" and got aggrivated and "Tired" of everything about me. And somehow we broke up..Agian but im not see how you can break up with someone when there not really going Out but hey whatever...So by this point i was horribly pissed off.Beacuse believe it or not i really DO Love Casey just she trys to be so demanding and wear the "Pants" In the realtionship and i just don't like that.So...Let me not digress from this tale of mine.Around 5...We went to Chris' girlfriend "Maranda's House".It is huge..i wish i could be lucky to live in a house like that.
Well, We played Uno and it was the most complex set of rules i have ever played with in my life..I fucked up every six seconds...Lol.I was like " " all the time.Then we had alot of fun with this game and correct me if im worng But it is called...Ahem..."Pu Fer Ae Ding Ding".It was awkwardley amuseing.I had to ring this bell and Speeing tickets and....Stop lights it was just weird.Those damn germans and there crazy games....So we went to "Gameworks".I was like oh....DDR time! So we had alot of fun and i whopped there ass in this driving game.But then chris and i played DDR and we um...Did horrible. I haven't played in almost 8 months and for Chris' its been a year...Well playing on pad that is. So we did horrible and i was so depressed in myself...::Shakes head:: man i sucked.So then we went home around 12:00ish and Went right to sleep....
S u n d a y ...10:00 a. m::Hits alarm::.........S u n d a y 2:1 5 p. m. Dum Dum Dummmm!
Oh shit!@ Today is my brother's birthday.....I rush to the phone and call my mother to come and pick me up.I promised her I would have been home early but i wasn't .So i got home and we had this little shindig and it was weird.Well i was going home soonso we decided well...My brother decided he wanted McDonalds for dinner.....What a cheap date.Well now that i moved i didn't have to listen to my mom bicker all the time but when i got in the van it was like old times...She bitched about everything and i just got in this hateful mood..We got to McDonalds and my grandmother and Aunt were there. Nowi hate my aunt so i was in a bad mood already....But things got worse...Horribly worse.Well we ordered food and i got something and it came with fries.We this fuckin bird came and ate my fried im like "You son of a bitch!" and i acually hit the mother fucker. i think i broke his leg...But he ate my fries! lol So then we were done and i got in the car with my grandmother...a.k.a my legal Gurardian now. And her and i got into this thing about my grandfather....We both ended up crying and i wanted to kill someone.Well we got home and i tryed plugging in my PC a.k.a My computer............Nothing.......Okay....Trys agian........Nothing.........My computer is now broken.....And i quote this is just about what i said..."Shit! you piece of @#%^ I @#$#$ Hate you oh God Damnit!"
And i got even more pissed.Well no one in my family but me is taking my grandfather's death well so my aunt wanted me to go to this group "Session" with her at Hospice(A place you go to when a family member is dieing and they take care of the family until the member dies.).Well i jsut sat there and she poured this guts into this lady.She wrote something down and asked me if i had anthing to say..I just waved my hand and told her to just go right along.Of course she thought i was in denille so she called this shrink guy to talk to me...Haha he got what this poor poor man Deserved. He examend me from head to toe.....My chains My 4 rows of belts..My jet black hair my earrings..And wen't "Well....How are you?" and then shit hit the fan.I usually like don't talking to these people but this was diffrent.We talked about my life in general and how i have no girlfriend and what happened with them all and how my attitiude is recently.Make a even longer story short he told me i have alot of anger and depression and im not showing it but when i do i take it out on the people i care about the most. So i thought about that for a moment and we went back to talking.....He gave me relationship advice and I told him to blow it out his ass.But he made me talk so much about Casey..Im like "Dude it was only a couple of weeks Jesus get off tha topic we just broke up okay! Im not dealing with it to well".And then Complete scilence.I jsut told this guy off and he said something that hurt even worse.
He says "You loved her didn't you?" I said.."Yeah i did...Alot." And he asked me next.."Was she your first girlfriend?" I looked at him like he was nuts and i said "Hell no....But she was the first for me to say i love you too." he looked at me like i had Eighty heads...he said "Buddy....You said i love you in less than a week?" I angrly said "Yes...Is that a fuckin' problem...Look i loved this girl okay..." and i got into it about this subject he kept digging into. i said next "She ment the world to me...In the shortest time she made my life what she could heaven....She was everything i wanted and then some....And....(I got choked up)....I...I fucked up and i was wrong. And i told her i didn't know if when i said i love you if i meant it." he looked at me and Just glared. He looked at me and opened his mouth and didn't speak....Then finally he said "Well, Did you try apologizeing?".I gave him a look like he was retarted and he knew i did.He looked at me and Said the following. "Zack....You need to realize how bad of a person you can be.And the things you are doing to yourself aren't helping.Your grandfather's death isn't the thing that is hurting you...It the relationship you have with Casey.."
I said .."Go on..You have my attention." He began agian "You have so much pent up anger you need to get out and you have told me about you'r daily life and you'r depressions and Anger sessions.But what you need to realize is you'r losing something Dearly to you.Someone you care about." Then i said "Casey? i've only know her for 2 weeks and you can tell all of that? Geeze you can read me like a book doc." I was floored. That is exactly how i felt. I went to speak but he went on.."Zack you'r a nice boy...Strange but nice...(I laughed) You have so many ambitions and dreams..You need to stop being so negitive all the time and go and do them.Become a drummer for you'r band and be a sucessful artist but what i want to say is this. Through are session here you were telling me how you hate all the anger and fighting about everyone.You hate how everyone takes it out on you..But you took it out on Casey.All beacuse you didn't know what to do.Well, You need to apologize" and i abruptly stopped him. I said "What and the fuck are you talking aobut?"
He said "Didn't fight for a while with her?" and i said "Yeah for a day or so and then i made her pissed beacuse i said i wasn't shure about the love thing." He told me something next that made me really REALLY think...."Zack maybe you loved too much...Not too little You weren't shure how muh beacuse you have never felt that way before correct?" I nodded with disbelief. he went on "And what you'r doing is digging an even bigger hole for yourself...If you love her tell her if you miss her tell her..Don't just sit around and be depressed admit you were wrong..That's all she wants.For you just say "Checkmate"..So for me..Tell her you'r sorry and for the love of god pull yourself together and make it the best you can" i was quiet and the spoke softly "I don't think she wants me back....." He said "What do you have to loose? You heart agian to a woman who made You'r life 10 times better?"
and i went home slept on it and thought...Damn..He's right.So here it goes......
Casey......I'm sorry for hurting you.I'm sorry for being such a dick to you.I don't want to let you go and i don't want to just be friends.I may have been harsh to you and i have been depressed lately for this passed month.When i met you you turned that around but although you helped..... but, the darkness grew.I couldn't take it anymore and i snapped.I beacame something i hated. I put my "Seal" back up around me and completely shut my emotions out..And you.It's not fair for you.All you gave was love and i rejected it. Why? beacuse i felt you wouldn't feel the same once you met me...I felt this was just a game beacuse why should I..Me..Zack deserve to feel so happy?Why should Zack get such love and attention? Why? I don't know why but im thankful as hell i had it. I jus't didn't understand.I always wanted to meet a girl who Liked me for me...and i was still searching but i didn't realize what i had found......It was you.If you hate me i understand but know my arms my tatterd arms and heart are always ALWAYS open for you.As wipped as this sounds i really do love you.The hamster inside had died without you......I need you now more than ever and you apologized to me and im doing it now. Casey....I love you and i can't wake up without hearing you say dog...Or washing machine...You are the love of my life and i fucked up reallllllllllllll bad.And i miss you...So much so.
But if you can understand and im not expecting you to.....I'm just saying Checkmate....You win. And im sorry for what i did...I never ever thought i would say "I love you" to someone and mean it with such force like i do with you now.....Casey you were the greatest girl i ever said anything too.We talked though some deeeeeep shit and i can't just let that go....So if you ever forgive me i am here.
And i hope the next guy dosen't fuck with you'r emotions and makes you happy as hell...Beacuse i should have done that and i didn't.......Casey.....i love you.Goodbye for now until we meet agian...But Swallow the knife beacuse that was our best mistake.....
Im done...I have nothing left to say...But this....Today is a new day and i am reborn but for ever i remain in this shadow growing wings..... | 
