a lot of people read my weblogs, and never comment. i am pointing this out because unlike many of you, i recognize that my ED has basically taken control of my life. i see some of you in the stage that i used to be- where it was an obsession but it was something i felt as though *i* controlled. however it has spiraled into something much more unfortunate. now every decision i make is surrounded by this lingering insufficiency. i will never be pretty enough. i will never eat enough or not enough to satisfy myself.

oi. i finally scheduled a psychiatric eval on august fifth. i am going to get lithium for my bipolar disorder. hooray =]] it was really hard but i'm quite proud of myself for finally taking that step. i need to change, it's no longer an option. i am not living this way. i'm not.

Currently Listening Hello Destiny By Goldfinger see related

i spend so much money on food i end up puking.

when i drink coffee i feel bloated and i don't want to eat. but that's a good thing. if i drink coffee and that's it, maybe a little nondairy creamer and some splenda, my hunger will leave me alone and it's minimal in calories.

i can't do this to myself anymore and i've been saying that for over a year and it's time to finally act on it. it's effecting work. it's effecting my relationships with friends. it's effecting my lack of a romantic relationship. if effects everything. i just want to fucking SCREAM and be skinny already and stop obsessing over food and stop binging and purging.

shouldn't be a problem with the drinking anymore. i won't drink, not in the navy. i was sexually assaulted while i was passed out drunk last weekend. my friend witnessed it and kicked the boy out. he tried to wake me and it didn't work. so he let me sleep and told me what he saw the next day. i can't drink anymore. i can't eat anymore. it's cigarettes and coffee for me, from now on. and lots of water. the desert kind of makes that necessary.'

Currently Listening Sha Sha By Ben Kweller see related

i am so in love with rennen.

he knows it. and he tells me he loves me. and he does. sincerely. as a friend.

because rennen already knows who he is going to marry.

but he'll still text me telling me he misses me. and hug me extra tight when we say goodnight. and kiss me, but only on the cheek.

because rennen already knows who he is really in love with. he's so honest and it drives me even more crazy.

he treats me like i deserve to be treated and it drives me even more crazy.

he tells me i shouldn't take the shit that all these fuckin military boys give me and it drives me even more crazy.

i don't want to take their crap, i want to tell him, now i know i don't have to because you point out all these beautiful things about myself that i never see.  you are one of the funniest, most intelligent people i've met and you choose to spend time with me above all people. we'll get drunk and laugh at each other and lay together the entire night. and it will be completely innocent, you'll hold me. 'i love you, danny. i really mean that'.

FUCK THIS

i am so fucking sick of binging and purging. i act like it's normal. i tell myself that it's the only logical solution when i'm hungry but i don't want to gain weight. i lose control of how much i eat. i'll fucking go to the galley and get as much food as i possibly can just to see it end up in the toilet. it's fucking insane, i'm neurotic.

i was doing so well on my fast until they told me i had to pay $900 to replace this thermostat. 900?!! there's no way in hell i can afford that. i realized i won't be able to go home and see my family, i won't even meet my baby neice until next christmas and i still haven't met her. i'm only nineteen. all these worries and anxiety came flowing into my head and before i knew it i was eating away my issues.

two cupcakes. a sandwich. a chili cheese dog. onion rings. ravioli. cole slaw. salad with extra ranch and cheese.  ranch flavored pretzels. nacho cheese combos. i managed to eat all of this within an hour and sneak off to the bathroom.

i purged it all. i feel like a complete fatass. it's so humiliating. and i do this shit *daily*...