ValerieBenavidez's Xanga

Gabriel's 10th Birthday! "With the cross of Jesus going on before!"

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 14:28:08 GMT

     This is a tribute to a precious boy, our dear son, who was born 10 years ago today, and to our gracious God, who in His wisdom, took him to his eternal home when he was 6 years old. As I was remembering him this morning, I saw a spiritual lesson lived out by Gabriel's attitude toward his brain tumor and approaching death. He exemplified Psalm 60:12 : "Through our God we shall do valiantly, and it is He who will tread down our adversaries." As he lived the 8 months from diagnosis to death, it was as if he verbalized this determination: "Whatever is happening to me, I don't really understand, but it's not getting the best of me! I'm meeting it head on! Onward Christian Soldiers!" Onward Christian Soldiers was the hymn of his life. We sang it every night at bedtime, and he would hold his hands up high in the shape of a cross. "With the cross of Jesus going on before."
     It began with the MRI that confirmed the diagnosis of a terminal brain stem glioma. They wanted to put him out, thinking that a wiggly 5 year old wouldn't be able to lie motionless for a 45 minute scan. With the skill of his debater older brother Michael and sister, Renee, he convinced them he certainly could, and would hold still! And he did it, with Richard and I each leaning halfway into the MRI machine, tightly clinging to one of his hands.
     During each of his more that 30 daily radiation treatments, when the nurse would call his name, he would barrel full steam down the hallway toward the radiation room, laughing at the nurses' response. After each scary radiation treatment where he would be strapped to the table and left completely alone in the room, he would shout, "Boo!", to scare the technician when she came back in to unstrap him. Again, because of his determination, he was able to forgo the standard procedure of children his age, which was to be put to sleep for each daily treatment. Everyone involved was amazed at his level of cooperation and determination. We were able to see clearly that God was with us in a very tangible way, supplying strength, fortitude and courage where none humanly existed. "With the cross of Jesus going on before!"
     Gabriel lived the next 8 months with total gusto, meeting life head on. We never saw him once waver, harbor fear or self-pity. As the brain tumor grew, his physical abilities deteriorated. Nonchalantly, he explained away each disability. When his friend, Joel, pointed out that he was drooling (he even lost the ability to swallow), he airily dismissed it with, "Oh, it's just my new habit." Two days before he died, I wheeled him around the back yard in a wheelchair. In spite of knowing his legs no longer supported his weight, he valiantly planted his feet in the grass and tumbled out the the chair onto the lawn in his extreme desire to run and play. As Richard lifted him back into the chair, with determination in his voice, he slurred the words, "Tomorrow I will run and walk!" At exactly 7:00 a.m. two mornings later, he breathed his last on earth.
     Now, as we continue to live out our earthly lives, with determination, we too, hold our hands up high in the shape of the cross, and declare, "With the cross of Jesus going on before!"

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Sat, 12 Nov 2005 23:10:42 GMT

     We are celebrating Gabriel's would-be 8th earthly birthday today. But of course, He is outside the realm of time, where birthdays are no longer counted. It's awesome to me to consider where he is now, whom he is with, and what he's doing. What have his eyes seen? My son has looked on the face of Jesus, the Savior of the world. Incredible.
Thinking about him is still very painful. Remembering the pain and suffering he had to go through hurts. We miss him every day. But there's also much joy and celebration as we remember his birth 8 years ago.
     Richard and I were in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, resting up for the birth of our soon-to-be son. But a phone call came from home. He was born one month early! Richard rushed up to the front desk of the hotel saying very excitedly, "We have to leave now! Our son was just born!" The desk clerk got a horrified look on his face, and in a shocked voice, asked, "Now? Here? In your room?" We still get a laugh from that memory.
     The first time I laid eyes on him in the hospital, Alejandra, his precious birth mother, was holding him. Being the adopting mother, I was unsure of my place and wanted to respect her position. I asked her if I could hold him. She stood up, placed him in my arms, and said, "Eres tu la mama." (You're his mother.) What amazing love she had for him. Her heart was breaking, having just given birth to him a day earlier, knowing this was what she had to do; this was what was best for him. It became a wonderful way for us much later to share with him how very much he was loved, and tell him the special way God had placed him into our family. Today I want to give a tribute to our querida Alejandra, who loved Gabriel enough to give him to a family who could care for him. How much she exemplified the sacrificial love of God. Thank you, Ale, from the bottom of our hearts, for the gift of our son.

Many of you know the special significance 2 Corinthians 4:16-5:4 has for us; how God used these verses when Gabriel was sick to give us a beautiful picture of the truth of what was really going to happen to Gabriel. He wasn't going to die, he was going to be swallowed up in LIFE. Now that he's gone, it's become our theme song, our shining hope. Dan Risucci, the worship leader at our church, Hope Chapel in Citrus Heights, has written a beautiful song based on these verses.

Swallowed Up By Life

It is written, no eye has seen, it is told, no ear has heard
It's true, no mind has known, what God has prepared for you

Absent from the body, at home with the Lord
Clothed with immortality burdened here no more
Light has shown out of darkness the glory of God in the face of Christ
We shall be at home with Him, swallowed up by life

This is our faith, this is our hope
This is our strength to face tomorrow
This is our joy, this is our peace
          This is His promise...no more sorrow
...& He gave His life for all those who will receive....

Your treasure is kept above, where the world...cannot destroy
Where time...cannot waste away, what God has prepared for you

Absent from the body, at home with the Lord
Clothed with immortality burdened here no more
Light has shown out of darkness the glory of God in the face of Christ
We shall be at home with Him, swallowed up by life

This is our faith, this is our hope
This is our strength to face tomorrow
          This is our joy, this is our peace
          This is His promise...no more sorrow
          He is the Way, He is the Truth
          He is the Life abundantly
          We are His bride, we are His joy
          We are His children now set free

          & He gave His life for all those who will receive...
          Yes, He gives His life to all those who will believe

Happy Birthday, Dear Gabriel

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Sun, 06 Nov 2005 21:18:31 GMT

How sweet it is - this life, gifted to me by my Creator - Lover. He has lovingly crafted every experience that comes my way expressly for the purpose of helping me to see Him; to know Him better.

Do you know how to live? Can you see His loving Hand in everything that happens to you?

     Hope has become the dominant theme in my life. What is this hope? Most emphatically, it is not wishful thinking. It has a solid basis. It is an assurance of what will happen. It has as it's base the character of God, His mercy and grace towards me, a sinful child.

   Titus 3:4-8a   "But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal (who of us doesn't want and need renewal?) by the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by His grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. This is a trustworthy saying."

     This hope has become "an anchor for my soul, firm and secure." Heb. 6:19

   This hope enables me to view life as sometimes unbearably sweet. I believe that all suffering, pain, grief and loss of every kind, as well as every joy has incredible meaning for me.   It's none other than the indelible fingerprints of my God, lovingly etched on my life.

Sweet.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Sun, 10 Jul 2005 19:46:01 GMT

Praise to God for a Loving Hope

"In His great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade--kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."
1 Peter 1:3-9

On this first anniversary of Gabriel's being swallowed up by life (see 2 Cor. 5:4) we are determined as a family to cling to and rejoice in our living hope. We revel in the joy inexpressible of the salvation of our souls. We refuse to let Satan rob us of our joy. This morning, just after we had determined and voiced this, on our way out of the driveway to go to church, this precious little kitten pictured above, darted under the car and we ran over him. The horror of it shook us all, as we helplessly watched his death throes.
Nevertheless, hours later, standing in front of Gabriel's grave, we again determined together to:
1) view this life as a precious but temporary gift not to be clung to.
2) hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful (Hebrews 10:23).
3) consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus our Lord.
4) Rejoice that Gabriel is is heaven with Jesus.
We will be victorious, for Christ has already won the victory and conquered death. Please join with us and let's glory only in the cross.

I can't see Gabriel's face, but I know beyond the shadow of a doubt where he is and Who he's with, and it's only because of the cross of Jesus.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Mon, 14 Mar 2005 01:01:56 GMT

Following after Jesus (O blessed occupation) is a choice I'm finding needs to be made innumerable times. I must daily, consciously choose to go against the grain of what my self wants, to think with His mind, to accept His sovereignty and therefore to embrace every life situation and circumstance as being personally gifted to me by the God of grace and love, to consider even the most mundane task or sacrifice of self will as an opportunity to offer to the Lord of Love.

Another choice I have to make daily is to consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. In his book, "Don't Waste Your Life", John Piper says, " Life is wasted if we do not grasp the glory of the cross, cherish it for the treasure that it is, and cleave to it as the highest price of every pleasure and the deepest comfort in every pain." "One thing matters: Know Christ and gain Christ."

One thing losing Gabriel has done for me is put things into a different perspective. Life no longer seems stretched out interminably before me, this world no longer seems like my home. I'm learning to cherish the cross, for by it I can know and gain Christ, my true Home.

(I believe there will be opportunities in heaven for snuggling and reading aloud, don't you?)

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Tue, 15 Feb 2005 19:43:07 GMT

I'm enjoying my daughter so much right now. Yesterday, Valentine's Day, after I woke up and stumbled down the hall, I noticed little white somethings all down the hall. I turned on the hall light and saw a trail of tiny paper hearts, going down the hall, down the stairs and into the kitchen. Following it, they led me to a beautiful handmade card. Thank you, Renee, that was very sweet, and fun too! (So that's what you were doing in your bedroom the night before, painstakingly cutting out all those hearts!)

This picture was taken two years ago, at the Azusa Pacific Debate Tournament. Madison Clark was his buddy there. Tomorrow we leave for Azusa, for the fourth tournament in which we've participated. This will be the first one without Gabriel, and Michael, too, for that matter, as he's at Patrick Henry College, hopefully going to the next level in debate.
This year is full of "firsts".
Remembering back to last year, Gabriel had just finished radiation therapy, and was still recovering from it's effects on his energy level. He was playing a game of soccer with some other kids outside Wilden Hall, and Richard, watching out for him, advised him to take it easy. He very earnestly replied, "But, Dad, this is my team! I can't let my team down!" That was my indominitable son, whom we will sorely miss this weekend.
Who will play with little green army men on the stairs of Wilden Hall?

Thank You, Lord, for the memories of dear Gabriel.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Wed, 22 Dec 2004 17:38:35 GMT

I'd always heard that Christmas is especially hard for those who are grieving. We are now experiencing this first hand. Everything we do and see brings back vivid memories of what Gabriel was experiencing last year at this time. The Christmas cookies aren't getting eaten nearly so fast. There aren't any tanks or G.I. Joes under the tree. It all threatens to overwhelm me, so that I can't see the light and joy of the season. The last Bible verse Gabriel memorized was Mark 12:28-31: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.
When I turn from the circumstances of my life to Truth, that which is way more solid and real than what I see, my hope and strength are renewed.

Micah 7:7 But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.
Titus 2:13 while we wait for the blessed hope--the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Hebrews 6:19 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.
2 Peter 3:13 But in keeping with his promise we are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth, the home of righteousness.

Lord, it belongs not to my care
Whether I die or live;
To love and serve is my share,
And this Thy grace must give.

If life be long, I will be glad,
That I may long obey
If short - then why should I be sad
To soar to endless day?

This Christmas promises to be sweet with Gabriel's memory and the truth of all the riches of hope and grace we enjoy in Jesus, who is the Truth.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Mon, 06 Dec 2004 00:55:47 GMT

Michael got his wisdom teeth out last week, and true to form (when he was 7 years old and we were studying the American Indians, we gave him the Indian name, Lips-That-Run-Like-The-River, because that's what they did) when he came out of the general anesthesia, but was still under the influence, he jabbered non-stop, like a true debater. He was so hilarious, I grabbed a pen and recorded what he said. (I have his permission to tell you this) Now, mind you, his mouth is filled with bloody gauze, so he sounds like, well, like he's got a mouth full of bloody gauze. When I first saw him, he was laughing, but it sounded funny and I thought he was sobbing, so I ran up to him to comfort him, and he said, "This is great, I could get used to this stuff.!...I'm feeling festive!.....Is this what it feels like to be drunk?" The nurse kept telling him to stop talking and bite down on the gauze to stop the bleeding, but he kept giggling and talking. I told him to listen to the nurse and be quiet. He waved his hand in the air and said, "You are dismissed from our royal presence......(piped music over intercom) This smooth jazz is killing me, we need some Ray Charles here.....(Then, in a very conspiratorial tone, he leaned closer, and said) ...Elvis is still alive, he's across the street with Jim Morrison, and Paul McCartney IS dead. It's all on the cover of the Abbey Road album." At this point, the nurse told us what he could and couldn't eat. He said, "I guess Jack Daniel's is out of the question" I said, "Hey, maybe the stuff they gave you is truth serum, I'll get you to reveal all!" He answered, "I have nothing to hide, nothing to hide." Then, his tone changed, and he said, "You won't get a word out of me, Communist Scum!"
He sang all the way home, and 30 minutes later, didn't remember having said any of this.
By the way, if you have to get your wisdom teeth out, take the homeopathic remedy called Arnica Montana. Michael didn't even swell up at all.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Wed, 17 Nov 2004 00:51:01 GMT

Ascribe to the Lord glory and strength.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Tue, 16 Nov 2004 23:36:47 GMT

Bodega Bay Nov. 12, 2004
"I know I said I wanted a house on the beach, but don't you think this one has a bit too much fresh air?"

God is so good. We had a wonderful time together, walking on the beach, watching movies in a cozy beach house while it stormed outside,(we could barely hear during the viewing of Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds, what with Michael protesting loudly about lack of plot development and suspension of belief beyond belief) (It's true, it wasn't as good as I remembered it being when I saw it about 42 years ago), playing games, eating and reading.
On the way home, we listened to a sermon on suffering by John Piper. These following thoughts came to me out of what he said:

Those of you who read about Gabriel's cancer and untimely death, don't consider it a tragedy that we lost him, that he died so young, seemingly on the brink of his life. That was a sovereign tumor that took him. Not an accident, not a catastrophe, but a means of God for good of which we could never fully see the extent. He means it for good, just like He meant it for good in Joseph's life. It was the sovereign plan of God that Joseph was sold into slavery. God meant it to happen. Without full understanding, or lacking trust in the complete and loving sovereignty of God, you would say that what happened to Joseph was a tragedy. You would say what happens to a family when a 6 year old boy gets a terminal tumor in his brain is a tragedy. That's not true. Here's what's true: Who are we to look at what God does and be able to even begin to fathom all that He purposes in what He chooses to do? God was not surprised by that tumor. He lovingly fashioned it. That's a strong statement. Does it sound absurd and harsh to you? How could it be otherwise? If it's not true that God fashioned that tumor, then He is not all sovereign, there are things beyond His control. May it never be! He is all loving, all knowing. His purposes are unfathomable and above all, He is completely trustworthy. That's a rock to stand on in times of trouble. That's an anchor for the soul in the storms of life. That's the joy that can come out of mourning. That's death being swallowed up by life.

Thank you for your prayers for us over the weekend. We love you all.