Alright...I know, I know , I know...it has been a very very very very long time since I posted anything on here, or anywhere for that matter.....it is very busy around the Chez Van lately, and by the time I get home at nights, have dinner, relax, and put a two year old down for the night, I am ready to go down fo rthe night as well.  Lots of thoughts have been lost, and I am sure they were nuggets as always...(joking), but I have pretty much given up on trying to stay as active as I had been until somethings get sorted out.

Sooo.....first the update stuff....I am looking for a house with "the Girl" after sharing quarters between each of our shared accomodations for the last year or so, it is time to take that next baby step and see if we can live together without killing each other....lol  Seriously, too many people crammed into several different places and spaces, with never enough privacy, never enough alone time, never enough room for stuff, it starts to grate on your nerves, starts to tear at a relationship, and leave you with no room to escape when you need to for those quiet moments.  After a year together, we both know what we want, and where we see this going, and it is just time to take that next flight off the 4th step and see where this leads......

Yes, "the Girl" is now "my Girl"......I am not normally a "together" person.  I have enjoyed my single hood and the chances to pursue as many opportunities as have presented themselves over the last several years...Coming and going as I pleased, not having to consider my money, our money, my space, etc....it all was a good time, and a time for me to heal, learn, recover, and discover many things.....but with the addition of "a Girl" transitioning into "the girl" and into "my girl" things change so much....and I have enjoyed her as well as the process of shedding things that are part of "being single" and thinking more like a part of a couple.  Not that you ever shoudl give up anything that makes you who you are, but there is a shift that happens when you are shopping for food one day and you realize that you are no longer buying the prime rib steaks for your buddies, or the half gallon of milk that will sit in your fridge for two weeks before half of it is dumped down the drain....you are buying the chicken, or the pasta, or the two gallons of milk that will only last the week because of the little girl that drinks nothing but.....and it just happens....the thinking of future, and houses, and looking at neighborhoods, and budgets, and everything that comes with adulthood that I ran away from for awhile....and it happened so gradually that you dont notice it until you are sitting writing a blog and it hits you.......I am now four.  Her daughter, My daughter, she and I.......and most days I like that idea......

My job, is still my job......I am looking very hard for a new job, but things are different.  With the rising costs of gas, I cannot afford to keep driving an hour to an hour and ahalf each day for work.  It just doesnt make sense at all......it now costs me more in gas every month than is costs me to pay for my car, my insurance too....ridiculous!!!!  more on that later....;)  I am way under paid, and I am not sure that even if  I werent that I couls still afford to spend that much on gas.......uggh!  so if anyone in the central ohio to southern ohio area has any job leads for management, sales, or banking, please let me know.....or if you are not from this area.....and know of any really really good jobs, please let me know, because at this point I am looking at a lot of different things.....and a relocation woudlnt necessarily be out of the questions either.....

I will try to write more later, but the voicemails are stacking and I have more of the bank's money to give away...

Love and Peace...

Van

I have become such a bad Xangan.  I know it.  You all know it as well.  It becomes weeks between posts as I continue to try to navigate my way through what my life has become.  I am busier than ever between my girlfriend and her daughter, my band, my job, and my search now for possibly a new job, new career, etc....

Things I have learned this year

1. Life is never as smooth as we want it to be-  Sometimes, we try so hard to plan everything out.  We make plans that we are going to do this or that, we are going to have this done by a certain time, what ever the case may be.  I took a new position with the company for which I work in May.  I took over a whole department that was in a shambles.  At the same time I took this over, our sales volume almost doubled and continues to grow.  I created new processes, new procedures, started testing a new piece of software, and managed to keep things mvoing along.  This has created an enormous amount of work.  I spend most weeks between 50 and 70 hours at my desk, most of the time simply trying to deal with the chaos of contractors, builders, and there desire for more money.  It leaves me drained every night to the point that when I get home, or get to my girlfriend's place, I have about enough energy to sit with her and that is about it.  I live every week for the weekend so that I have the time and energy to actually spend quality time with her.  This needs to change.

2. Sometimes, no matter how many right choices we make things still go wrong - So, I bought a car last year.  My old car had seen its last mile.  Creaking, clunking, transmission slipping, brakes barely able to stop, and wheels about to fall off the axles.  This had been a wonderful car for me.  After my divorce, I needed to streamline expenses, and this was a good car to pay off quickly, had no car payment for almost 3 years, and barely had to put too much into it until the end.  So, I bought a new car.  I love this car.  It is fast, powerful, good on gas, a decent amount of storage but the payment was a little high. I made the choice to buy this car with the idea that I was taking this new position in May, I was going to be guranteed an income, and if I watched my expenses a little , I was going to be ok.  I also had started a company with two very good people in january.  we had been working on bio fuel projects for about 6 months prior to that, and needed a company to put everything together.  This little company has managed to put together an exceptional list of contacts, sources, and people that can take a biodiesel, or ethanol plant from the ground to turning on the switch and just about everything in between.  The problem is that our client base has been unable to raise the small portions of equity in their own projects that they need to be able to receive the financing packages we have raised for them.  So after 18 months of work, we still waiting to truly get paid.  These are just a couple of examples of the choices that I made this year.  Where they have gone wrong is that with rising gas prices the car becomes almost too expensive to drive, because I put 5-600 miles a week on the car just in driving for work, The company is struggling to keep itself together, and it adds to the stress of the previous item.

3. Love takes work sometimes - I started dating my Girlfriend in March.  She is truly an amazing woman, a talented writer, and an inspiration to be around most of the time.  We both generally agreed that we werent looking for a struggling relationship, didnt want to have to put a lot of work in on the relationship itself, but we both knew we wanted to be together.  The best laid plans of mice and men, right?  ;)  Don't get me wrong, I love this woman, I love being with her, I love being around her and her daughter, I enjoy her company.  This woman is becoming one of my best friends.  Sometimes, people get themselves out of sync.  Life steps into the relationship, people grow and change a bit, or circumstances change.  You get used to a person and can start to take certain things for granted.  Or you start to expect certain things out of that person.  It can stifle the easiness of the relationship, it can stifle the feelings that brought you together in the first place, and can eventually lead to that road out the door.  So, it becomes necessary to figure out what that person wants, what they need at this given point in time, and then decide if you can give that.  It has become a lesson for me in many ways.  Lessons of humility, of strength, of unconditional love.  This is the thing.  No matter how frustrated I get with her sometimes, I Love her and want to be with her.

4. Love can make everything else seem better - I know that my previous items may seem a bit negative, and this in truly not the case.  Life can be a series of lessons, adventures, mishaps and successes.  I was drinking wine with my girlfriend the other night, and she made a comment to me about losing my smile.  I tend to do this when I am feeling beat down, feeling a little lost, and trying to simply get by.  I give half chuckles, or what she calls "my Caveman grunts", and try to be there, but not always fully invested. Whether due to lack of energy, or just not feeling sparked, I am not always as responsive.  This does not change the feelings inside me.  The way that when I finally get to be with her at the end of a long day, that I am happy, I am feeling better about my life.  This woman gives me strength, she makes me want things beyond where I have allowed even myself to think, or to dream of.  To feel accepted and loved for the somewhat mended person that I am helps me to take more and more leaps off the 4th step.......

So.....My new year's wish for all of you is to be happy, be safe, be loved, love, and occasionally make yourself take that leap off that 4th step......it's scary, but it is also necessary sometimes to push yourself....

peace and love,

Van