Currently Watching Rent (Widescreen Two-Disc Special Edition) By Rosario Dawson, Jesse L Martin see related

Dear God, I used to be emo!

I'm leaving my old blogs up as testimony to what I used to be. From time to time, I like to look at what I once was, just to put into perspective how far I've come.

Well, I'm 21 now. I was 18 when I wrote my last blog on this thing. 18. My name was derived from Dragonball Z. Oddly enough, I never got past the first season of DBZ. That guy in the banner picture up there, you know, with that plump face, oh if you could see that guy now. Actually, just go to my Myspace.

For those of you who actually read this stupid thing and were worried about what I might do, you'll be glad to know I am no longer depressed. That endless pit of loneliness and despair, it was a phase. It passed when I made some real friends. You know, friends who actually cared. Friends who saw in me what I was too blind to see in myself.

So in all this time between my last post and now, I managed to lose 50 pounds. I got my first girlfriend, and broke up with her the same month, learning I don't need a girlfriend to be happy. Still a virgin, but you know, it'll happen. Likely soon. I'm almost finished with Cerritos College and am moving on to Cal State Fullerton next fall to major in Radio, Television and Film.

I no longer work at the movies NOR Twin Palms. I now work at Circuit City. And I'm about ready to find another job because working retail sucks. Recently, I played Marcellus in Hamlet at Cerritos College (as well as the more comedic role of Osric's assistant).

So if you were fed up with my depressed bullshit, good. So was I. To see a new, better, fully improved, and fucking dead sexy Christopher Michael Smith (oh, and another thing, I don't go by Smitty anymore. That's a biggie), just head over to my Myspace. This will be my last post on Xanga. Just thought I'd end it on a bright note.

First of all, congratulations to all the graduating seniors of 2004. That was a short-ass ceremony, but I'm proud of you guys all the same.

But then I got depressed. Surprise. I came to the realization that it has been ONE YEAR. One fucking year. My life ended one year ago, and now I'm in this seemingly endless pit of loneliness and despair. Saying goodbye is difficult, and inevitable. I wish we didn't have to say goodbye.

Next year, visitting Gahr won't be the same. A vast majority of my friends have graduated by now. So what's left, the teachers? It's hard to tell whether or not a teacher is in after school, and it seems to be getting more difficult to get onto the campus after school anyway. Without my friends, that place is an empty shell. So going back won't feel the same. As of last night, I have nowhere else to go. Now I'm stuck with these memories, these wonderful, terrible memories that I can never go back to. Ever.

What was uplifting, TJ invited me to his graduation party. That was cool. It was a bit awkward at first; I've never been to that restaurant before, I didn't quite recognize anyone... but once we all sat down, the awkwardness went away, and I had fun. That was cool.

So now, I say something that I should have said a year ago, and I have dreaded saying for a long time: Goodbye, high school. Moving on is so fucking hard, but I'll try... I'll try...

My neck hurts. I shouldn't spend so much time on the computer.

Don't film critics piss you off? I mean, doesn't it irritate you when a truly great movie gets bashed by the critics, taking away its Oscar chances? Don't you want to hurt Ebert for being such a Disney bitch and maim Roeper for being such a fag?

Doesn't the RIAA piss you off? I mean, doesn't it irritate you that they try to change the constitution so that they get more money when they already have more money than they know what to do with? The way they call everything "piracy" and "stealing" when they are the ones price-fixing and stealing from the artists? Fuck you, RIAA.

Doesn't the FCC piss you off? I mean, doesn't it irritate you that they tell you what you can and can't watch? The way they fine people for saying "Fuck" on and make a big huge deal about a freakin' boobie?

I guess a lot of things piss me off. But I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will live as one.

Graffiti decorations
under a sky of dust.
A constant wave of tension
on top of broken trust.
The lessons that you taught me
I learned were never true.
Now I find myself in question
(They point the finger at me again)
Guilty by association
(You point the finger at me again).

I wanna run away,
never say goodbye,
I wanna know the truth
instead of wondering why.
I wanna know the answers,
no more lies.
I wanna shut the door
and open up my mind.

Ever feel like you just needed to get the fuck away? So much tension, animosity, lack of trust... Just get the fuck away. Take a break from the constant woe, the endless depression, the anger... the hate. What the fuck is happening? We were so happy once. We were so together, now we're torn apart. I need to take a walk. I need to go out and do something. ANYTHING. If only for a little while, escape. I don't know how much longer I can deal with this.

Paper bags an angry voices,
under a sky of dust.
Another wave of tension
has more than filled me up.
All my talk of taking action,
these words were never true.
Now I find myself in question
(They point the finger at me again)
Guilty by association
(You point the finger at me again)

I wanna run away,
never say goodbye.
I wanna know the truth
instead of wondering why.
I wanna know the answers,
no more lies.
I wanna shut the door
and open up my mind.

Who am I kidding? I'm not gonna do anything about it. I'm too fuckin' lazy/scared to do it. I'm afraid of speaking up, I'm afraid of walking away, so I sit there and take it. Any different from what I always do? Hell no. I'm a walking cliché. I put fucking LINKIN PARK lyrics on my weblog. I HAVE A FUCKING WEBLOG, filled with ANGST no less. Maybe I could do something remotely original with my weblog, right? No. I bitch about my life on it, because I have no other way of bitching about my life.

Sure, I want to run away and open up my mind. I'm just never gonna do it.

To all Gahr's seniors, sorry I missed Candle Rose. I'm booked this weekend. But then again, I gave up having a life when I moved. My pressure may be lifting soon, so maybe i can cool off a little with work, not care so much when they send me home, and finally quit my job at Twin Palms. Nothing set in stone yet, but I may be going back to being 18. Fucking responsibility.

Is my future ALL about responsibility?
Is work all there is in the future? Can I squeeze anything else in? Time to hang out with friends, do things I love... Is it possible to do so? With the constant work I've been doing, I don't feel young anymore. I'm always tired. I'm stressing over shit I wouldn't dream of stressing over last year. Bills. Taxes. My brother's/dad's cigarrette intake/cell phone bill. At the same time, I want the freedom I had a year ago. Time to talk to and potentially hang out with friends. I'm lucky if I can even talk to most of my friends anymore. Either they're working when I'm off or vice versa. I'm luckier if most of my friends don't hate me... Not like I can blame them if they do. Fucking childish annoyance. I wish I weren't so annoying. Why am I so annoying, and why can't I catch myself at it until someone explodes on me for it? Jesus, why can't I be normal?