its subsiding now, but never dying wow. things have gotten complex now. unexpected was her appearance, not knowing did i. the face i read explains everything.

what do i think, what do i feel, a heart that found a soul, a soul of the heart he could not steal. emotion real, fates are sealed, sadness inside kept concealed. i look for hope beyond the horizon, sunrise to sunset its just time im just buyin, i see through your lyin, but maybe shes seen through mine, so many different ways i wish i could just press rewind.

my mission has an element of clarity added upon to it. im here to create no friends, no relationships, and no social life. Im here to find my self and no one else. moving away thinking this would give rise to opportunity. i think now longing for any type of social contact be it religious, methodical, or plain just out right rubbish.
i see how most women date and form relationships with liars. the lie is so much better. the odds of having the real ideal truth is the same as hitting black jack at a casino. now it may seem impossible given the rules but once youve played the game, you see how it really is. girls are gambles. its easy to crap out 7s but its all worth it when you bet it right on the hardway. some bets look nice and just lose and win and some look bad but have good unexpected wins. what do they really want? what do i really want? i know it but do i seek it? my mind is stronger now and it grows more as they days progress. sleep certainly is sacrificed for the good of the system. i know what most people think, but i certainly am not like most people. my advantage over less gifted minds is my natural obsessive compulsion. any one talented in any field i guarantee you will have some obsessive quality geared towards their traits. i am alone and my solitude fuels obsession. my desire indirectly fuels other desires. a gradient is achieved between lack of knowledge to all knowing. life keeps flowing in and out. this place i used to regard so highly sickens me with convenience. these may be the whinings of a spoiled child but if u shopped out here you can see everything how i see it. everybody has the same shit. everything looks the same. all the houses are the same. all the damn trucks and suvs are the same. boots are the same. cowboys hats the same. floods of rain everytime it pours the same way. every 100 years big hurricane comes and  sweeps this place up. everyone raps the same, how many decades can you stretch out 44s 4 doors car tint big wheels and shiny shit for. weve passed the first thats for damn sure. i stood in line where a nice female of very attractive nature was eyeing me up. like most felines of this i act cool and pay her no mind. shes the type to get alot of attention judging from the stares that flashed in her direction. unfortunately she was shy and she couldnt strike up a conversation with me. i really didnt give her any readable signals of interest as i really just wanted to stick to my original doctrine. but she couldnt help remind me of how high school went when the same situations arose but with a young immature mindstate. im rather obsessed with this time period as i have not exploited fully the advantages of how things were alot easier at this time. i dont spend too much time on it really, but it is what drove me to be what i am today. i have no regrets but i do know i could have made different choices. this summer i will concentrate. this summer i will change. this summer i will try. i will get her. its only a matter of time. i know she didnt talk to me just because i was friendly lookin. she can say all she wants but her eyes cannot lie. she was worried about me losing respect. so far shes doing everything right. im not really hurt, i dont play games but i know any mind needs time to incubate. she felt uncomfortable because she did develop an interest. shes comparing me to him indirectly. but this short time i havent spoken with her i have to admit can be a bit depressing, but i channel this i guess you could call it slight sadness to harder workouts and productivity. my body is sore as hell so im  likin the physical aspect. well that is all for now.