sometimes, i always like looking back at old entries and such, and think back to that time, why i wrote it, what happened since then, and do i think the same.  and then i also chuckles, especially with recent events, the art of timing, i can be superstitious, but sometimes i swear it's just my luck.  the sequence of events baffle me at times, and i love going through old mail, old blogs, old pictures, old memories, and every time that i do, i'm always in a different state of mood, state of being, stage of life, level of stress or happiness.  but overall all, it helps me grow, sometimes bitter, sometimes more anger, sometimes with more knowledge of me, which makes me content.  sometimes i lose focus of the bigger picture, lose track b/c obstacles and challenges are new this time being thrown at me by the people i care about.  and i know i've challenged the ones i love,  i push them away. that's who i am..  the ones i keep close, i feel at times don't know my heart and don't appreciate me, but then i don't really know if they feel i appreciate them enough.  or is it that i've given so much that i've forgotten how to give back to myself or what it is that i need or even want.  or that it's just okay to ask. 

but then there are those times when you suck up your pride, and you show your weak side only to get pushed over, or for better sake of words "i'm not gonna lie, i flaked out" it's like certain days, certain timing, certain situations... otherwise, it's just another ordinary day... i've tested people, i've tested myself.  what i'm willing to lose and let go and give up.  what my gut tells me,  will i ultimately loose everything i cherish because people won't let go or look past, or because maybe i haven't let go.  i've come a long way for myself.  what i thought was important just doesn't hold the same latitude as it used to.  granted the values and morals are still worthy, but the people involved with them,  don't hold the weights as they used to.

i may not be able to explain myself to everyone, and everytime i think, i really don't care to explain myself to anyone, b/c at the end of the day, it's not them who has to think about me, it's me.  sometimes, i just like to ramble, there are just so many thoughts in my head that sometimes i don't want to think, so i don't, sometimes i want for someone else to think or at least care to think for me not to overpower me but just to mere be genuine to me for me without any alterior motive. 

i'm a bitch, i don't care, but i'm a loyal friend, or at least perhaps used to be, i think my perception of people, well of course always changes,  but loyalty lies deeper than anyone could ever understand from me. 

i've learn to trust my gut,  it never steered me wrong in past relationships with the asses.  but now, my gut or at least my mind has allowed me to go with my gut with just friends.  things don't work in my favor, i have to make it veer towards my direction, but that doesn't guarantee that it will work in my favor, at least i attempted to do it for me, b/c i know no one ever will do it for me, i should and don't ever expect that of them.... b/c life experiences have taught me otherwise, and has shown to others, what i've done and given them at the self-less expense of myself. 

there's only so much of me i can give.  i think that we go through stages of our life, when we tackle situations, i recall periods of my life of situations or of an era that made a significant impact on my life. 

things come in 3's you have. .. when you hit roc bottom due to forces you can't .. well have no control over. ..but being to understand the meaning of wheat exists now, and what won't exist any further.  and just the things to appreciate while you have them, just to take things in stride of the unthinkable...

you have rock bottom by those you matter most to you, and you just don't feel like you're strong enough for all of them, but you can to be, which depletes you of self, and no one to know, to lose your self worth without even knowing it's gone, and when you realize you've been drained, not having anything or anyone be able to show you the way back or even care to.. when shit gets thrown in your face, it's nothing.. b/c i've been through worse, things that would suck just don't, b/c it's friviolous to think that it does, it's just where people are in their lifes.  no one can dictate that let alone judge you for it. 

but the hardest, is the rock bottom you hit, when you face yourself.  being able to distinguish what it is that has enabled you to be like this, ... sometimes you wonder why things happen, and sucks to think that it was you all along to begin with, or is it, i'm difficult, i know,  i hold it against myself sometimes, and allow for others to wave that over my head, but when i snap and bite, the devil comes out in them, as if they did not expect to me actually sit there and think they can have onw on  me, i don't think so,  it's quite apparent, i don't give a damn who you are, i will speak up, not to be heard by everyone, jus to say what i think isn't fair, if you listen great, but if you don't fine, as long as i know that said it as oppose to not even attempting regardless of how idiotic i may feel afterwards if i was being unjust.  but after so long of holding things in, pent up lord know,  i'd rather be able to learn to control it all than let it fester in me. 

i know people's horizons have evolved more so after their thoughts of living vicarioulsy through me.  well, that's fine, but maybe you just might want to actually live it, so i don't have to deal with it.  sometimes i just like to be left alone, and not be bothered.  i realize why i do it, i go into my hibernations...

ultimately, what do i strive for..  love family and happiness... i go through my phases of life, but it's not right for me nor anyone else to drag me into their shit for the sake of their own sanity...when i've done enough, and in return, i just get brushed over.  it's a never ending story.. i'll never be "it" regardless of what people may think, i'm just not.  i mean i didn't want the "it" that everyone else wanted b/c that i had whether i wanted it or not.  i just wanted the "it" that i give with my heart to others that just can't give it back b/c it's just not important enough... i'm no one's obligation, don't pity me, i've never asked for it nor do i pity people. 

just for once, well more than once, just look beyond your own damn selfish self... hypocritically self... i know i've been one myself, and i'm glad that i have despite the at what cost i had to pay.  b/c realistically, i've already paid that damange, i'm just trying now to rebuild that  capital for my own well being. 

it's funny, it's like i've cut alot back, but always seem not to have time or at least consistently. and when i do have time. i doddle or feel bored...

still searching for some sense of balance.  it's like i've gone to the extremes of my life to not only test myself by everything and everyone around me.  it's as though i don't know what matters anymore and what i want anymore.

things just keep getting confusing, but at least i've had much closure with many things.but the what to come factor is dreading, it's like you don't want to make the wrong choice and not go back to alleviate the situation, nor do you want to ever feel like your settling or leading false hopes.

i'm just blank at times, and just don't know what to do.