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Voltairine
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Name: Beane
Metro: Lancaster
Birthday: 7/8/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: Poetry, reading dictionaries and other books, philosophy, music, love, life, hate, death, passion, men, women, tongue kissing, swimming, Walt Whitman, Metalica, Maya Angelou, movies, color, b&w photos, silence, risk, the laughter of a happy woman, the tears of a sad man, long hair, piercings, strategically placed tattoos, black hair, curly hair, thunderstorms, Nirvana, cheesecake, coffee, hot tea, yoga, quirks, the unusual, Led Zeppelin, confusion, clarity and many more of the other simple things in life.
Expertise: Writing stuff that makes no sense, laughing until I am blue in the face, I can be quiet one minuet and obnoxiously loud the next, I can give good advice but seldom do I ever take my own. I forgive very easily. I love most people in general. I can get frustrated with some people over stupid things, but it never lasts long. I like to curse and it makes me sound like a barbarian. I constantly get words stuck in my head, the way most people get songs stuck in their heads. The words just repeat over and over again, sycophant, subjugation, precarious, pulchritude, voracious, sequestered, imbibed, adulate, antipathy, repugnance, contrariety, contraposition, abhor, cessation, rapacious, predacious, devout, encumber. Those are just a few I have in my head right now...
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
6/15/2004
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| im tired of xanga . . . im going to myspace http://www.myspace.com/12825035 | | |
| I want to fall so deeply and passionately in love that it hurts, but I
struggle at the same moment with a resistance to all of the human
motions in life that leads to suffering. Passionate love is one of those
human caveats that foretells of suffering and distress.
I often wonder if the threat of suffering is worth the reward of love?
But in my search to find the answers to these questions, I have hurt
some people. I unintentionally hurt them, but that is not the point.
Intentions do not matter, because all that does matter is what happens.
What you do.
Maybe I should fall in love with a dead man, Siddhartha Gautama. Shave my head for him and
enter into a spiritual marriage of sorts. Give up kissing,
holding,
caressing, fucking, making love, hand holding, eye gazing, playful
tickling, hugs, not just passive hugs, but passionate embrace, drunken
foolishness.
But in the absence of all that, what might I find?
Spiritual enlightenment? Wind sprints. Foggy November mornings at 4 am.
Summertime goose bumps. Love without sex. Screaming passion for life.
Rays of sunshine stretching across the sky trying not to die into the
night. The ocean at my feet, telling me all her secrets and mine
divulged to her watery ear. The sun's warm embrace.
I want to love but am I asking to much? Why do I threaten to shave my
head as an act of exhaustion and remittance. Why not say, I want this to
be my life? Maybe not literally shaving my head, but making a
commitment to love my self and others in a different way. A way that
varies from pop culture. Give myself worth and stop trying to find it
in others and in a love relationship.
"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With
our thoughts we make the world. Speak or act with an impure mind and
trouble will follow you as the wheel follows the ox that draws the
cart." -- Dhammapada: The Sayings of Buddha
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| so sean hasn't called me. . . and i think i got a little carried
away with that one. so yeah you were right amanda. why do i always
think
that an exciting conversation is tantamount to exciting new passion. im
bored with dating. im bored with the thought of it. i seriously just
need to shave my head. i just want someone to like me without any
hidden agenda, is that to much to ask? i think i loose interest if
someone doesn't like me back. i guess that's a good thing? then i don't
get hung up on one person and pine at there feet until i fade away. i
just want to run really fast into the wind until my breath leaves me
and feel a lovers kiss on my lips when i return to consciousness. i
want
to breath in someone else's sent so deeply i forget what the world
smelled like before that person dipped there fragrance into my craving
skin. i just want to cuddle, hug kiss and tickle. but is there anyone
out there who is content with just that? no, they need to get all the
damn sex and 'excitement' in before they start living real life.
because when college ends life is over and being with one person means
that life is over, well im sorry but that is just bullshit. now is all
we have, but its doesn't mean do all this because later wont be as
great. later will be great if you want it to be. im just rambling. so
yeah this is me basically rambling on about how much i hate 'playas'
(are they even called that anymore?), but i fall for them so easily.
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| I am infatuated! I met this awesome guy named Sean. We share so many of
the same values and we have exciting and involved conversations. I just
keep waiting for there to be a catch or something, maybe he's gay.
Maybe he doesn't like human contact like Soaphead church in The Bluest Eye.
At any rate he asked me for my number. Amanda thinks I need to wait it
out before I decide if I like him or not. I can understand this, seeing
that as of late I have been very fickle with who I like and who I don't
like. However, I think with Josh and Pete there were bizarre and
special circumstances. Josh was a rebound and I needed to feel wanted
by someone (insert self-pity and low self-esteem here - how is that
different from any other girl my age?) Pete, oh sweet, intelligent,
funny and sometimes boring Pete, well he was just there. I know that
sounds bad, I mean I feel bad about it too, because this is not my way
of doing things in relationships. My way with relationships, with
exception to Pete and josh, has always been of a deliberate nature. I
have to really like a person or be genuinely interested in them before
seeking anything that looks like a relationship. Oh, well. Hopefully
this is me returning to my old trusty ways. Of course I'll take things
slowly with Sean. I'm still not sure what I want. Maybe we'll be nothing more than friends and thats ok, but I am curious.
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| Om Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm
Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm
Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm
Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm
Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm
Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm
Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm
Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm
Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm
Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm
Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm
Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm
Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm
Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm
Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm
Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm
Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm Mani Padme HumOm
Mani Padme Hum | | |
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