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| i've come to the conclusion that life is short and you better make the best of the time you have. i know that sounds really lame but i think that i've wasted too much time getting caught up in shit that isnt important and that i am happier now then i have been in a long time since i've decided that it really doesnt matter. do what will make you happy...
do what you feel is right.
only but one thing matters
...learn how to live your life.  
.. prom .. 
kels and me being goofs
kels and kaylee .. how cute
silly but ya gotta love us
.. me and mason ..
enjoy those .. they're magic! :P hope you all are having a great summer.. call me if ya ever want to hang out paige nicole | | |
| let me know know that i've done wrong
when i've known this all along
everything has been really messed up lately. for some reason no matter what i do i cant be happy. i have temporary fixes, but the feelings just keep coming back. it's gotten to the point where i've become really concerned, but maybe as time passes and i start to get back into my life again things will just even themselves out.
on the outside i look fine .. but on the inside i am dying
it's just i feel so empty inside.. so alone in my life that i just cant, i dont know, live. people that used to be there fore me have suddenly disappeared, i guess just to prove they were never there in the first place. this whole situation has brought me to re-evaluate everything in my life, so yeah i guess i have changed but not to the point where i'm not me, it's just if i'm not happy w/ myself-my life how can i be the same? i'm not giving up, i just need some time to get over this and i could use all the support i can get...
..who has to know, when we live such fragile lives
- it's the best way we survive..
...i guess some dont understand why this is that big of a deal, over-reacting i guess. think whatever the hell you'd like to, you obviously dont know me and you dont know what i expect of myself so please dont bother to waste my time w/ your opinion of me, because quite frankly, i dont give a damn. i'm sick and tired of people saying they care and not meaning it, i dont know how much more of this i can take, i already feel completely helpless and none of this is helping any.
i wont let this build up inside of me
i dont think anyone understands me anymore. i've gotten really close to my parents and i know they would do anything for me but even they dont understand what i'm going through and the only person that does seems to be so far away it's like i cant rely on her.
...the loneliness is setting in...
dont get me wrong, i am much more pleased w/ the person i am now then the person i was and this whole experience has been a great life lesson .. believing in second chances and all .. but it just gets hard and i'm sure me being so hard on myself doesnt help anything. i've realized that i have terrible self-esteem/self-image and that i am pretty much my own worst enemy. once again though, i think it'll get better w/ time, it's just that everything nice said about me doesnt sink in because i assume they dont really mean it. i put a lot of stress on myself too, i'm currently working 2 jobs - dairy queen and target - plus w/ school things might get interesting but i guess the way i see it is the busier i am the less i think about it. but thanks to all of you that are there, it's much appreciated.
they gave you the end but not where to start..
not how to build, how to tear it apart
paige nicole
| | |
| ..i get caught up in breathing
for words that have no meaning..
(but i pray this time they do)
why is it that things can change so suddenly w/out any warning? they get turned around so quickly you dont know which way is which.. and now you're caught in the middle of something that never had to do w/ you, yet you cant seem to leave even if you could. you're too busy worrying about someone else's feelings to realize that your falling just as hard, but you'd rather have it that way then to put them through any more pain.
sick and tired of being sick and tired
..it's horrible the things that people do to one another. i guess i must be an amazingly caring person because i could never intentionally hurt anyone. i just dont understand how anyone possibly could. and when they do, you now bear the burden of helping someone get over it, because you do care. it's the price you pay.. but in my mind, it's worth it every time.
i cant help you fix yourself .. but at least i can say i tried
these past few weeks i have realized just how amazing my life is, from being able to go out and do what i want (thanks mom and dad) to seeing what other people have to live through. i guess the grass isnt always greener.. but even still there's the etch of pain in the back of my mind that never seems to go away. there's never really any one thing wrong, it's just a feeling, but that's when it's most dangerous.
drenched in my pain again .. becoming who we are.
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what will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems
i've told you time and time again
you sing the words but dont know what it means
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in the past 2 weeks i have been involved in 2 accidents, the driver both times. the first was a bump, faulty on my part, but everything seems to be working out. the second, well i was backed into. i got the driver's information and left, bad choice.. now i'm only getting $100 for $1000+ damage. but on a happier note, i've met some of the coolest people i have ever met in this past month and a half of summer, people i hope to have as friends for a long time. and since the last time i wrote, my summer has been amazing..
i never want to let you down or have you go
only a few weeks of summer left, going to make them worth it. a new car might be in the works ((fingers-crossed)) and i found the perfect one.
..tomorrow is a new day
the blacks and grays will fade away..
paige nicole
| | |
| ..i feel lost in a crowd that was never there..
there's only 2 months of summer left and i still havent accomplished much of anything. i always have big plans for the summer, a list of things to do and i sit there and think about everything how great it's all going to be. and of course, no obstacles occur in these dreams of summer…no parent-interference, no jobs, no conflict of time or place, no unfortunate mishaps or mistakes or anything that goes wrong, just peer bliss of what i want. too bad my parents are a huge factor (although, they have been more lenient lately) and so is my job.
i’ve been thinking a lot about how things never work out like i plan. you can get this idea in your head and fabricate it and just generally believe in it, like it’s actually going to happen…and you really believe it will, because being the naïve human beings that we are, it’s our nature. but when it comes down to it, something will always go wrong. there is no such thing as a perfect plan..maybe on paper, but in reality, when it’s all said and done, there isn't.
i’ve gotten used to being letdown..from my parents, guys, my dreams. and lately it’s like i cant even be happy. the feeling comes, and then eventually i just start to think, and that’s my problem. i over-think. i nit-pick until i realize how completely pathetic everything is. i really never accomplish anything, and there isnt one thing that i am particularly good at. i just always hope that things will happen the way that i want them too, but of course, it rarely does.
life has been rather boring the past couple of days. went to the fair the other night and i really dont think that it was worth the $20 fun-tick and the $5 entrance fee. jesse was out of town or something, so it was just me, kels, and collin (boy did i feel like a third-wheel) i havent seen much of jesse lately, dont really know where that's going right now. i really want to make the rest of the summer better than the first part. it's been fun, but rather uneventful..i think i just need to stop making plans of what i want to happen, and just go w/ the flow instead.
well, i hope everyone's summer is going fantastic. give me a call sometime if you wanna hang out.
paige nicole | | |
| okay, so i have come to the conclusion that no matter how hard i try to fight it, i will always end up in the same place. i have resisted for so long and suddenly that power has vanished. it's like the whole time i was focusing on that and it never made a difference. i mean all i got was a little time before i hit the bottom. i always feel like there's something missing. something that's there, but not whole. or something that should be there, that isnt. i feel myself drifting and i just hope that i'm not dragging kels down w/ me.
i hate people. i have realized that. i hate they're selfishness, they're materialistic-ness, they're stupidity. i hate how they think they're better and stereotype. i wont name any names, but some people just dont seem to get it. that life isnt like this. life is hardcore, and yeah, i dont want it to come, but i'd rather live it and get used to it then live under my parents' wings and never see it coming.
i hate people that preach to me. do you honestly think what you’re saying is going to change my fucking mind! oh my god! no, after a while i just want to shoot you and laugh in your face as i watch you die. stand there and ask you "now who's higher?”
i have realized never to let my guard down. never give in. and to be me. i will never change myself. i watch people change who they are so they can become "closer" w/ some guy, or become part of "that” group. but what does that get you? lying to yourself and everyone else. and for what? to let some guy screw you, brag about it, and be an ass w/ his dick up someone else?
pretty soon she'll figure out
what his intentions were about..
honestly. people are so naive and i feel bad for them. they're just going to get stepped on, and i wish i could help them but they never listen! i just watched one of my best friends get her heart broken because she didnt listen.
people, some advice - do not try to fall in love. it's not even worth it at this age. and the likely hood of it happening are slim to none. i'm not saying you cant be in a relationship. and i’m not saying that it cant happen, but dont expect it. dont put yourself out there because you'll most likely get hurt. if you fall in love, you fall in love..but dont think they always feel the same. it tends to be girls more than guys. we put ourselves out there so fast it's destined to happen.
people are stupid. people dont understand. and they are so oblivious to what they are doing to other people because they are so focused on themselves! why? god. it makes me mad. i know that we all want someone, hell i just wrote about it a little bit ago (which, by the way, hasnt really improved) but honestly, be smart enough to go about it the right way and at least stay true to yourself.
oh, you know what i hate? i hate fake people. i hate people that pretend to be my friend. if you dont like me, you dont like me..i have no problem w/ that. but at least have enough balls to come out and admit it. dont pretend to fucking like me! i know when people are lying and being fake. i hate them. i hate everything they stand for.
as i read over this, i have noticed that i use the word hate excessively, something that you preachers will probably sermonize to me and tell me how i shouldnt hate, how hate makes the world ..hateful. and i’m going to tell you right now..SHUT UP! i dont care anymore. i have realized that you can think what you want about me. and if you dont know me, you’ll come up w/ your own little conclusion about how i am, judge me (for more about that, just read a few days below) and come up w/ your own twisted (and most likely wrong) opinion about me. does it look like i care? if you think i do, you obviously havent been paying attention to anything i have been talking about.
if anyone understands anything that i’m writing about, that is awesome. –and i’m impressed. for most they will think “of course she cant be talking about me, i’m perfect and i would never do that” but this is all i ask of you. look into the mirror, i mean really look, and think about the last nice thing you have done for someone. think about the last time you said something about someone that you probably should not have said. think about how many times a day you think about yourself. now…are you one of the people i am talking about?
i guess the main pt. of this post goes pretty much back to the beginning (go re-read for the full effect). i’m sorry if i criticized anyone’s character or offended anyone. i guess that would be proof that i do have a pt. but all i am saying is that i feel like i need something to change soon, and if it doesn’t .. just expect to read more posts like this.
paige nicole | | |
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