WaitingonHim's Xanga

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 19:55:47 GMT

Ruth 1: 16 But Ruth replied, “Don’t ask me to leave you and turn back. Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you live, I will live. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God. 17 Wherever you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord punish me severely if I allow anything but death to separate us!” 18 When Naomi saw that Ruth was determined to go with her, she said nothing more.

Ruth chose not to return to her land, to her religion that she was used to, to what was comfortable. She was loyal to the person God placed in her life to show kindness and love toward. It would have made since for Ruth to return to her land, to the place that she knew. To go with Naomi, her mother-in-law, would mean following a new God, a new set of norms and would mean a slim chance of getting married. But Ruth risked her comfort, risked what she knew and followed. Sometimes we say that here in the U.S., we don't have to risk anything to be a Christian since we don't have to deal with persecution like so many other countries...and really we don't have to risk anything. We can sit in our pews, wear our masks and sing our hymns. Is that what it means to follow God these days? What does it look like to serve God risking change and comfort in a society where everything is easily accessible, where we always have it "our way," where patience is losing its virtuousness?

discontinuing the measuring

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 04:42:05 GMT

I haven't posted on here in a long time...I'm trying to decide if there's even a purpose anymore. But then I recalled a comment I received from a good friend about writing being my first passion...maybe even my first "calling." I've quit writing...well, I haven't quit completely. I still journal to let out frustrations, disappointments or to relish in joyous occassions. Other than that, I've stopped doing what I've always considered my God-given talent. And maybe since I've neglected this gift from God, it's slowly being taken away from me. I usually don't even find inspiration anymore and even find myself misspelling words, something I've always hated doing. (ha!) But this distance from writing can be recently compared to my relationship with God. I go through times with God that bring me so much joy, and not because "everything's right" but because I take the time to learn Him, to listen to Him, to read about Him. But then there's days where I don't even listen or even attempt to read a psalm. No, not everyday with God is peaches and sunshine and neither has every piece of my writing been worth sharing with anyone but to get the good times/pieces I have to take the not as good times as well. Isn't that how it is in any relationship as well? It as well applies to my attitude toward myself. I must love myself during all the times, good, bad, failures and successes.

I know that Ben Taylor was singing this song to a girl who broke his heart, but the lyrics spoke to me in another context today:

When it gets me depressed I find
That it's best with my chest high
As I stretch my lungs & express my love,
Hold my breath & forget my pride,
To reflect that the rest of our lives are a measure of time.
We may as well try to express some style.
I exhale my prayer.
(And) follow it with my eyes as it fills the air.
In the back of my mind I imagine that you can hear
As if you could still be near me.

But
Lately I've been breaking my mind,
Trying my best but it's taking its time.
Cause
I've been forced to digest this wasteful emptiness.
I'm supposed to laugh as if there's nothing going on.
I know life goes on regardless,
But nothing's been the same
Since you've been gone.

quit drawing circles with that compass

Thu, 22 May 2008 04:55:42 GMT

The other day I told a friend that God is not a God of confusion. She retorted that no, He's a God of mystery. Today, I lived my life in contradiction to what I told my friend (as I do so often) as if God were confusing me and trying to make me figure out this mind boggling puzzle. God quickly reminded me that He's not trying to confuse me, but He's shaping me, making me wait, making me work for the good that He has for me.

There's been two times now within the last month that I've experienced things that I knew were gifts from God and then I would hear what I thought was Him speaking, telling me that these were the gifts, the answers to prayers I had been praying. Tonight I felt those gifts slowly slipping from me, wondering if I had misinterpreted God or if I've just done something wrong. Then God quickly and gently reminded me of Romans 8:28 - "and we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." It doesn't matter what I feel or think, what matters is that I keep seeking after God with my whole heart when nothing makes sense. God is not trying to confuse me, I am just trying to rush God and what He wants for my life which causes my confusion and grief. God is a mystery to be sought after, but if we lose sight of our seeking after Him is when things begin to get confusing and out of sorts. God is good.

get out of my way

Wed, 21 May 2008 06:39:53 GMT

Children do not let obstacles hinder them from getting where they want to be, where they are focused on. I was waiting at Kwik Kar today for them to change my oil when a man with two young boys walked in. There was a row of chairs where one of the boys sat and behind the chairs was a small play area. His dad called him over and instead of walking around the one chair, he stepped between two chairs, which required him stepping on to them and then over. I giggled inside, realizing that my nephew does that same thing...and quite actually most children do it. They don't let things get in their way. They are focused on the "prize" or the task or whatever, and they go the way which is easiest and makes sense. If they can't move the chair that is in their way, why stop? Just climb over it. So many times, I just want to stop. I want to take the hindrance, the obstacle as a "sign" that it just wasn't meant to be, instead of giving it a little extra push, shove or climb to make something budge. Sure, God closes doors, but He also has given us the strength, through his joy, to overcome, to try a little harder to see if how bad we really want something. Otherwise life just happens to us and then we're always standing on the other side of the chair wishing for that greener grass, that might not actually be that green, but just what we need.

It's a beautiful day to be blowing in the wind

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 17:01:45 GMT

"I think joy and sweetness and affection are a spiritual path. We're here to know God, to love and serve God, and to be blown away by the beauty and miracle of nature. You just have to get rid of so much baggage to be light enough to dance, to sing, to play. You don't have time to carry grudges; you don't have time to cling to the need to be right." -Anne Lamont

It is hard to move forward if you don't trust...in anything

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 04:30:28 GMT

This is what my best friend of 14 years told me today. I don't know what it looks like to trust...especially myself.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 03:52:46 GMT

The Christian way is different: harder, and easier. Christ says, "Give me all. I don’t want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want you.... Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked—the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours." Both harder and easier than what we are all trying to do.

- C.S Lewis
Mere Christianity

I'm scared to give Christ myself...I don't have a hard time giving Him most everything else. When I work, I like to think it's all for Him plus I give my money to Him by supporting worthy causes. But myself...that's another story. To give Christ myself would involve giving over my desires, my weaknesses, my strengths, my glory, my fears, my doubts, my flesh. Christ would then be the one who would define me, not myself. Our generation loves to define ourselves. That's why we have Facebook. We can sum up all of who we are all on one little page, complete with our picture and all. Do you want to know who I am? Don't bother to call me or introduce yourself. Just look me up on Facebook and then you'll know who I am...or rather who I want you to see me as. We're not going deep into ourselves anymore. We go only as deep as the blanks we fill out. Once the blanks are complete, then we are complete. That's who we are...period. But tomorrow, we might just change that blank and be someone else. We're that person because we say so, not because we let others see who we really are and let them find out who we are...or is this just me? Maybe this is just me. Either way, I've lost focus, I've lost sight of who I am in Christ. I'm just this person floating around taking up space. I don't even really know who Christ is anymore. This isn't really a confession, but an honest fact that has stirred me up to hopefully make some changes in my life. People say that change is the only thing that is constant...change has been the only thing stagnant for me lately.

found in transition

Thu, 10 Jan 2008 15:41:18 GMT

Okay...what next? Grad school makes sense, right? One more year and I have an MSW degree. Why would I not just finish? Because as I write my graduate admission statement my answers seem hokie, fake, not really what I want. I mean it's true, I want to be a social worker...I think. I am committed to social, political and economic justice. I want to alleviate poverty and oppression and reduce social problems. I love diversity and work with diverse populations. But I started to type..."there's nothing else I could ever do for a career..." Wait! "Is that true?" I thought to myself. There's plenty of stuff I could do and want to do...is it true that you can only do social work if there's nothing else you want to do? Kind of like they ask you when you are applying to the FBI...should I get everything else I want to do "out of the way" first before I pursue social work? Or is there really something else I am to be/do all together? Am I just submitting this application to cushion myself in case nothing else comes through? Am I doing it for comfort because it's been so many years that I haven't been a student and that is mostly how I have defined myself for so long? It seems like it should be no big deal...just apply and get it over with. Get through that one year and the door of opportunities fly open. God tries to throw hints, but I'm bad at subtleties. But mostly, He just wants me to learn to make decisions. He doesn't want to make the decision...He has given me faith to do that myself. To step out...but it would be so much easier to flee. The faith I am going to need to stay exactly where I am, continuing my education is vast. Because I am afraid of getting stuck...stuck. The worst I could do in this situation is just not make a decision and let life happen. I guess I still have three weeks to decide and then I'll write my statement...but not today. God is putting me through what seem like some major transitions and I want to enjoy the, what is hopefully a transformation, ride. And know that this is life...it is not a holding place to the rest of my life...it is life. My life that I am living right now.

how to hide from love

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 04:21:54 GMT

"There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." -C.S. Lewis, "The Four Loves"

bond of peace

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 04:44:29 GMT

There's been a strong desire for connectedness stirring inside of me. Connectedness in the sense that I just "be" with others. Not unlike the way God wants us to "Be still and know that I am God." I want to "be still and know" with the people I am with...know that they are who they are and that is beautiful. No agendas, no hidden motives or game-playing; just to be with that person and allow them to freely speak, freely be and to freely listen to their story. Connection, community, sharing with one another...that is our purpose and that is eventually where heaven leads us, not only to God, our Father, but to each other in perfect unity.

For a big part of my life it has been hard for me to find peace in my relationships/friendships...I'm always looking for ways to please people and to see if they follow through with their part of the bargain as well. But now I'm finding that just to sit and talk, to sit and listen, to enter into someone else's pain and into their story is the way to peace. There's no stipulations or expectations...simply a story, a sharing of the journey we're all on. A journey we're all on...once the story is shared, sometimes the two continue on and choose to combine stories and tell them as one. Other times, it's a continuous retelling of the day-to-day stories that delight or disappoint our hearts. And yet still there are stories that are laid out, told and simply become a memory in the back of our minds, sometimes as a constant reminder to strife to take on that story as our own, or to remind us that there is so much more to life. Stories are real, connections are real...they are what make us who we are. To not share is to be in conflict with the way God made us. To share is to remind us that we are all in this together.