Currently Listening The Spirit Room By Michelle Branch see related

- Goodbye To You

New Xanga!!!

http://www.xanga.com/beautifulxmelmel

I was tired of all the low self-esteem jokes that went along with this one, so this new one goes out to all my loving fans. ((I know, I know...I love you guys too)). I have a new screen name that goes along with it. The link to my AIM is on there.

I figured I'm giving myself a fresh start, and I'm enjoying that. I love you guys, see ya on the flip side!

Currently Listening JoJo By JoJo see related

Okay, here's the deal. I'm getting a lot of questions from a lot of people about my xanga name and screen name. I'm also getting sick of it. So, I'm thinking about changing my screen name and getting a new xanga. The problem? As crazy cool as I am, (lol) I can't come up with anything that's 100% me. Any ideas?

Another note, lifes good. I'm really tired though. I could use a nap. Almost to the point of seriously thinking about skipping ethics . Ethics is my favorite class. I'm not skipping...even for sleep. Not quite sure what's up for tonight, then again I never really am. I was invited over to Jeds, but I doubt I'll end up going (although, I'm sure, it would make a great story).

OH! I started taking pictures of my friends today. The girls I sat for requested pictures of everyone I know. I think they rock socks, so let me take your picture, darn it!

What else...I've got a test tomorrow. And man, am I exhausted! You know what, I think I'm going to bed early tonight. I'm thinking like 10ish. That'd be nice. I haven't gone to bed that early in years.

LOL I have 2 classes left and I'm already talking about going to bed. That's amazing.

Well, I probably won't be updating later, but make sure you leave suggestions. So far, I've come up with

BeautifulxMelmel

HELP!

Currently Listening Weathered By Creed see related

- Don't Stop Dancin'

This song is my new favorite theme song of life.

So--yeah. Can I just say a couple of words here? God, you're amazing. I'm honestly captivated by Your goodness to me. You are faithful. You are good. You ARE still on the throne.

So, I did talk to Andy, and yes, it did turn out just as I thought it would, and honestly, I'm thankful. The talk went surprisingly well. I didn't cry, not even after. And I was honest. And for that, I think he was grateful. I learned a lot, and I think he did too. All around--it needed to happen, and it worked out really well.

And if you're thinking what I think you're thinking, the answer is a definate no.

So right as we were saying goodbye, my phone rang. It was Ryan, the transfer student? Ok so he hits me up, and we decide to go out to ice cream and to a movie--he treated, and I haven't had so much fun since...well, for a while. Ryan's awesome. He's just the kind of guy that you can just laugh with and be yourself and feel like you're not an idiot.

I got back, super stoked to tell my roomie the story, and I walk through the door, "Mel--do you know any Skinnis?"..."um...yeah, actually, I do" "Then these are for you"...A DOZEN YELLOW ROSES. For no reason at all. None. I was totally shocked. I really didn't know how to react. ((They're gorgeous by the way))

What I learned today? I told it to my cousin best when I said, coloneljacko: It was not polished at all
Want2BeBeautiful: awesome
Want2BeBeautiful: it doesn't have to be for God to use it
Want2BeBeautiful: God looks for genuinity.

I guess now it was yesterday, I was really crying out to God genuinely. Now, I'm not saying that I'm gonna up and start dating. That's not going to happen. What I am saying was that God heard my worship. God heard my heart's cry. And when I finally let God have the things I was clinging to, He told me that who I am is quite enough.

I am nothing without God, and I'm so thankful that He's taken over my world.

Currently Listening Kansas By Jennifer Knapp see related

- Trinity

You in the mirror starin' back at me
Oh, conscience let me be
To the pure, all things are pure
To those who're defiled, unbelieving, nothing is pure
Their minds, their conscience defiled
They profess to know God
But deceive Him by deeds all the while

Where do I stand?
On the rock or in the sand?
Oh, Holy Spirit won't You help me understand?

Holy Spirit, won't You say a prayer for me?
With your groanings
My mind, my conscience defiled
Send the blood of the lamb don't leave me in exile

What was that promise on the cross at Calvary?
Confess the Lord and the truth shall set you free (yeah)
Create in me a clean heart, O God
Renew a steadfast spirit whithin me
To my prayers you've always given heed

Blessed be thy God
Who never turned away from me
Hid his face from all my sin, forgot
Forgot my iniquity

(Go on and)
Raise your hands sing praises to the Lord
He is the King and He'll reign forevermore
He died on the cross at Calvary
He died to save a wretch like me

So this is the day. The day where everything either comes together or falls apart. Today didn't feel the same as yesterday at all. I woke up kinda blah. You think that's symbollic of anything? I doubt it. I don't have high hopes or expectations. My heart's grown harder as the months have gone by. I'm really mostly flabbergasted anyway. I'll probably freeze up and have nothing to say. He'll probably forget to call again. Of course he will.

But I can't be held responsible.

I really need to get back in check with God before this day goes any farther. I really don't want to let go. I really do want to do a human video to the song Freshmen by Verb Pipe. If you keep refreshing the page, it should come up eventually. It's an amazing song. Lorenzo kept singing it all summer, that one and Comfortable by John Mayer. It got him back with Sarah.

Why am I holding on to nothing? He doesn't even know I'm holding on to nothing. He's oblivious, and it's really freaking me out. The only reason I wanted this semester off was so I could forget about everything. Liars go to Canada. He's lied to me countless times, "I won't be able to move on until you do" "I'll call you". But he's already forgotten. He's forgotten Shrek 2, Vindicated, The Simpsons, My cousins, Alex, the way my eyes used to light up when he walked into the room (he doesn't see the way they still do), Noelle was right. I'm sorry for not listening to you.

At the same time, Jo could be right too. I'm hoping if it doesn't work out that she's right. It wouldn't change. It'd be a continuation of our last relationship. He still won't trust me. We'd make the same mistakes.

But one thing will never change: I love him.

And God's been so awesome, but everything I heard--everything that changed in me--changed what he always talked about. The flaws in my heart that I needed to fix. I'm smart now. It won't happen again.

I know that it's for whoever I'm going to marry. And whoever that is--HE is in God's hands.

I was great until I saw his facebook. He lied to me. He broke me again.

God, please fix this. This mess of a life that you handed me. I'm so thankful for friends that understand and love me despite the pain behind my eyes. I don't even think my new friends see that it's there. But it is. You took it away for a few days, and I saw you. I still do. I still do. You're still on the throne no matter what this amounts to. You are my Lord.

I'm rising while it is yet night. Even though my life's in a dark, lonely place, I'm rising through the night. I'm facing my today, and I'm facing it with balls (was that inappropriate?). Your mercies are new every morning. You stopped my tears once again, and gain I start to smile.. My God is a God of perfect peace. You're here. I can feel you over my shoulder. Just stay with me today, no matter what. Stay here.