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WhiskeyJac
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Name: Jac
Country: Canada
Gender: Female
Interests: spending time barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen. you know. when i'm not hitched to the plow.
Message: message me
Member Since:
10/3/2006
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| i dreamt about breast feeding last night. i've dreamt dreams about that a few times. i can never. get. it. right.
last night i tried to get her to nurse and she wouldn't latch on properly, so i'd try to help her - and then couldn't get her to be interested, couldn't get her positioned properly, couldn't figure out how to hold her....
and then i left her in a bar seat thing behind the bed and FORGOT ABOUT HER and i went to get her the next morning to see if maybe now she wanted to eat - but why hadn't she cried even once for it all night? - she WAS crying but so softly i couldn't hear her and i felt terrible about it.
i told stephen the other night that one of the things i'm MOST looking forward to is the dreams about "accidentally" drinking alcohol while i'm pregnant stopping. they make me so scared and sad. they've progressed a few times now from just the sinking feeling of oh my god what have i been DOING to actually seeing Eowyn with fas features. and sometimes it takes me a few minutes when i wake up tired and muddled in the middle of the night to sort out that it WAS a dream. i haven't seen my daughter yet those dream pictures of her are all i have and so... it's like, in the dreams, and afterwards when i try to call her face to mind, that IS her. and to see her like that is fucking awful.
these new ones about not taking good enough care of her are just stupid. christ, i mean, half of it is instinct, and what i don't know.... stephen knows babies he spent time around gabriel and luna and he's CALM. unlike me. so that will be really really good. i'm relieved on top of happy that he's taking a month to be with us. catherine will be around alot i'm sure, and meo. you know it's not like i'm alone and come on i'm not afraid i'm going to FORGET the fucking baby. first of all i'll probably be overprotective and second of all, babies kind of have a defense mechanism on that one. it's called a healthy set of lungs and vocal chords. it'll be fine. i just want to stop dreaming about it. gah.
oh! funny part - but not at the time heh - in PART of the dream, the breast feeding part? the baby was ELPHIE.
yeeeeeah. like, seriously elphie had her mouth around my nipple and was drinking. that... is just... so strange...and then i was like, wait a minute (in the dream) wait a minute... this is... this is a cat. no no no, i had a BABY and then poof, it was a baby. baha. ehh.
and the other night? i dreamt i was having sex with a whale? coz I was a whale? have you ever seen pictures of a whale's penis? jesus fucking christ it was graphic, too. anyways THAT one isn't hard to interpret... s'another reason i won't miss the belly and be happy to start losing some weight. even my subconscious is getting in line to have a word with me "you know, i've been meaning to talk to you about this..."
seriously, the dreams can stop any time now. | | |
| in a totally unrelated note - lets talk about something not-so-bitter!
we were talkin this morning and i'm packing a hospital bag this
weekend. this is what i know i need
-handcreme
-vaseline or chapstick
-a zipup nightgown/housecoat
-pads
- coz i don't like the mat ward stuff. might not care when it comes
down to it, but if i do, i'd rather err on the side of being more
comfortable insteada less than. pretty sure i won't need help with
that... heh.
-clothes... the usual. something to go home in. an
extra change of clothes for stephen. cat might want to bring one, too.
i heard that it can sometimes maybe get messy sorta. also if either of
them stay over night it's nice to have fresh clothes.
-toothbrush, toiletries all that stuff.
-an extra toothbrush for cat coz she won't think to bring one and i know she'll want one at some point.
-*hair clips * shampoo
-sobe
juices for stephen and cat, in case they don't want to leave to get
anything... i don't think either of them will care to eat, and my mom
gets low blood sugar without realizing it. if it's a short labour,
great. if it's not... i still don't think that either of them will want
to eat. i might be wrong. if i am, i don't think i will care. i'm
already pushin a baby out one end, you want i should pull a sandwhich
outta my ass while i'm at it? man, fuck you guys. get your own
sandwhich. god, some people. *gatorade for me
-gum, halls, stuff like that for stephen, cat, me, if i'm allowed.
-baby wipes.
for baby
-i
have had a tiny green baby hat with a little turtle on the front packed
for a long time. i don't know why a turtle, but just coz.
-oooh, contraction.
-two onesies for her homecoming, the extra in case of baby messes. a cosy blanket in case it is cold going home.
-a
few diapers that we can leave in the car. they'll have diapers at the
hospital but we're gonna be keepin diapers in the car ANYWAYS so why
not a few extra...
-*a pair of (big) baby socks for her hands.
-.....baby's kicking furiously now heh.
that's
the bare bones. i mean, that's what i'd take to any hospital visit,
really. stephen says they have those exercise balls there, and they
look like they would really help so i'm glad i don't have to bring one.
or buy one. coz dude, just... no. i'm not gonna use it again. i don't
go in for that kinda stuff... gah. i don't think i'm forgetting
anything.
BUT
if any of you have suggestions let me
know! what were you happy to have, what helped, what did you not need,
what did you wish you had had... all that stuff 
it's not a long hospital stay and my house is a five minute walk from
there. it's not a huge city or anything and if we forget something it's
easy to go home and grab it. so. i am pretty sure that's all i'll need.
but the list seems really short compared to some i've seen - and EVEN
THOUGH i think they are slightly ridiculous at times - i look at this
and wonder if i'm forgetting something.
i intend to labour at
home as long as i can before going so hopefully cross fingers i won't
be there any longer than i have to. notice i didn't say "i won't be
there long". ha. hahaha. hahahahahaha.
fuck me, i'm getting
kinda scared. gah. no i'm not. it's fine. i trust my doctor, i'm sure
the nurses are great, i don't think any of the bad ones work the
maternity floor, i have stephen there, and my mom. it'll be fine. i
hope i'm not mean or bitchy or turn into a panicky wuss or...gah.
fuck,
just tell me what you had in your hospital bags, ok? thanks. i'm gonna
go kick some gila monster ass now, maybe beat up some punks. coz i'm
tough. nothing scares me. or makes me sad. and i never ever fuck up.
ever.
am so tired. i closed my eyes for two seconds while sitting here checking mail, and i fell asleep. ha. the cat woke me up this morning insisting on being mushy. she is relentless. oh sure! i can kick her off the bed! but then she waits. and lets me doze. and then creeps towards me ever so slowly and.... nuuuuuuuzles my neck and starts purring and drooling and milk treading and. ugh. goddamnit, elph. t'est donc ben mal elevee.
stephen is doing this workout program that involves getting up early and going out for walk/runs. crazy bastard. show off. nah i'm happy for him, h e looks really relaxed and happy the mornings he goes and does that, it's nice. had some toast and two hardboiled eggs, he made smoothies and washed dishes and we had time to talk... while the cat glared at us. and TRIED TO STEAL MY EGG RIGHT OFF MY PLATE. god, she's a bitch. you don't know what i live with man, she's awesome. anyways it was a really nice morning, i like having time to eat breakfast and chat and read before work. it seems very luxurious. i wonder what mornings will be like with baby around.
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| 36 weeks prenatal
blood pressure - 120/70
weight gained - 182 - 2 lb gain since last time
fundal height - 36
fetal heart rate - 156
did the strep b swab - will hear back on that next time i go to visit - once a week visits now  baby's comin soon!
i need to go in for blood work and a culture - might have a uti again, and was admonished to drink LOTS OF WATER (which i have been, omg fr rlz) but might not. and since i didn't want to take antibiotics if i didn't have to, she wanted the blood work and sample done today SO! glad i have someone to look after the store, that is nice, and it shouldn't be busy for her on a monday. baby is still head down, locked and loaded
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| the thing i hate the most about being angry and hurt is that it will consume every other thought. that it sticks around and lurks and lets you go over it again and again, and turn it around in your mind until you've seen all angles, have probed the rotten rotten core of it with your tongue even though you KNOW it's just going to hurt so bad your eyes well up with tears, and then once you haven't thought about it for awhile it'll jump out at you and niggle and take hold and sit on your shoulder and hold little conversations with you even while you're talking to other people, taking a walk, making lunch, reading a book. it takes a long time for things like that to fade for me. it's fucking exhausting and it's fucking painful coz really, who the hell does anger hurt the most here? it sounds like a shitty mindfulness poster that you see up in AA meeting rooms or, say, kindergarten rooms or something. but it's true. anger turns on the person who feels it and fucks their shit up more than anything.
i know that it is a... personal defect. that i let things bother me so much. that i let myself get bitter and rage about all the tiny little things that aren't fair. the things that i can't change, that are completely out of my control. that i can't make someone see my side, that that should matter so much to me when i know and those whose opinions i really care about and respect know how things are, that they are on my side. sometimes that isn't enough. it means alot to me and i'd be a very sad person without it but it's not enough. it doesn't fix things. knowing you're right doesn't make things better, doesn't wrap me in a cocoon of self righteous confidence. when has it ever?
so. anger... that makes me want to eat my own eyes because the pressure of keeping it in check and never letting it simmer over when i REALLY want it to, is just too gross.
anyways. time blunts it. after while, it feels the same as if it'd been healed. but it's fucking raw right now, and ripping the scab off every day isn't helping, either.
one more week. one more week. one more week.
and a prenatal visit today! i love those. stephen likes to whisper in my ear at night - "you're not really pregnant jac, you know that right? it's just gas." it's his sick little way of saying he loves me. see, and prenatal visits are osem because if it WAS just gas, they'd have kicked me out by now i think. i hope. i'm pretty sure.
.....
damn it, stephen.
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