hey ya'll.. starting up my old xanga again cause i need an online journal.. lmao..jp

anyways yea marching band is awesome.. even though i kind of suck and repeated get told that but whatever i cant drop out now even if i wanted to.. so yea.. i love it though

also my bf is being retarded.. we've been going out for a month saturday and he has never called to talk to me even though i have called him but he wasnt home.. but whatever i'm done with it..

yup school sucks too since this is my first year so yea i hate school too but yea..

today i bought my costume and it rocks.. i'm a dirty maid hehe and since i had off today i went back to my volunteer work which i love.. so today was ok.. though kind of frustrating

love,

ashley

hey.. i'm starting to feel better

i just dont trust anybody anymore.. theres like fear now..

chris and brandon have been over everyday.. except tuesday when we went to the carnival.. i had fun.. but it wasnt fun walking in the heat to the carnival from brandons house.. yea that sucked.

anyways.. i saw alot of people there i knew.. and it was good to see linzy since i see her what.. once every few months... i thought marybeth would be there since she was but she wasnt.. but anyways.. i got on the ferris wheel with chris and like leaned over the edge with his camera since hes scared of ferris wheels lol

me and linzy got on the mini haunted house thing.. omfg it was so cheesy.. haha we screamed like idiots while the kids behind were like"mommy is it really scary" and their mom said "no their just teenagers" hahahaha.. i thought it was halirous.. though some of it freaked me out hahaha.. i'm such a little kid

i got on the samurai with rachael.. she wore a skirt so i felt bad haha.. i got a major headache from that.. ughh..it was so effing hot.. and the sun wasnt out either..

before we got there me britt chris and brandon went to mc.donalds and me adn britt blow dryed our shirts under the hand blow dryer thing lol.. her brillant idea.. but it was cool

and today i  got woken up by chris and brandon.. tay spent the night.. yea if they ever do that again.. i'm gonna slap them.. not to mention when they went to sleep so me and britt tried to spray them with a water bottle they grabbed it and like got us so much worse.. haha it was fun

love,

ashley

hey.. i just figured out something.. i cant trust anybody

i told my cuzins things and she told every fucking thing..

that night i sat up crying for hours over somebody i thought was gonna be a realy friend was pointless

i'm so fucking done with this shit.. and people say i shouldnt dwell on it but the truth is their not going through the same thing i am so they dont know how i feel..

i hate that.. they should just let me vent.. if not everything will bottle up again and another night like that will happen..

i'm so fucking stupid for leting my emotions get the best of me

love,

ashley

hey.. i havent updated for awhile.. but its been the usuall.. chris and brandon are usually over

but i'm venting now..

somehow or another i did something to piss brandon off and i dont even know what it was.. yea somehow this week i've been fucking everything up.. i dont even know how.. am i really that shitty of a person.. jeez.. everything always ends up back at me and i dont know why.

i'm lonely, tired, sick, worthless, and now a horrible person.. everything seems to bottle up until one day i cant handle it anymore.. and it seems to be my day..

yesterday all i could do was cry.. i dont even know why i was crying but it seems that since everything i do is wrong and i put it aside it eats me from the inside out.. i cant handle this anymore.. i'm on my breaking point.. if things get worse.. i might even take up bad habbits.. and this just isnt fair to me.. knowing that i'm a fuck up but dont even know what i fucked up

everything seems to just keep adding it self on to me.. i'm supposed to give to everyone but what is it that i'm supposed to get in return.. the chance to cry everynight at how pathetic i am.. really this isnt fair..

everyone relys on me to br strong and handle their problems.. what about mine? whose supposed to be there to help me? everyone says "oh you have to make it on your own" yea thats why i was there picking you up when you fell.. but no ones there to pick me up.. its pathetic.. and now i'm sobbing this out because no one wants to hear me out.. this is just another tragic case..

people have the nerve to say "its all for attention" yea it is.. i just want enough attention for someone to help me.. i cant make it on my own.. i'm not strong enough.. no one really makes it on their own.. they have someone they can rely on.. who am i supposed to rely on? no ones there for me

i pray to God everynight for help.. but i keep falling faster and faster in this tragic case.. i just want to be saved...

love,

ashley

hey you guys.. i gotta a new layout cause everyone had the other one

thursday.. hmm brandon came over and we all hung out.. the usual ya know.. he lives at my house pretty much..

friday my cuzins from maine came over.. aaron and caroline.. i've missed them.. i get to see them like every 3 years so that was nice seeing them.. we like watche constaintine and just hung out.. they spent the night and we like went to sleep at 5 in the morning haha.. cause were so hardcore like that.. haha..

saturday was my family reunion.. everyone that i didnt know i was relate to was there.. and of course brandon and chris came over.. chris just came back from eastin.. tight pants brandon didnt go though.. but brandon and chris are like our family so its cool that they came over.. and its good that my cuzins got along with my friends too.. they spent the night again and we went to sleep at like 3:30 last night or a little later.. we were all tired lol.. and watched dodge ball again is the most boring thing ever.. caroline fell asleep on the couch so me and aaron just hung out and talked

and today.. i just woke up.. aaron and carolinea re going to visit uncle martin<?> dont know if hes my uncle or not actually.. so yea. their spending the night again so i figured i'd update now

i'm really gonna miss them when they leave for maine again their awesome cuzins.. i look at them more as friends then cuzins though.. they act like my best friends so yea i'm gonna miss them alot

love,

ashley